Thursday, April 27, 2006

Well, obviously

The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.

Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:

For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?

2. Supersize Me

Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.

3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.

That's all for now.



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