Friday, May 14, 2010

The Swipe - A guide for the modern man

Look familiar?

When faced with the inevitable task of the swipe, most zombie-brained proletariat just revert to the status quo. People just robotically grab a roll of a few layers of toilet paper like pictured above, without putting any thought into the veritable cornucopia of wiping techniques available to the savvy swiper. Below are some of the options available to you, if you are ready:


AKA: leon(the professional)

This is a high-end swipe for the most discerning of derrieres. Not to be wasted upon the shit-smeared ass of a drunken bum, or the haphazard wiping of a rushed 14 year old hurrying to get back to his video games. This carefully constructed cleanser of cracks is the Rolex of the wiping world. While its compact format makes it not the optimum choice for removing the aftermath of a gut-busting fast-food meal, its unparalleled performance and comfort makes it no wonder why it is the go-to TP configuration of the business class.


AKA: The Mummy, The Unholy Roller, The 360,

This particular technique is a well-known for its exceptional coverage and protection. A quick and easy set-up and ambidextrous deployment are all the more reason to give this one a try. Well-suited for the messier situations. Where collateral spray and excessive ass-sweat would cause other techniques to fail, the MUM-RA forges onward, easily protecting your hand from fecal matter and stray dingleberries.


AKA: The Blue-Collar Bushwacker, The Joe schmo

A staple swipe for many decades, the 'Layman' has found its home amongst the less-sophisticated masses. What it lacks in style and sophistication it makes up for in ease of use. From on the roll to on the hole, the Layman has one of the fastest deployment times of any swipe out there. Whether it's half time, tee time, or lunch time, this is the swipe to know for the man on the go.


AKA: The Cheryl Crow, The Coup De Grace

A wise man once said, "If you don't use enough TP you will get shit all over your hands."
I said that, just now. While never purposefully employed by a sane individual with any concern for crotch cleanliness, this swipe of last resort is sometimes unwillingly foisted upon us in moments of desperation. Don't allow a misguided sense of environmentalism to persuade you to permit this paucity of paper, as it can result in some undesirable klingons, and soiled undergarments. Use with caution. Consider using in conjunction with "The Plan B"

The Dim Mak

AKA: The Daniel San, The Tong Po, Poophole Punchout, The Master Blaster

When force is required, there is only one place to turn: the Dim Mak. bricks don't hit back, unless you are shitting them, and that is where this power-swipe comes into play. Designed for stubborn clingers, there are few turds this punch can't pulverize. Wax on, wipe off with this serious swipe, and then follow up with a mum-ra for extra clean and peace of mind.


AKA: The Toxic Avenger, The Violater, The Hellraiser

Never purposefully employed, this TP faux pas sneaks up on you when you least expect it. A common side effect of weaker swipes like the "Spartan" or a poorly deployed 'Continental', this rip can also result from cheap TP or an extra forceful wipe. The unexpected "Oopsie Daisy" can lead to an unpleasant poophole probing and one downright stinky finger. Immediately reboot with a quick "layman" and a thorough hand washing.


AKA: The Dipstick, The Dr Doom, The Tootsie Roll, Goose,

This deep diving technique is not for the faint of heart or tight of sphincter. This powerful probe will shock your mind and cleanse your colon. Use with caution and discretion. There are many things that can go wrong with this experimental swipe, like stray TP being left behind. There is also the chance you will hate it very much, or worse, like it. Can you live with that? You were warned.


AKA: Unknown

Never designed for its effective cleansing, this unmentionable technique has but one sordid purpose: Filling your enemy's mouth with feces. When a time for subtlety has long passed, and unrepentant revenge is the only dish on the menu, serve it cold with this calculated crime. Assail his mind and body with this unholy assault, but don't forget to finish up with a real wipe.


AKA: Satan's Swipe, The Grave Digger, The Cro Magnon

A vestige of a time long past when poop was more likely to be flung at an antagonist than flushed down a pipe, the 'Infidel" even still refuses to die. A horrible secret of third-world shitholes (no pun intended) and drug addled bums, this demonic dung-remover is a positively horrifying option. When desperate times call for touching your poopy asshole with a bare hand, you may want to consider just what the hell you are doing with your life. Consider 'The Plan B" before passing the point of no return.


AKA: The Rough Rider, Last Call, Shopping day

When the going gets rough, so does your toilet paper. Although a far cry from the extremes of the "Infidel" this is not a technique for the sensitive of sphincter. A miscalculation in when to do your shopping can result in a panicked look around the bathroom for anything remotely resembling TP. That's when you will find the true value of the written word. After the first painful swipe you may be tempted to abort; this will only leave you with a poopy butt which will get itchy and turn red like a baboon's. It's not worth it, just face the pain and remember to do your shopping. Also, you may want to let the thick pages soak for a while or everybody will wonder why the toilet is overflowing with paper bags and Oprah's book club.

Now you are fully equipped to survive and thrive with aplomb in the harsh environment of the stuffy bathroom. While mere mortals will be relegated to mediocrity and skidmarks, you will be on a higher level. Remember, only warriors get to choose to have improperly wiped butts; everyone else has it forced upon them.

-Double E