Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Truth for your Brain

These are some questions that have plagued weak minds for many moons. Today I will use my considerable intellect to answer them for the unenlightened ruck that presently inhabits our planet.

Prepare yourself for truth:

Question 1. Can you cry under water?

Actually, no. If you try to cry underwater, the water goes IN your tear ducts instead of out, and causes you to become hydro-cephalic and die. This is why people die during shark attacks. If you can get through the attack without crying, sharks can't hurt you. It's also why you never hear of people dying of shark attacks on land.

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?

In a perfect world, all killings would be assassinations. 'Murderers' is just what we call people who are too stupid to get paid to kill.

3. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

When Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden of Eden, God said "From this day forth, man is cursed, and every time he makes a sandwich, he will get a few bites of nothing but bread, on the corners, because the bread shalt be roughly rectangular in shape, whereas the meat will usually be round."

4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's the 'free thought tax' instituted by congress.

5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?


6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Gimme a break! Have you ever tried making a round box? Well let me tell you, its a lot harder than making a pizza. Also, in the past, round pizza boxes have been mistaken for UFO's and shot down.

7. What disease did 'cured' ham actually have?

Asbergers syndrome, or social autism. Which is why people started killing pigs to begin with; they just couldn't stand their awkwardness in social settings and egregious lack of tact.

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Well, back when people were serious and manly enough to even want to go to the moon, they carried their luggage without bitching about it (sometimes even adding weight). Now people are weak and have to roll their luggage, and the moon moved farther away to spite us, which is why we haven't been back since. It threw off all the telemetry.

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

Well, when I say 'I slept like a baby' I mean I shit myself and then cried all night. So it makes more sense.

10. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Probably, but not because its a Pepsi. They'll fire you because you're a no-good lazy-ass slacker.

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

To anger poor people in other countries who don't have any money. Besides, the only people who pay to go up tall buildings are the ones who suck at climbing. If they were smart, they would make it so it's free to enter, but you have to pay to leave. Or jump.

12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Nobody. It's just a hazard of the job.

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Yes. If you are wasting your time reading your soup instead of eating it, then YOU are the one not getting the full effect.

14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Probably a baby cow.

15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Because sometimes toast just needs to be punished.

16. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Because nobody eats frozen shrimp in the middle of the night.
And its cheaper.

17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

The lyric is actually, "Jimmy cracks corn and Iduntcars". Iduntcars is medieval english meaning "an anecdote that lacks humor". So the song indicates that Jimmy cracks corn and bad jokes.

18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Some people do point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is. I stopped pointing at anything when asking a question, because I used to get the questions confused, and people would get upset when I pointed at my crotch and asked "Do you know what time it is?"

19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both

20. What do you call male ballerinas?

21. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
No, blind people do not dream. In fact, they lose their souls when they become blind, and after that, can only invade other peoples' dreams.

22. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

He had to satisfy his male craving to kill and win.

23. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?


24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Originally yes, when they were both set to the tune of Iron Maiden's "Aces High"