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Monday, June 13, 2005

Some Things Just Need To Be Said. (This isn't one of them)

I think its been a while since I touched on this topic, so I think I should talk about it. Its a subject that I have found I know a lot about, and I feel I should share it with the hapless masses. The subject?

Poop.

It's a part of our everyday lives. Unless you don't eat enough fruit like me, then it's a part of our every-other-day lives. I know of nothing else that can at the same time fill me with such conflicting emotions: Pain and relief, hope and foreboding. In a way, taking a dump is like soliciting a prostitute: Nobody talks about it, but everybody does it. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else....It is however, much like school. How you ask? How indeed....

Taking a dump is like going to school, because:

* Everyone has to do it, but some people take longer and struggle more.
* When you are done, its a huge relief.
* It really sucks if you have to get up early to get it done.
* If you talk about it too much people will get annoyed.
* If you keep looking at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.
* Some people brag about it.
* Skipping just means you'll have to do more work later.
* The seats are uncomfortable.
* At times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
* If you miss too many sessions you'll start to get really worried.
* Your parents are proud when you do it. (This only applies to those of you not over 2 years old....Hopefully.)
* When you are really struggling, it can feel hopeless.
* You have to devote time and money.
* You need lots of books.

Some people have mastered the art of the 5 minute deuce. Something I hope to one day achieve. Right now I need the full half hour and plenty of reading materials. Its already like trying to drive a UPS truck through a doorway; there's no reason to do it at 90 miles an hour.
There is a passage in the Bible about it: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for Eric to pass a bowel movement."

I leave you with a chart to help you with the next time you have to think of a euphemism for number 2:

Official Poop Nomenclature Chart
-Pick a term from each category and prepare to offend-

(Click To Enlarge)


-Eric

2 comments:

General CHA0S said...

I figured my first comment should be from the best person in the world. So, keep it up dude.

-Eric

Toni Juliano said...

Everyone knows it's the SECOND comment that's gotta be from the best person in the world. Way to fail, Eric. Gosh.