Wednesday, December 05, 2012

HOLY SHIT - 116yr-old person dies

    A few weeks ago I ate an entire package of celery in one sitting just to see if I could. Spoiler: I could. Was this intriguing endeavor featured in the news? No, and neither was the fact that 2 hours later I shat out pure compost that smelled so rich and bucolic that I wanted to just sit in a rocking chair and sip moonshine whilst peppering local kids with birdshot for straying too close to my property line.

So what stories of international significance so gripped the world that these truly newsworthy happenings would be (if not for this bastion of truth) swept under the proverbial rug, lost to posterity forever?

"Woman, 116, listed as 'world's oldest' dies in Ga."

        This is news? When you are 116 years old dying is the only thing you can do by yourself. It would make more sense to have a new headline every day somebody this old DOESN'T die. Look at that picture; I can't even tell if it was taken before or after she died. I have the entire internet to get through, I can't be bogged down with 'news' like this.

More newsworthy stories would have been:

- World's oldest person uses internet
- World's oldest person rips out burglar's still-beating heart with bare hands
- World's oldest person gets free t-shirt after eating 100 hot wings
- World's oldest person finds world's oldest toilet paper stuck to their shoe
- World's oldest person shouts "They are already among us!" and immediately explodes into cloud of vapor

 - Double E

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