Friday, January 29, 2010

So let it be written, so let it be done - Part II

Here are some more guidelines for you mortals to follow when I become rightful ruler of this planet:

I. Bathrooms. There are a lot of things wrong with public bathrooms.

1. All urinals will be based on my height. right now urinals are either 6 inches off the ground and might as well just be a drain in the floor, or they are so tall you have to stand on your toes and drape your sack over the edge just to use it.

2. Speaking of urinals, spend the extra 5 dollars and make the walls between them more than a foot tall. The ones they have now are the equivalent of Nicolas Cage's hair: nobody is fooled, and you can see a lot of bare flesh.

3. Stall doors will only open outward. I don't know why they feel it's necessary to make a stall the size of a medicine cabinet and have the door open INTO it, so you have to stand on the toilet to close the door. WRONG ANSWER. I am tired of having to perform circus magic to get in and out of bathroom stalls. Some people don't have precious seconds to spare when trying to use the bathroom. Hey, do what you want, but you are the ones who will be cleaning shit off the walls.

More to follow, peasants.

- Double E

Thursday, January 14, 2010

So let it be written, so let it be done

Everybody knows that rules and laws are stupid, and I have a glorious history of ignoring absurd ones. But the rest of the people on this planet are not nearly as awesome as I am, and so there is all sorts of shit they are doing that they just need to stop. Mostly because it bothers me, which means it's wrong.

So when I take my rightful place as Grand Pompous Overlord of the planet, there are a few rules I am going to institute:

I. No drinking soup out of a thermos
I have no explanation for this one, but it creeps me out and it needs to stop.

II. Grocery stores need to get their shit together and stop insulting me

1. No lame sale announcements. I was in Publix and saw a sign above one of their lame products that said "surprisingly low price!". Bitch, you tell me what the price is, and I'll let you know if I'm surprised.

2. No green bags. These stores will need to get rid of the retarded "green" grocery bags that people use to feel like they are saving the environment, then stuff with 40lbs of hohos and ding dongs and lunchables whose combined packaging material could choke a flock of seagulls. And I mean the band, not the birds (the birds seem to choke rather easily on plastic so it's not that impressive of an analogy).
Right now in India, some kid is riding a motorized rickshaw that blasts as much smog as an iron smelting factory, and people are worried about a special bag to hold their Greenwise yogurt and sprouts.

3. Every store should have candy and cakes at the end of an obstacle course so the fatties either choose not to buy it, get exercise, or die.

4. Carts will be tracked vehicles with a dump-truck bed, and controlled with two sticks like big lawnmowers and bumper cars. (the tracks give you a zero-turning radius, eliminate that one shaky wheel carts always have, and let you run over stray soup cans and babies who fall out of their carts)

5. Women are only allowed to shop in workout clothes or pajamas. (This may already be a law)

6. They must take any coupons I give them. Even if they are expired, for the wrong product, or I drew them on the back of a placemat with a crayon.

7. Approx 1 of 34 food cans will have a one of those big fake spring-snakes in it. Or a dead bird.

I'm tired I will come up with more rules for you mortals to follow later.

- Double E