Friday, December 23, 2005
Not a creature was stirring, but the troops were all around.
Other trespassers were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that sneaky St Nick would soon see them there.
My Mercs were nestled snug in their hiding places,
With night-vision goggles worn over their faces.
And Sarge on the 60, and I had his back,
We had just settled in for our winter ambush attack.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang up in the bunker to see what was the matter.
The spotlights switched on with a great blinding flash,
While grenades and gunfire turned the woods to ash.
The volley of tracers flying over the snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what through the hail of flak should appear,
But Santa on his sleigh, with a look of abject fear.
That little old driver, with a hoarse scream on his lips,
knew he wouldn't survive this yuletime apocalypse.
His reindeer were nimble, but we led them and aimed,
And with our bunkers and snipers, they all soon got maimed.
First Dasher! Then, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
Then, Comet! And Cupid! And Donner and Blitzen!
With his team cut down the sleigh started to fall,
But still somehow breached the compound's outer wall.
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the sleigh the SAM missiles flew,
With the deer and St Nicholas facing imminent doom.
And then, in a twinkling, with sparks, fire, and a poof
Debris rained down, sleigh parts, guts and a hoof.
As Alpha got on line and Bravo flanked around,
Suddenly out of the wreckage came St Nick with a bound.
He was covered in deer guts from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
With a ripped bag of toys aflame on his back,
He was as doomed as insurgents against us in Iraq.
His eyes big as saucers! He stumbled, mumbled, and slurred!
Bravo began their assault without saying a word.
His droll little mouth was agape with fear,
And the beard of his chin was blackened and seared.
He held in his teeth the stump of a pipe, with a bend.
As the mercs opened fire, I yelled "This is the end!"
The "Ho-ho" stopped when they double tapped his head,
And his fat belly jiggled when they filled him with lead!
He was chubby and plump, and face down on the ground,
And I laughed when I saw him, Bravo neared with a bound.
But then a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
I heard the spoon of a grenade, and knew Bravo was dead.
His body exploded- the grenade did not work!
It was blocked by his lard! The stupid fat jerk!
His finger was laying aside of his nose,
Surrounded by guts, bones, fingers, and toes.
I sprang to my feet, and Bravo gave out a cheer,
"The enemy is dead! We have nothing to fear!"
I said, "You can't trespass here without getting a fight!"
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
This fowl* disease (I went there) has been flying* around for over 100 years, but the human infecting version was hatched* in Hong Kong in 1997. During this outbreak 6 people died, but they were all Chinese. Scientists noted that it spread primarily from chicken to human, but rarely from human to human. It spreads mostly from chicken to chicken, due mostly to chickens' notorious promiscuity and wanton disregard for contraceptives.
The Human-infecting strain has been roosting* in almost exclusively Asian areas, and has been the worst hit to Asian-white people relations since Jackie Chan started doing wire stunts in his movies.
Despite Asia seemingly being the origin of the human-strain, the disease has recently flown the coop* and has been lightly pecking* at the populations of some European countries as well.
Because of the recent outbreaks, millions of birds have been killed in the name of saving lives. However, the the Bird Flu hasn't gone north for the winter* yet, and the flock* of victims keeps getting larger. Some people are preparing Y2K like provisions to pluck* their families from the beak* of certain infection. To others, the news is just more incessant "end of the world" squawking*. But before any more people get diseased bird-meat stuck in their craw*, all I gotta say is "Where's the beef?" or maybe "Polly wants a beef cracker." I couldn't decide which was funnier, sorry.
* It's a bird joke. Get it?
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
THEY are called echizen kurage and they sound like monsters from the trashier reaches of Japanese science fiction.
They are 6ft wide and weigh 450lb (200kg), with countless poisonous tentacles, they have drifted across the void to terrorise the people of Japan. Vast armadas of the slimy horrors have cut off the country's food supply. As soon as one is killed more appear to take its place.
Finally, the quarrelsome governments of the region are banding together to unite against the enemy.
Echizen kurage is not an extraterrestrial invader, but a giant jellyfish that is devastating the livelihoods of fishermen in the Sea of Japan. Nomura's jellyfish, as it is known in English, is the biggest creature of its kind off Japan and for reasons that remain mysterious its numbers have surged in the past few months.
Is this not the coolest thing to hit the news since that fake story of the lion-fighting midgets? And this is all real, baby. It gets better:
The problem first became obvious in the late summer when fishermen chasing anchovies, salmon and yellowtail began finding huge numbers of the jellyfish in their nets.
Often the weight of the echizen kurage broke the nets or crushed the fish to death; those that survived were poisoned and beslimed by their tentacles.
Yes, you read that right. Beslimed. Until I read this article I was unaware of the awesome uses of the 'be' prefix. In my innocence I knew only of 'bespeckled'. Now I wonder, what other words can be graced with the 'be'? Any verb? This opens doors, man. Leave it to the British to come up with really cool, incredibly useless words. More on jellyfish:
In Akita prefecture some communities saw their incomes fall by 80 per cent. The gizzard shad fishers of South Korea have also been plagued by the Nomura’s.
To me it sounds like the 'gizzard shad fishers' have been plagued with a terrible job.
"I say Bruce, have you seen my portfolio lately? Gold is through the roof! How 'bout that!"
"Actually, I'm in Gizzard Shad, mostly."
"Oh. ...How's that going?"
"...Not so good."
"You see, there's these jellyfish.."
"They're really big."
In some places jellyfish density is reported to be a hundred times higher than normal. Worst of all, no one yet understands why. One theory is that global warming is heating up the seawater and encouraging jellyfish breeding.
Another theory is that giant jellyfish have a proclivity for eating scientists who blame everything on global warming. You've been warned.
Some observers "blame heavy rains in China over the summer". Which is, incidentally, what I blamed my last late essay assignment on.
In the meantime locals are making the best of it — rather than just complaining about jellyfish they are eating them.
This reminds me of when I decided to stop just complaining about babies.
Jellyfish are an unusual ingredient of Japanese cuisine but are much more prized in China. Coastal communities are doing their best to promote jellyfish as a novelty food, sold dried and salted.
Students in Obama have managed to turn them into tofu, and jellyfish collagen is reported to be beneficial to the skin.
"So, I rub the jellyfish...on my body.."
"....and thats good?"
"mm hmm, right. For the skin."
"...You aren't just saying this because you have thousands of dead, gigantic jellyfish?"
These interesting, useless facts, previously known by less than 5 individuals worldwide, were also among the wealth of knowledge imparted unto me by The Times Online:
- The most poisonous jellyfish is the Australian sea wasp, or box jellyfish, with enough venom to kill 60 people. Wearing tights is an effective defence.
This is also an effective defense against meeting members of the opposite sex.
- A collection of jellyfish is known as a smack.
I suppose, and maybe I'm wrong here, that it would then stand to reason that a collection of female jellyfish is known as a 'bitch smack'.
..And I'm through.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
You are not lance Armstrong. Tenuously linking yourself to him by wearing his gay little bracelet does not make you cool, or in better shape. So before you decide to proudly show the world that you selflessly donated an entire American dollar to cancer research, stop trying to make a fashion statement, and get rid of the rubber band. If you are really interested in donating money to cancer research, here ya go. At least they will get the whole dollar.
Monday, November 28, 2005
You know, end of the millenium? Computers thinking 1900 instead of 2000? Any bells? It was supposed to be a time of glorious disaster and social meltdown. A time of MRE's and Bottled water. A time of finally getting to use all the MRE's and bottled water. All the months of waiting and hoping, and I didn't even get to shoot one crazed, unprepared looter in the face. I didn't even get brownouts or spotty electricity for a few days. There were supposed to be roving bands of leather-clad bandits killing people for liquor within the week. And then I could kill them in a souped-up car.
But, no. Nothing. It was supposed to be my big chance to show I wasn't crazy for hoarding weapons, food and other cool stuff, and then to re-prove that I am crazy by slaughtering hapless, unprepared looters. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want total infrastructural meltdown, just 2 or 3 weeks of disrupted food/water/electricity/traffic laws. You know, to really separate the men from the boys. I don't think that's too much to ask.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
The handout, titled "Your Daddy Kills Animals," features a grinning lunatic gutting a fish, and warns kids to keep their puppies and kittens away from Dad because he's "hooked on killing."
At least the fishermen eat them after they kill them.
Hmm puppies and kittens instead of fish....Well, they would be much easier to catch...why didn't we think of this before?! Thanks PETA!
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The best way to learn to avoid drugs is for other people to get their shit ruined. And then watch it. Repeatedly. In slow motion. And even if that doesn't convince anybody, it's still fun.
Skateboard: 100 $
Double-digit IQ: 9 months worth of beer for mom - 500 $
Finding tall staircase, wall, or crevasse: 2 hours that could be spent working at Mcd's - Opportunity cost of 12 $
Just enough drugs to make stupid people even more stupid: 50 $
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Extreme Dew Drinker #1: Wow! a 36 pack! That's like 48.7% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: Booyah! lets get one - Wait a sec, it says its 50% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #1: But- but how!? (reeling and lightheaded) But that would mean- (pulls out calculator)....Most righteous! It IS 50% more!!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: In that case, I'll take two!
Monday, October 31, 2005
Today one of my professors offered up the ridiculous analogy (while attempting to convince us of some equally ridiculous "facts") that all cars are the same. He said that if you want you can pay more, but you are really getting the same thing. Aside from being a terrible analogy (I may be biased, as I happen to create extremely poignant, hard-hitting and relevant analogies), it is just really, really wrong. I had the urge to tell him that if cars are all so similar, I would gladly trade cars with him. Hell, I would pay him a few hundred dollars to trade. And I don't even know what he drives. Probably a bicycle. Dirty Hippie. I declined to comment though, as I have been doing recently, and I just stared and gave him my best John Ritter impersonation.
As gratifying as it is to spit some nuggets of truth at these fools and watch them unravel, I have come to grips with the fact that speaking the righteous truth in class is the same as vomiting everywhere - It feels great to get it out, but then you've just got a big mess to clean up.
(Told you I was the analogy master.)
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Thats right folks. Some people are so fat and out of shape that even the slowest possible method of moving yourself feels like a workout. You would think that these fat bastards walk to the fridge so much that if walking actually helped they would have it covered. When you point out how miserably lame walking is, they whine "yeah but I like walking, its easier." !? Of course its easier! It's just walking! There's almost nothing easier! The point of exercise is to do something slightly difficult so you get better. Do these people carry around oxygen tanks for when they have to do things slightly more strenuous, like fold laundry or open a book? What are these weaklings going to do if they ever have to run away from anything? The way they move the only thing they could escape from would be a distracted sloth. When I see somebody walking for exercise, I burn more calories laughing at them than they burn walking. ( And I sure as hell save a lot more time)
Laughing - 40 calories
Walking - 26 calories
This makes walking for exercise, offically WEAK SAUCE.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Well every time I am forced to use one of these bastard sons of science and enviroment friendly philosophy, my hands are still dripping when I kill an innocent tree. That's right, every time I have to use one of these a tree dies. End the carnage. Supply paper towels.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Seriously people. Little boys? Wizards? Dwarfs? Sounds like a recipe for an upsetting porno. Has everybody gotten that bad? I mean, I can't expect everybody to be as awesome as me but really, this is just shameful. College students shouldn't be into the same movies as their 9 year old siblings. The problem is that they read at the same level. And along comes a book for the 4th grade reading level that is (somehow) socially acceptable reading for 21 year old people, and isn't just pictures of triangles and squares. For those of you who feel that loving Harry Potter isn't doing enough to prove just how much of a gaymo you are, grab your sippy cups and your footy pajamas because gay and lesbian pride week is just around the corner.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
VOTE OR DIE, BITCHES!!!
I command you to vote even if you have never heard of them or, hate them, or love them. DO IT NOW. If you want to know more about them, check "The rockingest band ever" under links to the right.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Recent hurricane turmoil has brought a lot of attention to the national gas situation. Suprisingly the US is actually the 3rd most oil producing nation, behind only Saudia Arabia and Russia. We are at the top of the consumer list though, as expected. The top 5 Biggest gas users are:
- United States
- Eric's van
When you get to the point where you easily calculate how much it costs you to drive a mile, it might be time to dust off the bicycle. (By the way, its approximately 0.34). Maybe I should just start taking a cab... .-Eric
Monday, September 19, 2005
My financial situation has somewhat stabilized and I have been getting more hours at work, and things like that. I am not having problems paying my bills, the fridge is stocked, got a full tank of gas. Thus I have decided to pay my own rent this semester, so I don't have to ask my grandpa for money any more.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
"Minds are like parachutes: They only work when they are open"
My first thought was, 'I've got something that will open your mind: My shutgun!'
I then surmised that the reason their mind is like a parachute is becaused its filled with air.
My mind, on the other hand, is like a steel trap. Not only because it traps useful information and holds onto it, but because when people try to put anything stupid in it chops off their hand.
Monday, June 27, 2005
During one of the times that I sit around and marvel at how good I am at poker, I discovered something previously unknown to me. Poker is full of some rather lurid terminology (at least when viewed with the same sophomoric crassness that I view everything else). If you laugh every time somebody is named Dick, then you know what I mean.
Here is some poker terminology that raised my eyebrow:
All In: Putting all your chips in the pot. Or putting your...well,,...you get the idea.
Short Stack: The term for the player with the smallest stack of chips; or in the theme of this juvenile post, the smallest penis.
Splashing the Pot: Refer to poop article.
Bluff: Rhymes with buff, as in naked? eh? Yeah, that's weak. Sorry.
Limp In: When players just call the blind instead of raising; Or when grandpa forgets his
Suckout: Well, maybe legalized prostitution in Vegas influenced poker terminology.
-What they mean when they say it: My flush got beat by a straight flush.
-What I think when I hear it: A spankin' session somehow gone awry.
Pocket Rockets: Well, it means wired aces, but I can't help but think it means a trouser snake, ie, Jimmy the one-eyed wonder weasel.
In the Hole: There's just no way this can sound innocuous. Even worse, it can sometimes be paired with the above for the extremely sordid statement, "He had pocket rockets in the hole".
The Nuts: If you don't get this one, go look it up on the internet.
Big Slick: Well, its better than "Princess Sofia".
Belly Buster: Eating too much Taco Bell.
Flop: The community cards. Or what happens when you find out the girl you are making out with is actually a man.
Big Pair: Ok, it may be hard to explain this one, but it goes something like this: "Hey dude, check out the big pair on her!" (works also with 'top pair').
Position: Poker is a game of people and position. Sort of like a passionate session of love-making.
That's all for now. All this talk has made me want to go rock some poker. And I DO rock it.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
In All Its Glory
See, I am very responsive to my consituents. Vote Eric.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Lets face it, Indians just aren't that cool anymore. In the past there may have been something exciting about running around half naked killing bison and scalping people, but they don't even do that anymore. If kids today play 'cowboys and indians', they are more likely to be playing blackjack than shooting a bow and arrows.
1. Ur - Urethra. May also refer to a urinary tract infection, or blood in the urine.
2. LOL - A modification of the word 'roll', refers to the pendulous folds of blubber cascading from the flabby stomachs of many internet users.
3. wtf - derived from antiquated internet slang of the 1800's, translates roughly to "I'm a pillow biter".
4. ttyl - Abbreviation for the ancient Mexican city Technocticlan. Can also be used to refer to Mexican vacations and donkey shows.
5. thx - George Lucas' first film, thx 1138.
6. cya - Short for cyan, or cyanosis, associated with asphyxiation. It is usually typed when the individual is choking on a Zinger or similar snack foods.
7. brb - Short for 'brumby', the wild roaming horses of Australia. They will trample you.
8. convo - Short for convulsions, used when the typer is having a seizure. Shortened to convo due to the obvious difficulty of typing while seizing.
9. gg - "got gas". can be posed as a statement or question. An evolution of "got milk", but instead of a milk mustache it is evidenced by massive amounts of flatulence, and/or painful cramps. Can also be gtg (got the gas)
10. rofl - referring to 'romping on the floor', it is widely used in homosexual circles and has certain sexual connotations (Mostly in reference to ass-raping).
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Hi, I'm John Morgan of the law offices of Morgan, Colling and Gilbert. If your old people are in a nursing home, they will get raped. Either that, or the nurses will forget to change their bed pans and they will get festering bed sores. Nursing home abuse isn't just something that happens, its something that we hope happens. I mean lets face it, you probably won't get any money out of your gross dying grandmother unless somebody abuses them and you sue. And we don't get any money unless you sue. If you don't put your old people in an abusive nursing home, you're wrong.
Morgan, Colling and gilbert: For US - I mean, the people.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
I don't understand people lying around outside in the grass, having a jolly old time, when I have to make several pitstops just to make it to class (I don't want the toast in my pocket to burn) and then use a spatula to get my backpack off. When you realize that little spot on your shirt is the area not covered in sweat, something is wrong.
But as the saying goes, "If you don't like the weather in Florida, wait five minutes and it will change." ....From 85 Degrees to 90.
Monday, June 13, 2005
It's a part of our everyday lives. Unless you don't eat enough fruit like me, then it's a part of our every-other-day lives. I know of nothing else that can at the same time fill me with such conflicting emotions: Pain and relief, hope and foreboding. In a way, taking a dump is like soliciting a prostitute: Nobody talks about it, but everybody does it. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else....It is however, much like school. How you ask? How indeed....
Taking a dump is like going to school, because:
* Everyone has to do it, but some people take longer and struggle more.
* When you are done, its a huge relief.
* It really sucks if you have to get up early to get it done.
* If you talk about it too much people will get annoyed.
* If you keep looking at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.
* Some people brag about it.
* Skipping just means you'll have to do more work later.
* The seats are uncomfortable.
* At times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
* If you miss too many sessions you'll start to get really worried.
* Your parents are proud when you do it. (This only applies to those of you not over 2 years old....Hopefully.)
* When you are really struggling, it can feel hopeless.
* You have to devote time and money.
* You need lots of books.
Some people have mastered the art of the 5 minute deuce. Something I hope to one day achieve. Right now I need the full half hour and plenty of reading materials. Its already like trying to drive a UPS truck through a doorway; there's no reason to do it at 90 miles an hour.
There is a passage in the Bible about it: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for Eric to pass a bowel movement."
I leave you with a chart to help you with the next time you have to think of a euphemism for number 2:
Official Poop Nomenclature Chart
-Pick a term from each category and prepare to offend-
(Click To Enlarge)
Nobody is a worse dancer than me. Nobody. If you told me to dance right now, I wouldn't even know where to start. I once saw a crippled drooling guy in a wheelchair, and I thought maybe he would be worse than me, but he started having a seizure and proved me wrong. If I tried to dance, it would look like somebody who was rolling down a steep, lumpy hill while simultaneously being attacked by a swarm of bees and electrocuted. I'll leave the dancing to the professionals. And by 'professionals', I mean black people.
Friday, June 10, 2005
I need a shower.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Where is the good here?
Is it just me, or does the "Buses Welcome" sign make it even funnier?
you people make me sick.