Sunday, August 24, 2008

Large and in charge - Vanity sizing sweeps the nation

For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".

Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.

Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:

From this day forward,

Mens sizes:

Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"

Women Sizes:

Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect

-Double E


lot 2 learn said...

Put me down for a grizzly please

RBV said...

I already know that I'm perfect, I don't need my clothes to reflect it...but...hmmm...the daily re-affirmation doesn't hurt.

betty said...

Oh that's why I thought I lost weight...

ReformingGeek said...

I like Perfect!

Mr. B said...

Correction - Women

small - vain yes however could do better
medium - extremely fat and unhappy about myself. Everything is all your fault and if you say I look good I will shove it down your throat and say you don't love me anymore???
large - I am going to fuck your life up if you open your mouth....
x large - its in my genes, I cant help it, Ive got a water retention problem and my bones are big, it is impossible to lose weight, please pass me the kentucky fried chicken?
xx large - go girl, I am happy with who I am and I dont care what you think, basically I know Ive got no chance of losing this blubber, so whens the next course coming. lets do a porno video to celebrate my arrival on the morbidly obese scene!!!!