Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Winter is totally gay

(Not that kind of gay)

When I was a kid I used to think it would be super cool to live in a frozen wasteland where nobody else was badass enough to tread, killing polar bears with knife-spears and traversing glaciers with souped-up snowmobiles.

But now I am much wiser in the ways of the world, and I know that would totally suck. When you have to take preventative measures just to make sure your ass doesn't adhere to a toilet seat, you are not going to be having much fun the rest of the day either. Or 5 seconds later, when your rock-hard popsicle-turd splashes 40 degree water on your cornhole.

But even here in Florida, winter is pretty gay, and it's not even cold.

Women use winter as a bizarre excuse to stop shaving their legs.

"Oh it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs any more tee hee".

That makes about as much sense as saying "Oh it's winter, I can stop showering now. Nobody will be able to smell me because I have this big coat on."

"Winter is here everybody, no reason to keep brushing your teeth or combing your hair!"

"I'm so glad winter is here, now I can just take dust baths instead of using water and cleaning products."


        Literally the only good thing about winter is that I don't have to mow my lawn. I can just let it die like nature intended and have total plausible deniability.

-Double E

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

HOLY SHIT - 116yr-old person dies

    A few weeks ago I ate an entire package of celery in one sitting just to see if I could. Spoiler: I could. Was this intriguing endeavor featured in the news? No, and neither was the fact that 2 hours later I shat out pure compost that smelled so rich and bucolic that I wanted to just sit in a rocking chair and sip moonshine whilst peppering local kids with birdshot for straying too close to my property line.

So what stories of international significance so gripped the world that these truly newsworthy happenings would be (if not for this bastion of truth) swept under the proverbial rug, lost to posterity forever?

"Woman, 116, listed as 'world's oldest' dies in Ga."


        This is news? When you are 116 years old dying is the only thing you can do by yourself. It would make more sense to have a new headline every day somebody this old DOESN'T die. Look at that picture; I can't even tell if it was taken before or after she died. I have the entire internet to get through, I can't be bogged down with 'news' like this.

More newsworthy stories would have been:

- World's oldest person uses internet
- World's oldest person rips out burglar's still-beating heart with bare hands
- World's oldest person gets free t-shirt after eating 100 hot wings
- World's oldest person finds world's oldest toilet paper stuck to their shoe
- World's oldest person shouts "They are already among us!" and immediately explodes into cloud of vapor

 - Double E