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Sunday, September 14, 2008

That's the Ticket

Lots of people have been commenting on the fact that McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate was both a surprising and potentially risky choice. Since I am smarter then everyone, I will tell you the truth: It was neither bold nor risky. Unless you were stupid you knew he would choose a younger candidate who was either black or a woman. Maybe both.

Since all politicians are horrible people with contrived personalities and thinly veiled agendas, I am going to do the world a favor and run for president. You're Welcome. And now I will show you what a truly bold and surprising VP pick is:

My running mate for the 2008 presidential election is......









The Fake Bigfoot Body:



Fake Bigfoot Body should bring in some of the minority vote, since he is a minority (how many fake bigfoot bodies are there?). He should get a fair percentage of the woman vote too, since he is a big furry animal. He just needs to tuck away those fake intestines or whatever they are. His stoic rubber gaze and lack of a brain makes it impossible to rattle him in a debate. his pliant handshake and warm furry embrace is sure to entice some swing voters as well, and independents will welcome the new face to the political scene.

Fake bigfoot body has been criticized for lack of political experience, but he is the best at doing what we wish all politicians would do: Nothing. Nobody can do nothing like Fake Bigfoot Body.

Do what's best for the country: Vote Double E - Fake Bigfoot Body.












-Double E

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Large and in charge - Vanity sizing sweeps the nation

For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".

Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.

Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:

From this day forward,


Mens sizes:

Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"


Women Sizes:

Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect





-Double E

Sunday, August 03, 2008

The historically worst inventions in the history of History - Teil Drei

Not all inventions make the world a better place. Evidence:


1. Cooking

Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.

Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.

Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.

Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.




2. Electric cars





-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.




3. The little holes in spatulas

At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.













>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1

>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2


More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).



-Double E

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Breaking News - Woman unhappy






Katie Couric recently stated that sexism in America is more common than racism,and that she and Hillary Clinton are both victims. Feelings about the statement were mixed, and responses from fellow news anchors and others present included:

"Shutup and fix me a sammich."
- Co-anchor



"If you like Hillary so much why don't you marry her?"
- Camera Guy



"Tits or GTFO"
- Also the Camera guy



"Bitches be crazy."
- An observant man present at the scene



" (murmur of approval)"
- All other men present



"You're right Mrs Couric."
- Some broad



"No, racism is worse."
- Some black guy



"Sucks to be me either way."
- Some black broad



"Seriously, where's my sammich? "
- Co-anchor






-Double E

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Awesome Title

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.

1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).

2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.

The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:


Gilgamesh

Fetus, son of ______(your name)

Funkatronic

Eric (Taken)

Laser

Swammee

Schmelvis pooply


There. Now you don't have to buy a book.



- Double E

Friday, July 04, 2008

BUY BUY BUY





I got this moving dolly to move the vast amounts of crap I have acquired over the years. I only used it once, and now I don't need it anymore. Being a poor person, it goes against my nature to get rid of it without making any money, so I am selling it.

This fascinating device uses the power of physics (and wheels) to allow even weaklings like you to move big things so you don't have to bother your friends to help you move. Also good if you don't have any friends.


Features:
- 600 pound capacity: That's like Rosie Odonnell minus a few hundred pounds. You can carry desks, dressers, heavy boxes, beer kegs, whatever.

-Big Wheels: These are actual air-filled tires, not solid-plastic crap wheel like you may find on other people's dollies. This means you get unparalleled coushion, and the ability to run over smaller, lesser dollies. Even allows it to easily go up and down stairs, if you can handle it.

-Red color: Shiny red color makes it appear you are moving much faster than you actually are, which has to be good. Also catches people's eye so they are sure to notice you heroically moving very large items. Don't forget to sneer haughtily at people who have boring grey or blue dollies.

-Price: Cheaper than a new one, but works just as well. You'll need the dolly to move all the liquor you can buy with the money you saved