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Friday, September 08, 2006

It's so hot. Milk was a bad choice.

Florida weather has a way of making you feel like your underwear is filled with wet gravel.

That is all.





-Eric

Friday, August 11, 2006

Another terrorist plot

Because of the recently thwarted terrorist plots, security has been increased dramatically at all major airports, and terroritst have been ever more creative in their attempts. Immediately after the capture of this latest round of terrorists, another attempt was discovered in which terrorists planned to detonate a plane full of passengers with this baby's explosive flatulence:


The plot was discovered when 3 middle eastern men were witnessed buying 1000 cans of Gerbers Sauer Kraut. Police investigated until they discovered evidence of the nefarious plot. Among this evidence was the above picture, which was originally thought to be a leaked picture of Seal and Heidi Klum's new baby. After the true plot was discovered, the men were arrested and the bomb squad took the baby to their facility in the desert and safely detonated it.




-Eric

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Fabulous

Recent headlines in all major newspapers have all mentioned Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Big surprise. Just recently however, another celebrity has made a stunning announcement about his sexuality. This morning Carson Kressly, who gained notoriety as the flamboyant homo on "Queer Eye", was inspired by Lance Bass, and made a shocking admission: He's straight.




"Come on guys, " said Kressly "Nobody is THAT gay."

The famous fashion guru said he felt liberated, and he's just being true to himself.

"I was born this way. I just encountered so much prejudice in the fashion biz that I felt I had to conform. Nobody believes that a straight man can be good at fashion, and that's just wrong. I mean, look at this shirt, Does that look gay to you? Oh, wait, I thought I was wearing the blue one. This one is kinda gay."

While some people applaud his courage, his costars are not pleased, and claimed:

"His fashion sense always sucked anyways. We had our suspicions he was batting for the other team ever since he accidentally made that comment about Jessica Alba and tried to play it off like he was talking about her dress, which was a gaudy monstrosity."

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Everything I need to know I learned from commercials

If you pay attention you can learn a lot from watching commercials (or 'adverts' for you British people). Here are some things 30 seconds of advertising has taught me:

  1. Only black people like Sprite and McDonald's.
  2. You can get a good workout in 4 minutes a day.
  3. Cleaning can be fun if you get the right mop.
  4. A single paper towel can clean up 2 cups of orange juice, a bowl of oatmeal, 2 cartons of raw eggs, and a steamy pile of dog poo.
  5. Minivans and station wagons can be SUV's too if you show college kids going camping with one.
  6. Cool diapers make pooping your pants fun.
  7. Herpes makes you go mountain climbing and kayaking.

So remember these important life lessons.

-Eric

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Moldy Oldies

Because I'm sure some of you are new to discovering my awesomeness, and have yet to look through my site completely, here are the best of the past months. Enjoy.

June 2005

November 2005

December 2005


You can tell me how funny I am later. I'm busy right now.

-Eric

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

P.S. We all want answers

In case you didn't believe me:

1.) The chicken. An egg can't hatch itself.

2.) 32 board-feet

You should now feel enlightened.

-Eric

Welcome to The Dark ages (you know, before the ice was in his grill)

I'm sure everyone has heard such age old conundrums as:

1.) "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

and

2.) "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Well, besides the fact that I know the answers to both of those, because I'm awesome, there is a much more perplexing query that exists:

"Which came first, the famous rapper or his song about being famous?"




Which indeed?

I will accept all logical answers. The best answer will win some sort of prize. I haven't thought of what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

-Eric

Friday, May 05, 2006

Employment Opportunities Available: Now Hiring!


Are you looking for an easy job? One where you don't have to work very many hours? Well I will let you in on the secret that has netted me over $75 in the past several years.

The key is unwanted change. People foolishly cast it aside. That, my friend, is where you come in. When you see a coin lying on the ground, no longer should you just wonder why its all sticky and keep walking. If you saw $900 lying on the ground you wouldn't pass it by. But guess what? That's what you're doing! If you want to be successful like me, you will pick UP that coin. If you can pick up a penny in 1 full second ( a modest assumption ) then for that second you are working at the rate of $36.00 an hour! Picking up dimes nets you $360.00 an hour, and stooping for quarters earns you an astounding $900.00 an hour!!!

And you too can earn this incredible hourly rate, and work only seconds each week!

My program, Eric English's "Bend Over for Big Bucks", will teach you all the ins and outs of change-picking, including:

  • The Hot Spots - Where and when to stoop
  • Competition - What to do if you and a hobo see the coin at the same time
  • Stretching and exercises - Learn how a slow bending technique could be costing you big $$$!!
The first 300 people to order my Extreme Money-making system will receive our unisex hip-pack coin purse and a keychain vial of hand sanitizer ( A $2.49 value) absolutely FREE!
Start Making Money Today!!!
-Eric

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

It's not my fault, it's his little kitty thyroid



As of February 2003, the worlds heaviest living cat is believed to be the 44lb "Katy" from Russia. The owners wished to have it listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, but they apparently no longer accept records in this category because they don't want people to overfeed their pets.

Well, it makes sense. It would be dangerous and unhealthy.


Let's look at some other Guinness record categories that have not been discontinued:


  • Heaviest Man
  • Niagara Falls Tightrope walking
  • Largest mantle of Bees
  • Longest Ramp jump with a caravan
  • Solo Mount Everest Ascents
  • Fastest speed road-skiing behind a motorcycle
  • Highest Shallow dive
  • Strangest diet (metal and glass)
And the last one is my favorite:

  • Most kicks to the head in one minute(Self)


Good to see they don't want people doing dangerous or unhealthy things either.



-Eric

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Mythbuster

I feel it is my duty to impart upon you, the hapless masses, the benefits of my wisdom. So today I am going to debunk the myth of the hippie credo, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Let's assume that there are two warring factions, Red and Blue.

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In the course of events, a member of blue faction gouges out the eye of a member of Red faction.

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In the spirit of "An eye for an eye" (a concept which both factions strictly adhere to) another member of Red faction takes the eye of the offending member of Blue faction.

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The trend of vengeance then continues, as I will illustrate step-by-step with the following unnecessarily long sequence of pictures:

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The cycle of violence continues until all people have been blinded except for one man with one eye left, leaving him to rule over the blind masses like a god.

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So 'an eye for an eye' doesn't leave the whole world blind, it leaves a single one-eyed man ruling billions of blind, helpless minions. Hopefully that helped dispel some of the myth.

-Eric

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Well, obviously



The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.



Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:




For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?



2. Supersize Me




Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.



3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.


That's all for now.

Obviously.




-Eric

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Would you like some french cries with that?

Lately everyone has been complaining about gas prices. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Shut up. If a $.25 per gallon increase in gas prices ruins your day, then your problem is not gas prices. Your problem is that you are poor. And stupid. (Only stupid people are poor). Smart people have businesses, like Buy Thermite, and people with businesses aren't poor. Unless stupid people don't buy their stuff. Get to it, peasants.

Just to show you how stupid you are for being poor and complaining about gas prices, I am going to list a few things that are way more over-priced than dead-dino juice.

**WARNING: The following items are grossly overpriced at your local marts, and strip you of your hard-earned dollars. Not recommended for people who are poor and stupid**

1. Water

That's right, good ol' H2O. If you have ever bought a bottle of water, you can't complain about gas prices. Unless you were in the middle of the desert and needed it to live (but you have to be pissed about being ripped off). In the words of Jim Gaffigan,
"Do you guys have water? I know it's free from every tap; I'd like to buy some. Do you have any air? Maybe some garbage?"
Don't laugh. That's not a joke. That's you being exposed. If you buy water, which is usually way more per gallon than gas (unless you get like Albertson's brand in the big, thin, crappy jug) then you can't complain about gas being an extra quarter.


2. Gas.

Gas is so overpric-

wait.....

Damn.
-Eric

Monday, March 27, 2006

The historically worst inventions in the history of history: Continued

Since I have plenty of hateful insight, here are some more inventions that would have been better used by just infecting them with smallpox and giving them to the indians:


1.) The Necktie

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Next time you see somebody wearing a tie, just stop for a moment and think about what it really is. Ok you say, it's a colorful strip of cloth that hangs from your neck, and.... - And nothing. That's it! I can see more purpose in wearing a cape to work every day. If you insist on dangling a strip of cloth from your neck, you might as well make it red and dress like a giant turkey. Gobble Gobble, you stupid jerk.



2.) Pizza Cutter

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I didn't know this, but the guy that invented the pizza cutter also wrote a book. It was titled: "How to invent something that looks like it would work really well."
The inventor of the wheel is also partially responsible for this abomination. The challenge was simple: Make a device that cuts a pizza in one swift movement. Well, I actually found another invention that cuts pizza as well as the average pizza cutter:


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Teeth and karate chops were made for a reason. Stick with those.





3.) Krishna Food

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There is a motley Hare Krishna caravan that makes it's way onto campus every day to peddle some sort of putrid muck for people to eat. For now I'll ignore that fact that it never contains any animal products, and will instead focus on its crippling, diarrhea-inducing odor. The food I eat doesn't even smell as bad after I crap it back out and blend it with a rotting squid carcass. I don't understand how human beings can even approach this stuff without a yellow plastic suit and a flamethrower, much less stuff gobs of it into their fat mouths. Terrible invention.




4.) Brakes

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The guys who invented airbags, ram-bars, ejection seats, and fire-retardant suits must now feel like they were just wasting their time. Brakes are like Erasers: You only need them if you screw up. So nancy, there's no need for brakes; Just dip, dodge, duck, dive, and dodge. You'll save gas that way too.


Now go out there and invent something worth using. I'm waiting.

-Eric

Monday, March 20, 2006

The historically worst inventions in the history of history

Making new things is usually cool, especially when they make my life easier. Sometimes though, people make things that just screw everything up. Following are history's worst inventions since sliced bread (I prefer to bite into whole, pristine loaves). Surprisingly, not all of them were invented by women. These are in no specific order of suckiness, I just hate them all:

I. The Wheel



If you think the stagnation of sled, jetpack, catapult, and teleportation technology is a good thing, then by all means, laud the invention of the wheel. The bottom line is, anybody could have come up with this stupid invention. They should have waited until after other, really cool methods of transportation were invented. Like riding dinosaurs. Also, no other single invention until the TV remote has contributed more to laziness. Walk it off!


II. Cell phone cameras



As if there weren't enough pictures of fat, ugly women on the internet. I can't think of a more worthless gimmick to make already crappy cell-phones even more expensive. Oh, I can have a picture of you show up on my phone when you call!? Well guess what turd! I don't want to look at you. That's why I'm talking to you on the phone and not in person. Maybe before putting cameras in cell phones, they should make them do something cooler, like ACTUALLY WORK.


III. Flip Flops



If flip flops were a person, they would be Paris Hilton. Why? They're flat, ugly, stupid, overrated, and I have no idea how they got so popular. There are only several reasons why a person might wear sandals. Allow me to explain:

a. You want people to look at your hideous feet.
b. You are too poor to afford a whole pair of actual shoes
c. You're an asshole
d. You are Jesus (Guess what: you're not)
e. You do whatever everybody else is doing, regardless of how ridiculous it is.

Now go into Payless and tell them you are sick of looking like an asshole. Kill a forest animal and wear the skins on your feet. Go barefoot. I don't care, Just please get rid of the flip flops.

IV. Red Bull
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It doesn't give you wings. It tastes like paint thinner. It costs 2 dollars a can. 'Nuff said. No crappy invention has been so monstrously overpriced since Tickle-me-Elmos. Mountain Dew is infinitely better. Here's an SAT analogy question for you:

1. Mountain Dew : Red Bull

a. Don Frye : Thomas Ramirez
b. USA : Nigeria
c. Ferrari Maranello : Geo Metro
d. BK commercials : Old Navy commercials
c. K2 : Pile of leaves by my door
d. All of the above

If you don't know the answer, go kill yourself.

- more to come. If I feel like it.

-Eric

Sunday, January 22, 2006

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

Scientists in China are building the world's first "artificial sun" fusion energy device. The device will reportedly be able to withstand like a bajillion degrees. The cost of making this fake sun is 300 million yuan, or 37 million US dollars. This seems like a ripoff. I made a fake sun too, once. See:


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The bidding will start at 37 million dollars.

-Eric

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Holy Herbivores Batman!

As reported by Fox News on 07/27/2005 (Important news travels fast): In a startling upset, Carrie Underwood of "American Idol" fame and Coldplay frontman Chris "fag-man" Martin were voted as last year's 'Worlds Sexiest Vegetarians' by PETA. Since the contest's inception, the PETA tree-humpers have been searching for sexy vegetarians. When a few humans gleefully admitted to vegetarianism, PETA was quick to upstage their previous "World's Sexiest Vegetarians":

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UPDATE: The Baboon was later disqualified when it ate its own young.


-Eric