Monday, June 13, 2005

Some Things Just Need To Be Said. (This isn't one of them)

I think its been a while since I touched on this topic, so I think I should talk about it. Its a subject that I have found I know a lot about, and I feel I should share it with the hapless masses. The subject?


It's a part of our everyday lives. Unless you don't eat enough fruit like me, then it's a part of our every-other-day lives. I know of nothing else that can at the same time fill me with such conflicting emotions: Pain and relief, hope and foreboding. In a way, taking a dump is like soliciting a prostitute: Nobody talks about it, but everybody does it. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else....It is however, much like school. How you ask? How indeed....

Taking a dump is like going to school, because:

* Everyone has to do it, but some people take longer and struggle more.
* When you are done, its a huge relief.
* It really sucks if you have to get up early to get it done.
* If you talk about it too much people will get annoyed.
* If you keep looking at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.
* Some people brag about it.
* Skipping just means you'll have to do more work later.
* The seats are uncomfortable.
* At times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
* If you miss too many sessions you'll start to get really worried.
* Your parents are proud when you do it. (This only applies to those of you not over 2 years old....Hopefully.)
* When you are really struggling, it can feel hopeless.
* You have to devote time and money.
* You need lots of books.

Some people have mastered the art of the 5 minute deuce. Something I hope to one day achieve. Right now I need the full half hour and plenty of reading materials. Its already like trying to drive a UPS truck through a doorway; there's no reason to do it at 90 miles an hour.
There is a passage in the Bible about it: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for Eric to pass a bowel movement."

I leave you with a chart to help you with the next time you have to think of a euphemism for number 2:

Official Poop Nomenclature Chart
-Pick a term from each category and prepare to offend-

(Click To Enlarge)



General CHA0S said...

I figured my first comment should be from the best person in the world. So, keep it up dude.


Toni Juliano said...

Everyone knows it's the SECOND comment that's gotta be from the best person in the world. Way to fail, Eric. Gosh.