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Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Breaking News - Woman unhappy






Katie Couric recently stated that sexism in America is more common than racism,and that she and Hillary Clinton are both victims. Feelings about the statement were mixed, and responses from fellow news anchors and others present included:

"Shutup and fix me a sammich."
- Co-anchor



"If you like Hillary so much why don't you marry her?"
- Camera Guy



"Tits or GTFO"
- Also the Camera guy



"Bitches be crazy."
- An observant man present at the scene



" (murmur of approval)"
- All other men present



"You're right Mrs Couric."
- Some broad



"No, racism is worse."
- Some black guy



"Sucks to be me either way."
- Some black broad



"Seriously, where's my sammich? "
- Co-anchor






-Double E

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Awesome Title

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.

1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).

2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.

The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:


Gilgamesh

Fetus, son of ______(your name)

Funkatronic

Eric (Taken)

Laser

Swammee

Schmelvis pooply


There. Now you don't have to buy a book.



- Double E

Friday, July 04, 2008

BUY BUY BUY





I got this moving dolly to move the vast amounts of crap I have acquired over the years. I only used it once, and now I don't need it anymore. Being a poor person, it goes against my nature to get rid of it without making any money, so I am selling it.

This fascinating device uses the power of physics (and wheels) to allow even weaklings like you to move big things so you don't have to bother your friends to help you move. Also good if you don't have any friends.


Features:
- 600 pound capacity: That's like Rosie Odonnell minus a few hundred pounds. You can carry desks, dressers, heavy boxes, beer kegs, whatever.

-Big Wheels: These are actual air-filled tires, not solid-plastic crap wheel like you may find on other people's dollies. This means you get unparalleled coushion, and the ability to run over smaller, lesser dollies. Even allows it to easily go up and down stairs, if you can handle it.

-Red color: Shiny red color makes it appear you are moving much faster than you actually are, which has to be good. Also catches people's eye so they are sure to notice you heroically moving very large items. Don't forget to sneer haughtily at people who have boring grey or blue dollies.

-Price: Cheaper than a new one, but works just as well. You'll need the dolly to move all the liquor you can buy with the money you saved