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Monday, October 31, 2005

The Nutty Professors

College professors are among the most ridiculously retarded people on the planet. Despite having spent years of their life and thousands of their dollars supposedly "learning" all sorts of information (taught to them by their own stupid professors) They have no grasp of how the world really works. With an aloof detatchment resembling Marie Antoinette's "Let them eat cake", they view themselves as being on a puffy cloud of intellectual enlightenment, from which they can see everything objectively. However, as anyone who has spent more than a few minutes in a college classroom knows , they are rarely enlightened, and never objective. Oh yeah, and they are fat, old and ugly too. Zing!

Today one of my professors offered up the ridiculous analogy (while attempting to convince us of some equally ridiculous "facts") that all cars are the same. He said that if you want you can pay more, but you are really getting the same thing. Aside from being a terrible analogy (I may be biased, as I happen to create extremely poignant, hard-hitting and relevant analogies), it is just really, really wrong. I had the urge to tell him that if cars are all so similar, I would gladly trade cars with him. Hell, I would pay him a few hundred dollars to trade. And I don't even know what he drives. Probably a bicycle. Dirty Hippie. I declined to comment though, as I have been doing recently, and I just stared and gave him my best John Ritter impersonation.

As gratifying as it is to spit some nuggets of truth at these fools and watch them unravel, I have come to grips with the fact that speaking the righteous truth in class is the same as vomiting everywhere - It feels great to get it out, but then you've just got a big mess to clean up.


(Told you I was the analogy master.)


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-Eric

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Walk it off

So you want to exercise? Do something to get the ol' heart rate up? Well you can swim, bike, run, kickbox, stair-climb, jumprope, or.....

Walk?


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Thats right folks. Some people are so fat and out of shape that even the slowest possible method of moving yourself feels like a workout. You would think that these fat bastards walk to the fridge so much that if walking actually helped they would have it covered. When you point out how miserably lame walking is, they whine "yeah but I like walking, its easier." !? Of course its easier! It's just walking! There's almost nothing easier! The point of exercise is to do something slightly difficult so you get better. Do these people carry around oxygen tanks for when they have to do things slightly more strenuous, like fold laundry or open a book? What are these weaklings going to do if they ever have to run away from anything? The way they move the only thing they could escape from would be a distracted sloth. When I see somebody walking for exercise, I burn more calories laughing at them than they burn walking. ( And I sure as hell save a lot more time)

Laughing - 40 calories
Walking - 26 calories

This makes walking for exercise, offically WEAK SAUCE.


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-Eric

Sunday, October 16, 2005

I'll show you good for the enviroment

Have you ever had to utilize one of these because some nancy loves trees?:

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Well every time I am forced to use one of these bastard sons of science and enviroment friendly philosophy, my hands are still dripping when I kill an innocent tree. That's right, every time I have to use one of these a tree dies. End the carnage. Supply paper towels.

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-Eric

Monday, October 10, 2005

Gayer Than Gandalf

Are you a twenty-something college student whose repressed homosexuality has left you feeling depressed? Tired of everybody not knowing the real you? Well, there's a sure-fire way to come out of that closet. Move from the back-alley gay prositutes and AIDS scares to popular mainstream homosexuality in one easy step: Admit how much you like Harry Potter.

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Seriously people. Little boys? Wizards? Dwarfs? Sounds like a recipe for an upsetting porno. Has everybody gotten that bad? I mean, I can't expect everybody to be as awesome as me but really, this is just shameful. College students shouldn't be into the same movies as their 9 year old siblings. The problem is that they read at the same level. And along comes a book for the 4th grade reading level that is (somehow) socially acceptable reading for 21 year old people, and isn't just pictures of triangles and squares. For those of you who feel that loving Harry Potter isn't doing enough to prove just how much of a gaymo you are, grab your sippy cups and your footy pajamas because gay and lesbian pride week is just around the corner.

-Eric

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

VOTE OR DIE!!

Vote for my friend Jimmie's band. Its like a battle of the bands kind of thing, but the prize isn't as cool. They just want the publicity. They are down to the last 3 finalists.

VOTE OR DIE, BITCHES!!!

http://www.hanson.net/OpeningBandVote/datedisplay.aspx?d=lakebuenavista

I command you to vote even if you have never heard of them or, hate them, or love them. DO IT NOW. If you want to know more about them, check "The rockingest band ever" under links to the right.


-Eric