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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Live stronger

Unless you are an Iraqi insurgent who has been living in a cave for the past few years, you have probably seen a bunch of people wearing these:

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You are not lance Armstrong. Tenuously linking yourself to him by wearing his gay little bracelet does not make you cool, or in better shape. So before you decide to proudly show the world that you selflessly donated an entire American dollar to cancer research, stop trying to make a fashion statement, and get rid of the rubber band. If you are really interested in donating money to cancer research, here ya go. At least they will get the whole dollar.

-Eric

Monday, November 28, 2005

Y2 GAY

What ever happened to Y2k, anyways?




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You know, end of the millenium? Computers thinking 1900 instead of 2000? Any bells? It was supposed to be a time of glorious disaster and social meltdown. A time of MRE's and Bottled water. A time of finally getting to use all the MRE's and bottled water. All the months of waiting and hoping, and I didn't even get to shoot one crazed, unprepared looter in the face. I didn't even get brownouts or spotty electricity for a few days. There were supposed to be roving bands of leather-clad bandits killing people for liquor within the week. And then I could kill them in a souped-up car.



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But, no. Nothing. It was supposed to be my big chance to show I wasn't crazy for hoarding weapons, food and other cool stuff, and then to re-prove that I am crazy by slaughtering hapless, unprepared looters. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want total infrastructural meltdown, just 2 or 3 weeks of disrupted food/water/electricity/traffic laws. You know, to really separate the men from the boys. I don't think that's too much to ask.


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For the time being I'll just have to settle for knowing that I'm better than everybody else. Ahh,the warmth of self-recognition. True comfort.


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-Eric

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Friends AND Food? Hmmm....

Recently PETA launched a new campaign aimed at convincing kids that if their dad fishes, he's murdering fish.
The handout, titled "Your Daddy Kills Animals," features a grinning lunatic gutting a fish, and warns kids to keep their puppies and kittens away from Dad because he's "hooked on killing."

At least the fishermen eat them after they kill them.

Hmm puppies and kittens instead of fish....Well, they would be much easier to catch...why didn't we think of this before?! Thanks PETA!

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-Eric

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Watch and Learn

If you watch enough tv, you will eventually see one of those lame commercials trying to get kids not to use drugs. The problem is, they do it in the most gay and ineffective way possible: By trying to convince them that not using drugs is cool. Now, obviously any kid stupid enough to obey the promptings of a cheesy 30 second tv commercial is easily swayed, to say the least. It is thus natural to assume that anyone who can be convinced that easily that anything is cool/uncool will soon permanently embarrass themselves and their family by dying doing something ridiculous. I watch videos of these types of kids dying all the time. It's one of life's simple pleasures.

The best way to learn to avoid drugs is for other people to get their shit ruined. And then watch it. Repeatedly. In slow motion. And even if that doesn't convince anybody, it's still fun.


Skateboard: 100 $

Double-digit IQ: 9 months worth of beer for mom - 500 $

Finding tall staircase, wall, or crevasse: 2 hours that could be spent working at Mcd's - Opportunity cost of 12 $

Just enough drugs to make stupid people even more stupid: 50 $

Fatality: Priceless



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- Eric

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Conundrum

If a man falls in the forest and breaks his leg, but no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

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I submit that he does.

-Eric

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Help the poor

Everybody is always talking about how we should help the poor, so here's your chance:











Do it or you'll go to hell.

-Eric

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Advertising for Dummies

While I was rummaging through the fridge for a tasty beverage (AKA Mountain Dew), I happened to glance at the packaging of the huge 36 pack of Dew (Recognize). The outside of the box proudly announced "36: 50% more than a 24 pack". It seems to me that someone who couldn't instantly do that calculation in their head is unlikely to know what a percentage even is, and that's if they can read the box. I imagine the epiphany going something like this:

Extreme Dew Drinker #1: Wow! a 36 pack! That's like 48.7% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: Booyah! lets get one - Wait a sec, it says its 50% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #1: But- but how!? (reeling and lightheaded) But that would mean- (pulls out calculator)....Most righteous! It IS 50% more!!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: In that case, I'll take two!



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-Eric