Thursday, January 14, 2010

So let it be written, so let it be done

Everybody knows that rules and laws are stupid, and I have a glorious history of ignoring absurd ones. But the rest of the people on this planet are not nearly as awesome as I am, and so there is all sorts of shit they are doing that they just need to stop. Mostly because it bothers me, which means it's wrong.

So when I take my rightful place as Grand Pompous Overlord of the planet, there are a few rules I am going to institute:



I. No drinking soup out of a thermos
I have no explanation for this one, but it creeps me out and it needs to stop.



II. Grocery stores need to get their shit together and stop insulting me

1. No lame sale announcements. I was in Publix and saw a sign above one of their lame products that said "surprisingly low price!". Bitch, you tell me what the price is, and I'll let you know if I'm surprised.

2. No green bags. These stores will need to get rid of the retarded "green" grocery bags that people use to feel like they are saving the environment, then stuff with 40lbs of hohos and ding dongs and lunchables whose combined packaging material could choke a flock of seagulls. And I mean the band, not the birds (the birds seem to choke rather easily on plastic so it's not that impressive of an analogy).
Right now in India, some kid is riding a motorized rickshaw that blasts as much smog as an iron smelting factory, and people are worried about a special bag to hold their Greenwise yogurt and sprouts.


3. Every store should have candy and cakes at the end of an obstacle course so the fatties either choose not to buy it, get exercise, or die.

4. Carts will be tracked vehicles with a dump-truck bed, and controlled with two sticks like big lawnmowers and bumper cars. (the tracks give you a zero-turning radius, eliminate that one shaky wheel carts always have, and let you run over stray soup cans and babies who fall out of their carts)

5. Women are only allowed to shop in workout clothes or pajamas. (This may already be a law)

6. They must take any coupons I give them. Even if they are expired, for the wrong product, or I drew them on the back of a placemat with a crayon.

7. Approx 1 of 34 food cans will have a one of those big fake spring-snakes in it. Or a dead bird.



I'm tired I will come up with more rules for you mortals to follow later.






- Double E

1 comment:

Cupcake said...

That's fucking awesome!