Monday, March 27, 2006

The historically worst inventions in the history of history: Continued

Since I have plenty of hateful insight, here are some more inventions that would have been better used by just infecting them with smallpox and giving them to the indians:

1.) The Necktie

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Next time you see somebody wearing a tie, just stop for a moment and think about what it really is. Ok you say, it's a colorful strip of cloth that hangs from your neck, and.... - And nothing. That's it! I can see more purpose in wearing a cape to work every day. If you insist on dangling a strip of cloth from your neck, you might as well make it red and dress like a giant turkey. Gobble Gobble, you stupid jerk.

2.) Pizza Cutter

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I didn't know this, but the guy that invented the pizza cutter also wrote a book. It was titled: "How to invent something that looks like it would work really well."
The inventor of the wheel is also partially responsible for this abomination. The challenge was simple: Make a device that cuts a pizza in one swift movement. Well, I actually found another invention that cuts pizza as well as the average pizza cutter:

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Teeth and karate chops were made for a reason. Stick with those.

3.) Krishna Food

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There is a motley Hare Krishna caravan that makes it's way onto campus every day to peddle some sort of putrid muck for people to eat. For now I'll ignore that fact that it never contains any animal products, and will instead focus on its crippling, diarrhea-inducing odor. The food I eat doesn't even smell as bad after I crap it back out and blend it with a rotting squid carcass. I don't understand how human beings can even approach this stuff without a yellow plastic suit and a flamethrower, much less stuff gobs of it into their fat mouths. Terrible invention.

4.) Brakes

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The guys who invented airbags, ram-bars, ejection seats, and fire-retardant suits must now feel like they were just wasting their time. Brakes are like Erasers: You only need them if you screw up. So nancy, there's no need for brakes; Just dip, dodge, duck, dive, and dodge. You'll save gas that way too.

Now go out there and invent something worth using. I'm waiting.


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