Let Them Hate, As Long As They Fear.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the sidewalks....

2009-09-14T23:43:00.005-04:00

Sometimes really bizarre things that we all thought were dead for good turn up and rock our world, and make us re-evaluate our knowledge.; like the coelacanth.

Some of these discoveries are pleasant, and bring joy and smiles to the scientific community; like the coelacanth.

But other things that we thought were long dead, and feared could hurt our children, resurface and rock our world, making us question everything we believe.

Things like ......rollerblading?

I know, I thought this was dead too, but in the last 30 days I have seen no less than 3 people on rollerblades. In public! 3 may not seem like a lot until you consider that the last time I saw somebody using rollerblades was a picture on the back of a Pog in like 1993.

Seriously, did someone just wake up one day and think, "This is getting out of control. I am just way, WAY to cool. the only way to deal with this is to be seen in public using rollerblades, with a moderate degree of skill that suggests I actually partake in this outdated fad on a semi-regular basis."

Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they said.

- Double E

P.S. I have no idea if the being in that picture is male or female, so don't ask. The smooth supple skin, shapely thighs, and high-waisted cut-off jean shorts suggest female. But the creature's version of a head/face thing suggests something otherworldly. Or French.

The Truth About Swine Flu

2009-04-26T20:40:00.009-04:00

A while ago I wrote about bird flu and gave a lot of truth to a lot of people. You're welcome. Now the animal kingdom has a new test for me, and the rest of mankind: Swine flu.
Don't confuse this with "Swine-fu", a form of martial arts characterized by overwhelming your opponent with bodily stench and a love for semi-rancid vegetables.

Swine flu originated in Mexico, which is probably where a lot of other diseases originated too. Pigs never cover their mouths when they sneeze, so most likely the devil got in them and is trying to kill people.

Well, I've got news for you hog-faces: its going to take a lot more than a runny nose, fever, and fatal pneumonia to keep me from eating your delicious rib meat.

So before you pink pig bastards spit up any more bloody sputum on us, just remember one thing:

-Double E

Nothing is bigger than my printer.

2009-02-26T21:56:00.004-05:00

I just purchased a printer that is the probably the largest electrical device in existence. It has smaller printers orbiting it. When I moved it from Walmart to my house it affected the tides. When I opened it up I expected to find a smaller printer inside, with an even smaller printer inside of that one. I thought the box was unusually big when i was buying it, but when I got it out it was even bigger than the box.

If printer technology had kept up with cell phones and computers, it would somehow be even smaller than the sheets of paper it was printing on. Instead it is larger than the forest the paper trees come from.

Looking at it right now, I want to throw a table cloth over it and host a banquet for visiting dignitaries.

If my apartment was hit by a tornado right now, I would climb inside my printer for safety. In fact, with this printer I don't even need an apt.

I walked around the side of my printer to plug in the cable and I got lost.

It didn't even come with an instruction booklet; Just a map.

I put in an entire ream of fresh paper and it just laughed at me.

Apparently God CAN make a rock so big that even he can't lift it-it's called my printer.

-Double E

25 facts about me you are better off not knowing

2009-02-18T18:38:00.002-05:00

Don't let the title deceive you; you are only better off not knowing because the more you learn about me the more you will realize how worthless and weak you are. You will rend your garments and gnash your teeth, and beat your children for not being like me.
Moving on. By request:

25 Amazing and true facts about me

1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).

2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.

3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)

4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.

5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.

6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).

7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.

8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).

9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".

10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.

11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.

12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.

13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).

14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.

15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.

16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com

17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.

18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.

19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.

20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.

21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.

22. I watch every UFC.

23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.

24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.

25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.

*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)

-Double E

If I push it any harder the whole thing will blow!

2009-02-05T16:00:00.003-05:00

I recently had to go through a period of military training that was several months long. At the end of the class I was ranked 8/55 in terms of overall performance. Now this is nothing to write home about until you consider my level of apathy.

Yes, you may call me master.

-Double E

Paper or Plastic? Neither

2009-02-05T15:44:00.004-05:00

The debate has long raged over which is the correct choice of grocery-toting receptacle. Recently these stupid bags were invented and have promised to answer the prayers of hippies everywhere:

So now you can spend money you don't have to and obnoxiously announce you are to good to just reuse regular bags at the same time! But this is still not the best answer:

Paper or plastic? Neither. SLAVES

Think about it. A slave can carry much more than one of these bags. And while it takes a regular plastic bag 1000 years to biodegrade, slaves biodegrade in only a few years. Or you can even feed them to other slaves. Now THAT is sustainability.

-Double E

That's the Ticket

2008-09-14T13:44:00.003-04:00

Lots of people have been commenting on the fact that McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate was both a surprising and potentially risky choice. Since I am smarter then everyone, I will tell you the truth: It was neither bold nor risky. Unless you were stupid you knew he would choose a younger candidate who was either black or a woman. Maybe both.

Since all politicians are horrible people with contrived personalities and thinly veiled agendas, I am going to do the world a favor and run for president. You're Welcome. And now I will show you what a truly bold and surprising VP pick is:

My running mate for the 2008 presidential election is......

The Fake Bigfoot Body:

Fake Bigfoot Body should bring in some of the minority vote, since he is a minority (how many fake bigfoot bodies are there?). He should get a fair percentage of the woman vote too, since he is a big furry animal. He just needs to tuck away those fake intestines or whatever they are. His stoic rubber gaze and lack of a brain makes it impossible to rattle him in a debate. his pliant handshake and warm furry embrace is sure to entice some swing voters as well, and independents will welcome the new face to the political scene.

Fake bigfoot body has been criticized for lack of political experience, but he is the best at doing what we wish all politicians would do: Nothing. Nobody can do nothing like Fake Bigfoot Body.

Do what's best for the country: Vote Double E - Fake Bigfoot Body.

-Double E

Large and in charge - Vanity sizing sweeps the nation

2008-08-24T23:14:00.003-04:00

For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".

Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.

Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:

From this day forward,

Mens sizes:

Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"

Women Sizes:

Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect

-Double E

The historically worst inventions in the history of History - Teil Drei

2008-08-03T14:53:00.010-04:00

Not all inventions make the world a better place. Evidence:

1. Cooking

Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.

Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.

Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.

Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.

2. Electric cars

-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.

3. The little holes in spatulas

At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.

>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1

>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2

More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).

-Double E

Breaking News - Woman unhappy

2008-07-30T13:51:00.004-04:00

Katie Couric recently stated that sexism in America is more common than racism,and that she and Hillary Clinton are both victims. Feelings about the statement were mixed, and responses from fellow news anchors and others present included:

"Shutup and fix me a sammich."
- Co-anchor

"If you like Hillary so much why don't you marry her?"
- Camera Guy

"Tits or GTFO"
- Also the Camera guy

"Bitches be crazy."
- An observant man present at the scene

" (murmur of approval)"
- All other men present

"You're right Mrs Couric."
- Some broad

"No, racism is worse."
- Some black guy

"Sucks to be me either way."
- Some black broad

"Seriously, where's my sammich? "
- Co-anchor

-Double E

Awesome Title

2008-07-16T12:02:00.004-04:00

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.

1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).

2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.

The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:

Gilgamesh

Fetus, son of ______(your name)

Funkatronic

Eric (Taken)

Laser

Swammee

Schmelvis pooply

There. Now you don't have to buy a book.

- Double E

BUY BUY BUY

2008-07-04T14:47:00.004-04:00

I got this moving dolly to move the vast amounts of crap I have acquired over the years. I only used it once, and now I don't need it anymore. Being a poor person, it goes against my nature to get rid of it without making any money, so I am selling it.

This fascinating device uses the power of physics (and wheels) to allow even weaklings like you to move big things so you don't have to bother your friends to help you move. Also good if you don't have any friends.

Features:
- 600 pound capacity: That's like Rosie Odonnell minus a few hundred pounds. You can carry desks, dressers, heavy boxes, beer kegs, whatever.

-Big Wheels: These are actual air-filled tires, not solid-plastic crap wheel like you may find on other people's dollies. This means you get unparalleled coushion, and the ability to run over smaller, lesser dollies. Even allows it to easily go up and down stairs, if you can handle it.

-Red color: Shiny red color makes it appear you are moving much faster than you actually are, which has to be good. Also catches people's eye so they are sure to notice you heroically moving very large items. Don't forget to sneer haughtily at people who have boring grey or blue dollies.

-Price: Cheaper than a new one, but works just as well. You'll need the dolly to move all the liquor you can buy with the money you saved

Truth for your Brain

2007-11-27T02:28:00.003-05:00

These are some questions that have plagued weak minds for many moons. Today I will use my considerable intellect to answer them for the unenlightened ruck that presently inhabits our planet.

Prepare yourself for truth:

Question 1. Can you cry under water?

Actually, no. If you try to cry underwater, the water goes IN your tear ducts instead of out, and causes you to become hydro-cephalic and die. This is why people die during shark attacks. If you can get through the attack without crying, sharks can't hurt you. It's also why you never hear of people dying of shark attacks on land.

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?

In a perfect world, all killings would be assassinations. 'Murderers' is just what we call people who are too stupid to get paid to kill.

3. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

When Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden of Eden, God said "From this day forth, man is cursed, and every time he makes a sandwich, he will get a few bites of nothing but bread, on the corners, because the bread shalt be roughly rectangular in shape, whereas the meat will usually be round."

4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's the 'free thought tax' instituted by congress.

5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Yes.

6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Gimme a break! Have you ever tried making a round box? Well let me tell you, its a lot harder than making a pizza. Also, in the past, round pizza boxes have been mistaken for UFO's and shot down.

7. What disease did 'cured' ham actually have?

Asbergers syndrome, or social autism. Which is why people started killing pigs to begin with; they just couldn't stand their awkwardness in social settings and egregious lack of tact.

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Well, back when people were serious and manly enough to even want to go to the moon, they carried their luggage without bitching about it (sometimes even adding weight). Now people are weak and have to roll their luggage, and the moon moved farther away to spite us, which is why we haven't been back since. It threw off all the telemetry.

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

Well, when I say 'I slept like a baby' I mean I shit myself and then cried all night. So it makes more sense.

10. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Probably, but not because its a Pepsi. They'll fire you because you're a no-good lazy-ass slacker.

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

To anger poor people in other countries who don't have any money. Besides, the only people who pay to go up tall buildings are the ones who suck at climbing. If they were smart, they would make it so it's free to enter, but you have to pay to leave. Or jump.

12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Nobody. It's just a hazard of the job.

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Yes. If you are wasting your time reading your soup instead of eating it, then YOU are the one not getting the full effect.

14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Probably a baby cow.

15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Because sometimes toast just needs to be punished.

16. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Because nobody eats frozen shrimp in the middle of the night.
And its cheaper.

17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

The lyric is actually, "Jimmy cracks corn and Iduntcars". Iduntcars is medieval english meaning "an anecdote that lacks humor". So the song indicates that Jimmy cracks corn and bad jokes.

18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Some people do point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is. I stopped pointing at anything when asking a question, because I used to get the questions confused, and people would get upset when I pointed at my crotch and asked "Do you know what time it is?"

19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Evolution?

20. What do you call male ballerinas?
Homosexuals.

21. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
No, blind people do not dream. In fact, they lose their souls when they become blind, and after that, can only invade other peoples' dreams.

22. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

He had to satisfy his male craving to kill and win.

23. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

Babies.

24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Originally yes, when they were both set to the tune of Iron Maiden's "Aces High"

It's so hot. Milk was a bad choice.

2006-09-08T01:30:00.000-04:00

Florida weather has a way of making you feel like your underwear is filled with wet gravel.

That is all.

-Eric

Another terrorist plot

2006-08-11T17:29:00.000-04:00

Because of the recently thwarted terrorist plots, security has been increased dramatically at all major airports, and terroritst have been ever more creative in their attempts. Immediately after the capture of this latest round of terrorists, another attempt was discovered in which terrorists planned to detonate a plane full of passengers with this baby's explosive flatulence:

The plot was discovered when 3 middle eastern men were witnessed buying 1000 cans of Gerbers Sauer Kraut. Police investigated until they discovered evidence of the nefarious plot. Among this evidence was the above picture, which was originally thought to be a leaked picture of Seal and Heidi Klum's new baby. After the true plot was discovered, the men were arrested and the bomb squad took the baby to their facility in the desert and safely detonated it.

-Eric

Fabulous

2006-08-01T01:07:00.000-04:00

Recent headlines in all major newspapers have all mentioned Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Big surprise. Just recently however, another celebrity has made a stunning announcement about his sexuality. This morning Carson Kressly, who gained notoriety as the flamboyant homo on "Queer Eye", was inspired by Lance Bass, and made a shocking admission: He's straight.

"Come on guys, " said Kressly "Nobody is THAT gay."

The famous fashion guru said he felt liberated, and he's just being true to himself.

"I was born this way. I just encountered so much prejudice in the fashion biz that I felt I had to conform. Nobody believes that a straight man can be good at fashion, and that's just wrong. I mean, look at this shirt, Does that look gay to you? Oh, wait, I thought I was wearing the blue one. This one is kinda gay."

While some people applaud his courage, his costars are not pleased, and claimed:

"His fashion sense always sucked anyways. We had our suspicions he was batting for the other team ever since he accidentally made that comment about Jessica Alba and tried to play it off like he was talking about her dress, which was a gaudy monstrosity."

Everything I need to know I learned from commercials

2006-06-14T15:47:00.000-04:00

If you pay attention you can learn a lot from watching commercials (or 'adverts' for you British people). Here are some things 30 seconds of advertising has taught me:

Only black people like Sprite and McDonald's.
You can get a good workout in 4 minutes a day.
Cleaning can be fun if you get the right mop.
A single paper towel can clean up 2 cups of orange juice, a bowl of oatmeal, 2 cartons of raw eggs, and a steamy pile of dog poo.
Minivans and station wagons can be SUV's too if you show college kids going camping with one.
Cool diapers make pooping your pants fun.
Herpes makes you go mountain climbing and kayaking.

So remember these important life lessons.

-Eric

Moldy Oldies

2006-05-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

Because I'm sure some of you are new to discovering my awesomeness, and have yet to look through my site completely, here are the best of the past months. Enjoy.

June 2005

November 2005

December 2005

You can tell me how funny I am later. I'm busy right now.

-Eric

P.S. We all want answers

2006-05-10T03:48:00.001-04:00

In case you didn't believe me:

1.) The chicken. An egg can't hatch itself.

2.) 32 board-feet

You should now feel enlightened.

-Eric

Welcome to The Dark ages (you know, before the ice was in his grill)

2006-05-10T02:59:00.000-04:00

I'm sure everyone has heard such age old conundrums as:

1.) "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

and

2.) "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Well, besides the fact that I know the answers to both of those, because I'm awesome, there is a much more perplexing query that exists:

"Which came first, the famous rapper or his song about being famous?"

Which indeed?

I will accept all logical answers. The best answer will win some sort of prize. I haven't thought of what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

-Eric

Employment Opportunities Available: Now Hiring!

2006-05-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

Are you looking for an easy job? One where you don't have to work very many hours? Well I will let you in on the secret that has netted me over $75 in the past several years.

The key is unwanted change. People foolishly cast it aside. That, my friend, is where you come in. When you see a coin lying on the ground, no longer should you just wonder why its all sticky and keep walking. If you saw $900 lying on the ground you wouldn't pass it by. But guess what? That's what you're doing! If you want to be successful like me, you will pick UP that coin. If you can pick up a penny in 1 full second ( a modest assumption ) then for that second you are working at the rate of $36.00 an hour! Picking up dimes nets you $360.00 an hour, and stooping for quarters earns you an astounding $900.00 an hour!!!

And you too can earn this incredible hourly rate, and work only seconds each week!

My program, Eric English's "Bend Over for Big Bucks", will teach you all the ins and outs of change-picking, including:

The Hot Spots - Where and when to stoop
Competition - What to do if you and a hobo see the coin at the same time
Stretching and exercises - Learn how a slow bending technique could be costing you big $$$!!

The first 300 people to order my Extreme Money-making system will receive our unisex hip-pack coin purse and a keychain vial of hand sanitizer ( A $2.49 value) absolutely FREE!

Start Making Money Today!!!

-Eric

It's not my fault, it's his little kitty thyroid

2006-05-03T21:27:00.000-04:00

As of February 2003, the worlds heaviest living cat is believed to be the 44lb "Katy" from Russia. The owners wished to have it listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, but they apparently no longer accept records in this category because they don't want people to overfeed their pets.

Well, it makes sense. It would be dangerous and unhealthy.

Let's look at some other Guinness record categories that have not been discontinued:

Heaviest Man
Niagara Falls Tightrope walking
Largest mantle of Bees
Longest Ramp jump with a caravan
Solo Mount Everest Ascents
Fastest speed road-skiing behind a motorcycle
Highest Shallow dive
Strangest diet (metal and glass)

And the last one is my favorite:

Most kicks to the head in one minute(Self)

Good to see they don't want people doing dangerous or unhealthy things either.

-Eric

Mythbuster

2006-04-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

I feel it is my duty to impart upon you, the hapless masses, the benefits of my wisdom. So today I am going to debunk the myth of the hippie credo, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Let's assume that there are two warring factions, Red and Blue.

In the course of events, a member of blue faction gouges out the eye of a member of Red faction.

In the spirit of "An eye for an eye" (a concept which both factions strictly adhere to) another member of Red faction takes the eye of the offending member of Blue faction.

The trend of vengeance then continues, as I will illustrate step-by-step with the following unnecessarily long sequence of pictures:

The cycle of violence continues until all people have been blinded except for one man with one eye left, leaving him to rule over the blind masses like a god.

So 'an eye for an eye' doesn't leave the whole world blind, it leaves a single one-eyed man ruling billions of blind, helpless minions. Hopefully that helped dispel some of the myth.

-Eric

Well, obviously

2006-04-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.

Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:

For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?

2. Supersize Me

Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.

3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.

That's all for now.

Obviously.

-Eric

Would you like some french cries with that?

2006-04-25T23:58:00.000-04:00

Lately everyone has been complaining about gas prices. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Shut up. If a $.25 per gallon increase in gas prices ruins your day, then your problem is not gas prices. Your problem is that you are poor. And stupid. (Only stupid people are poor). Smart people have businesses, like Bulletproof Shirts, and people with businesses aren't poor. Unless stupid people don't buy their stuff. Get to it, peasants.

Just to show you how stupid you are for being poor and complaining about gas prices, I am going to list a few things that are way more over-priced than dead-dino juice.

**WARNING: The following items are grossly overpriced at your local marts, and strip you of your hard-earned dollars. Not recommended for people who are poor and stupid**

1. Water

That's right, good ol' H2O. If you have ever bought a bottle of water, you can't complain about gas prices. Unless you were in the middle of the desert and needed it to live (but you have to be pissed about being ripped off). In the words of Jim Gaffigan,
"Do you guys have water? I know it's free from every tap; I'd like to buy some. Do you have any air? Maybe some garbage?"
Don't laugh. That's not a joke. That's you being exposed. If you buy water, which is usually way more per gallon than gas (unless you get like Albertson's brand in the big, thin, crappy jug) then you can't complain about gas being an extra quarter.

2. Gas.

Gas is so overpric-

wait.....

Damn.

-Eric