Monday, March 27, 2006

The historically worst inventions in the history of history: Continued

Since I have plenty of hateful insight, here are some more inventions that would have been better used by just infecting them with smallpox and giving them to the indians:

1.) The Necktie

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Next time you see somebody wearing a tie, just stop for a moment and think about what it really is. Ok you say, it's a colorful strip of cloth that hangs from your neck, and.... - And nothing. That's it! I can see more purpose in wearing a cape to work every day. If you insist on dangling a strip of cloth from your neck, you might as well make it red and dress like a giant turkey. Gobble Gobble, you stupid jerk.

2.) Pizza Cutter

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I didn't know this, but the guy that invented the pizza cutter also wrote a book. It was titled: "How to invent something that looks like it would work really well."
The inventor of the wheel is also partially responsible for this abomination. The challenge was simple: Make a device that cuts a pizza in one swift movement. Well, I actually found another invention that cuts pizza as well as the average pizza cutter:

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Teeth and karate chops were made for a reason. Stick with those.

3.) Krishna Food

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There is a motley Hare Krishna caravan that makes it's way onto campus every day to peddle some sort of putrid muck for people to eat. For now I'll ignore that fact that it never contains any animal products, and will instead focus on its crippling, diarrhea-inducing odor. The food I eat doesn't even smell as bad after I crap it back out and blend it with a rotting squid carcass. I don't understand how human beings can even approach this stuff without a yellow plastic suit and a flamethrower, much less stuff gobs of it into their fat mouths. Terrible invention.

4.) Brakes

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The guys who invented airbags, ram-bars, ejection seats, and fire-retardant suits must now feel like they were just wasting their time. Brakes are like Erasers: You only need them if you screw up. So nancy, there's no need for brakes; Just dip, dodge, duck, dive, and dodge. You'll save gas that way too.

Now go out there and invent something worth using. I'm waiting.


Monday, March 20, 2006

The historically worst inventions in the history of history

Making new things is usually cool, especially when they make my life easier. Sometimes though, people make things that just screw everything up. Following are history's worst inventions since sliced bread (I prefer to bite into whole, pristine loaves). Surprisingly, not all of them were invented by women. These are in no specific order of suckiness, I just hate them all:

I. The Wheel

If you think the stagnation of sled, jetpack, catapult, and teleportation technology is a good thing, then by all means, laud the invention of the wheel. The bottom line is, anybody could have come up with this stupid invention. They should have waited until after other, really cool methods of transportation were invented. Like riding dinosaurs. Also, no other single invention until the TV remote has contributed more to laziness. Walk it off!

II. Cell phone cameras

As if there weren't enough pictures of fat, ugly women on the internet. I can't think of a more worthless gimmick to make already crappy cell-phones even more expensive. Oh, I can have a picture of you show up on my phone when you call!? Well guess what turd! I don't want to look at you. That's why I'm talking to you on the phone and not in person. Maybe before putting cameras in cell phones, they should make them do something cooler, like ACTUALLY WORK.

III. Flip Flops

If flip flops were a person, they would be Paris Hilton. Why? They're flat, ugly, stupid, overrated, and I have no idea how they got so popular. There are only several reasons why a person might wear sandals. Allow me to explain:

a. You want people to look at your hideous feet.
b. You are too poor to afford a whole pair of actual shoes
c. You're an asshole
d. You are Jesus (Guess what: you're not)
e. You do whatever everybody else is doing, regardless of how ridiculous it is.

Now go into Payless and tell them you are sick of looking like an asshole. Kill a forest animal and wear the skins on your feet. Go barefoot. I don't care, Just please get rid of the flip flops.

IV. Red Bull
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It doesn't give you wings. It tastes like paint thinner. It costs 2 dollars a can. 'Nuff said. No crappy invention has been so monstrously overpriced since Tickle-me-Elmos. Mountain Dew is infinitely better. Here's an SAT analogy question for you:

1. Mountain Dew : Red Bull

a. Don Frye : Thomas Ramirez
b. USA : Nigeria
c. Ferrari Maranello : Geo Metro
d. BK commercials : Old Navy commercials
c. K2 : Pile of leaves by my door
d. All of the above

If you don't know the answer, go kill yourself.

- more to come. If I feel like it.