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Monday, June 27, 2005

Poker is for pervs.



During one of the times that I sit around and marvel at how good I am at poker, I discovered something previously unknown to me. Poker is full of some rather lurid terminology (at least when viewed with the same sophomoric crassness that I view everything else). If you laugh every time somebody is named Dick, then you know what I mean.

Here is some poker terminology that raised my eyebrow:

All In: Putting all your chips in the pot. Or putting your...well,,...you get the idea.

Short Stack: The term for the player with the smallest stack of chips; or in the theme of this juvenile post, the smallest penis.

Splashing the Pot: Refer to poop article.

Bluff: Rhymes with buff, as in naked? eh? Yeah, that's weak. Sorry.

Limp In: When players just call the blind instead of raising; Or when grandpa forgets his
viagra.

Suckout: Well, maybe legalized prostitution in Vegas influenced poker terminology.

Bad Beat:
-What they mean when they say it: My flush got beat by a straight flush.
-What I think when I hear it: A spankin' session somehow gone awry.

Pocket Rockets: Well, it means wired aces, but I can't help but think it means a trouser snake, ie, Jimmy the one-eyed wonder weasel.

In the Hole: There's just no way this can sound innocuous. Even worse, it can sometimes be paired with the above for the extremely sordid statement, "He had pocket rockets in the hole".

The Nuts: If you don't get this one, go look it up on the internet.

Big Slick: Well, its better than "Princess Sofia".

Belly Buster: Eating too much Taco Bell.

Flop: The community cards. Or what happens when you find out the girl you are making out with is actually a man.

Big Pair: Ok, it may be hard to explain this one, but it goes something like this: "Hey dude, check out the big pair on her!" (works also with 'top pair').

Position: Poker is a game of people and position. Sort of like a passionate session of love-making.


That's all for now. All this talk has made me want to go rock some poker. And I DO rock it.

-Eric

Saturday, June 25, 2005

By Popular Demand

Due to the large number of concerned citizens who are unable to come up with their own euphemisms for taking a dump, I have evolved my Official Poop Nomenclature Chart into an Official Poop Nomenclature Generator.

In All Its Glory

See, I am very responsive to my consituents. Vote Eric.

-Eric

Monday, June 20, 2005

Indians just aren't cool anymore



Lets face it, Indians just aren't that cool anymore. In the past there may have been something exciting about running around half naked killing bison and scalping people, but they don't even do that anymore. If kids today play 'cowboys and indians', they are more likely to be playing blackjack than shooting a bow and arrows.

-Eric

Don't Phunk With My Grammar

Burgeoning communication and internet technology in recent years has given rise to a new breed of people: The internet idiot. Next time you are having a "convo" with some illiterate husk online, consult my dictionary of internet slang to translate the half-formed bushman gibberish they spout at you. Years of extensive research and field testing have led me to believe that this is nearly 100% correct.

1. Ur - Urethra. May also refer to a urinary tract infection, or blood in the urine.

2. LOL - A modification of the word 'roll', refers to the pendulous folds of blubber cascading from the flabby stomachs of many internet users.

3. wtf - derived from antiquated internet slang of the 1800's, translates roughly to "I'm a pillow biter".

4. ttyl - Abbreviation for the ancient Mexican city Technocticlan. Can also be used to refer to Mexican vacations and donkey shows.

5. thx - George Lucas' first film, thx 1138.

6. cya - Short for cyan, or cyanosis, associated with asphyxiation. It is usually typed when the individual is choking on a Zinger or similar snack foods.

7. brb - Short for 'brumby', the wild roaming horses of Australia. They will trample you.

8. convo - Short for convulsions, used when the typer is having a seizure. Shortened to convo due to the obvious difficulty of typing while seizing.

9. gg - "got gas". can be posed as a statement or question. An evolution of "got milk", but instead of a milk mustache it is evidenced by massive amounts of flatulence, and/or painful cramps. Can also be gtg (got the gas)

10. rofl - referring to 'romping on the floor', it is widely used in homosexual circles and has certain sexual connotations (Mostly in reference to ass-raping).

-Eric

Get off me

Yes, I made the "Official Poop Nomenclature Chart" myself, I didn't just find it on the internet. Like I can't come up with my own poop-chart. Pssh. I scoff.

-Eric

Saturday, June 18, 2005

For the People



Hi, I'm John Morgan of the law offices of Morgan, Colling and Gilbert. If your old people are in a nursing home, they will get raped. Either that, or the nurses will forget to change their bed pans and they will get festering bed sores. Nursing home abuse isn't just something that happens, its something that we hope happens. I mean lets face it, you probably won't get any money out of your gross dying grandmother unless somebody abuses them and you sue. And we don't get any money unless you sue. If you don't put your old people in an abusive nursing home, you're wrong.

Morgan, Colling and gilbert: For US - I mean, the people.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Welcome to the Jungle

If it gets any hotter here, my crotch will burst into flames and cauterize my genitals into one indiscernible lump. Its only in the low 80's, and already I'm sweating like a gerbil in a key west pet shop. I have figured out why they call Gainesville 'The Swamp'. It's not because it's the home of the Gators. It's because it's as hot as Satan's anus, smells twice as bad, and is swarming with flies. People always have a reason to explain the smell of dead grandma, too. Like, "Oh that's just the water treatment plant." As if knowing what it is will quench the fire in my nostrils. Next time people say my apartment smells, I'm just going to say, "Oh that's just the big pile of shit I left behind the couch."
I don't understand people lying around outside in the grass, having a jolly old time, when I have to make several pitstops just to make it to class (I don't want the toast in my pocket to burn) and then use a spatula to get my backpack off. When you realize that little spot on your shirt is the area not covered in sweat, something is wrong.
But as the saying goes, "If you don't like the weather in Florida, wait five minutes and it will change." ....From 85 Degrees to 90.

-Eric

Monday, June 13, 2005

Some Things Just Need To Be Said. (This isn't one of them)

I think its been a while since I touched on this topic, so I think I should talk about it. Its a subject that I have found I know a lot about, and I feel I should share it with the hapless masses. The subject?

Poop.

It's a part of our everyday lives. Unless you don't eat enough fruit like me, then it's a part of our every-other-day lives. I know of nothing else that can at the same time fill me with such conflicting emotions: Pain and relief, hope and foreboding. In a way, taking a dump is like soliciting a prostitute: Nobody talks about it, but everybody does it. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else....It is however, much like school. How you ask? How indeed....

Taking a dump is like going to school, because:

* Everyone has to do it, but some people take longer and struggle more.
* When you are done, its a huge relief.
* It really sucks if you have to get up early to get it done.
* If you talk about it too much people will get annoyed.
* If you keep looking at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.
* Some people brag about it.
* Skipping just means you'll have to do more work later.
* The seats are uncomfortable.
* At times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
* If you miss too many sessions you'll start to get really worried.
* Your parents are proud when you do it. (This only applies to those of you not over 2 years old....Hopefully.)
* When you are really struggling, it can feel hopeless.
* You have to devote time and money.
* You need lots of books.

Some people have mastered the art of the 5 minute deuce. Something I hope to one day achieve. Right now I need the full half hour and plenty of reading materials. Its already like trying to drive a UPS truck through a doorway; there's no reason to do it at 90 miles an hour.
There is a passage in the Bible about it: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for Eric to pass a bowel movement."

I leave you with a chart to help you with the next time you have to think of a euphemism for number 2:

Official Poop Nomenclature Chart
-Pick a term from each category and prepare to offend-

(Click To Enlarge)


-Eric

Dance Commander

I am probably the worst dancer ever.

Nobody is a worse dancer than me. Nobody. If you told me to dance right now, I wouldn't even know where to start. I once saw a crippled drooling guy in a wheelchair, and I thought maybe he would be worse than me, but he started having a seizure and proved me wrong. If I tried to dance, it would look like somebody who was rolling down a steep, lumpy hill while simultaneously being attacked by a swarm of bees and electrocuted. I'll leave the dancing to the professionals. And by 'professionals', I mean black people.

-Eric

Friday, June 10, 2005

NOBODY CARES

After I finished my last post, something possessed me to browse through other peoples' pages on this site. It was the worst idea ever. To give you a hint as to how horrific an experience it was, 95% of the pages started with "OMG, today was sooooo boring! Nothing happened!". And then...they proceed to tell you everything that didn't happen, in agonizing detail. If the day was that boring even to such beast-headed individuals as they, what in all of God's green goodness would lead them to believe that anyone else would give a flying canker-sore? And I can never have those minutes of my life back. Ridiculous.

I need a shower.

-Eric

My email's penis is bigger than yours

If I answered every junk email I received, my penis would be 4 feet long. Cialis, viagra, longitude, extenz, enzyte, whatever. You could read 100 gay magazines and not have to see the word penis as many times as I do every time I check my email. The spam powers that be must have it in their heads that I have the world's smallest johnson. I've gained half an inch just from reading all those emails.

-Eric

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Just who do they think they are?!

I didn't think I could hate Disney any more than I already did. But now they have committed the most egregious misuse of modern technology that I have ever had the misfortune to know about. Technology is meant for good. For GOOD!!

Where is the good here?

-Eric

Fast Food Giants

Recently I saw a Burger King sign boasting "our new enormous omelet". As any neerdowell such as I would Immediately notice, a few simple changes could result in the following offensive marketing scheme:


Is it just me, or does the "Buses Welcome" sign make it even funnier?

-Eric

Don't call me a sissy or I'll hit you with my purse!

I recently saw an ad for a website selling "Badass hoodies". For those of you with the unfortunate destiny to be surrounded by actual adults, a "hoodie" is what pod-pulling sissies call a hooded sweatshirt. First of all, anyone who would call it a hoodie has seriously called their status as a badass into question. After they grab their badass hoodies they can go put on their badass pantsies and shoesies and then be on their way. That is if they can stop sucking their thumbs long enough to grab their badass blankies.

you people make me sick.

-Eric