For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".
Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.
Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:
From this day forward,
Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"
Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect