For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".
Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.
Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:
From this day forward,
Mens sizes:
Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"
Women Sizes:
Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect
-Double E
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Sunday, August 03, 2008
The historically worst inventions in the history of History - Teil Drei
Not all inventions make the world a better place. Evidence:
1. Cooking
Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.
Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.
Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.
Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.
2. Electric cars
-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.
3. The little holes in spatulas
At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.
>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1
>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2
More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).
-Double E
1. Cooking
Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.
Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.
Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.
Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.
2. Electric cars
-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.
3. The little holes in spatulas
At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.
>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1
>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2
More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).
-Double E
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Breaking News - Woman unhappy
Katie Couric recently stated that sexism in America is more common than racism,and that she and Hillary Clinton are both victims. Feelings about the statement were mixed, and responses from fellow news anchors and others present included:
"Shutup and fix me a sammich."
- Co-anchor
"If you like Hillary so much why don't you marry her?"
- Camera Guy
"Tits or GTFO"
- Also the Camera guy
"Bitches be crazy."
- An observant man present at the scene
" (murmur of approval)"
- All other men present
"You're right Mrs Couric."
- Some broad
"No, racism is worse."
- Some black guy
"Sucks to be me either way."
- Some black broad
"Seriously, where's my sammich? "
- Co-anchor
-Double E
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Awesome Title
If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.
1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).
2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.
The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:
Gilgamesh
Fetus, son of ______(your name)
Funkatronic
Eric (Taken)
Laser
Swammee
Schmelvis pooply
There. Now you don't have to buy a book.
- Double E
1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).
2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.
The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:
Gilgamesh
Fetus, son of ______(your name)
Funkatronic
Eric (Taken)
Laser
Swammee
Schmelvis pooply
There. Now you don't have to buy a book.
- Double E
Friday, July 04, 2008
BUY BUY BUY
I got this moving dolly to move the vast amounts of crap I have acquired over the years. I only used it once, and now I don't need it anymore. Being a poor person, it goes against my nature to get rid of it without making any money, so I am selling it.
This fascinating device uses the power of physics (and wheels) to allow even weaklings like you to move big things so you don't have to bother your friends to help you move. Also good if you don't have any friends.
Features:
- 600 pound capacity: That's like Rosie Odonnell minus a few hundred pounds. You can carry desks, dressers, heavy boxes, beer kegs, whatever.
-Big Wheels: These are actual air-filled tires, not solid-plastic crap wheel like you may find on other people's dollies. This means you get unparalleled coushion, and the ability to run over smaller, lesser dollies. Even allows it to easily go up and down stairs, if you can handle it.
-Red color: Shiny red color makes it appear you are moving much faster than you actually are, which has to be good. Also catches people's eye so they are sure to notice you heroically moving very large items. Don't forget to sneer haughtily at people who have boring grey or blue dollies.
-Price: Cheaper than a new one, but works just as well. You'll need the dolly to move all the liquor you can buy with the money you saved
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Truth for your Brain
These are some questions that have plagued weak minds for many moons. Today I will use my considerable intellect to answer them for the unenlightened ruck that presently inhabits our planet.
Prepare yourself for truth:
Question 1. Can you cry under water?
Actually, no. If you try to cry underwater, the water goes IN your tear ducts instead of out, and causes you to become hydro-cephalic and die. This is why people die during shark attacks. If you can get through the attack without crying, sharks can't hurt you. It's also why you never hear of people dying of shark attacks on land.
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?
In a perfect world, all killings would be assassinations. 'Murderers' is just what we call people who are too stupid to get paid to kill.
3. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
When Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden of Eden, God said "From this day forth, man is cursed, and every time he makes a sandwich, he will get a few bites of nothing but bread, on the corners, because the bread shalt be roughly rectangular in shape, whereas the meat will usually be round."
4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
It's the 'free thought tax' instituted by congress.
5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?
Yes.
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Gimme a break! Have you ever tried making a round box? Well let me tell you, its a lot harder than making a pizza. Also, in the past, round pizza boxes have been mistaken for UFO's and shot down.
7. What disease did 'cured' ham actually have?
Asbergers syndrome, or social autism. Which is why people started killing pigs to begin with; they just couldn't stand their awkwardness in social settings and egregious lack of tact.
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Well, back when people were serious and manly enough to even want to go to the moon, they carried their luggage without bitching about it (sometimes even adding weight). Now people are weak and have to roll their luggage, and the moon moved farther away to spite us, which is why we haven't been back since. It threw off all the telemetry.
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?
Well, when I say 'I slept like a baby' I mean I shit myself and then cried all night. So it makes more sense.
10. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Probably, but not because its a Pepsi. They'll fire you because you're a no-good lazy-ass slacker.
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
To anger poor people in other countries who don't have any money. Besides, the only people who pay to go up tall buildings are the ones who suck at climbing. If they were smart, they would make it so it's free to enter, but you have to pay to leave. Or jump.
12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Nobody. It's just a hazard of the job.
13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Yes. If you are wasting your time reading your soup instead of eating it, then YOU are the one not getting the full effect.
14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Probably a baby cow.
15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Because sometimes toast just needs to be punished.
16. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Because nobody eats frozen shrimp in the middle of the night.
And its cheaper.
17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
The lyric is actually, "Jimmy cracks corn and Iduntcars". Iduntcars is medieval english meaning "an anecdote that lacks humor". So the song indicates that Jimmy cracks corn and bad jokes.
18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Some people do point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is. I stopped pointing at anything when asking a question, because I used to get the questions confused, and people would get upset when I pointed at my crotch and asked "Do you know what time it is?"
19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Evolution?
20. What do you call male ballerinas?
Homosexuals.
21. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
No, blind people do not dream. In fact, they lose their souls when they become blind, and after that, can only invade other peoples' dreams.
22. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
He had to satisfy his male craving to kill and win.
23. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
Babies.
24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Originally yes, when they were both set to the tune of Iron Maiden's "Aces High"
Prepare yourself for truth:
Question 1. Can you cry under water?
Actually, no. If you try to cry underwater, the water goes IN your tear ducts instead of out, and causes you to become hydro-cephalic and die. This is why people die during shark attacks. If you can get through the attack without crying, sharks can't hurt you. It's also why you never hear of people dying of shark attacks on land.
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?
In a perfect world, all killings would be assassinations. 'Murderers' is just what we call people who are too stupid to get paid to kill.
3. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
When Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden of Eden, God said "From this day forth, man is cursed, and every time he makes a sandwich, he will get a few bites of nothing but bread, on the corners, because the bread shalt be roughly rectangular in shape, whereas the meat will usually be round."
4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
It's the 'free thought tax' instituted by congress.
5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?
Yes.
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Gimme a break! Have you ever tried making a round box? Well let me tell you, its a lot harder than making a pizza. Also, in the past, round pizza boxes have been mistaken for UFO's and shot down.
7. What disease did 'cured' ham actually have?
Asbergers syndrome, or social autism. Which is why people started killing pigs to begin with; they just couldn't stand their awkwardness in social settings and egregious lack of tact.
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Well, back when people were serious and manly enough to even want to go to the moon, they carried their luggage without bitching about it (sometimes even adding weight). Now people are weak and have to roll their luggage, and the moon moved farther away to spite us, which is why we haven't been back since. It threw off all the telemetry.
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?
Well, when I say 'I slept like a baby' I mean I shit myself and then cried all night. So it makes more sense.
10. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Probably, but not because its a Pepsi. They'll fire you because you're a no-good lazy-ass slacker.
11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
To anger poor people in other countries who don't have any money. Besides, the only people who pay to go up tall buildings are the ones who suck at climbing. If they were smart, they would make it so it's free to enter, but you have to pay to leave. Or jump.
12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Nobody. It's just a hazard of the job.
13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Yes. If you are wasting your time reading your soup instead of eating it, then YOU are the one not getting the full effect.
14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Probably a baby cow.
15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Because sometimes toast just needs to be punished.
16. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Because nobody eats frozen shrimp in the middle of the night.
And its cheaper.
17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
The lyric is actually, "Jimmy cracks corn and Iduntcars". Iduntcars is medieval english meaning "an anecdote that lacks humor". So the song indicates that Jimmy cracks corn and bad jokes.
18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Some people do point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is. I stopped pointing at anything when asking a question, because I used to get the questions confused, and people would get upset when I pointed at my crotch and asked "Do you know what time it is?"
19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Evolution?
20. What do you call male ballerinas?
Homosexuals.
21. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
No, blind people do not dream. In fact, they lose their souls when they become blind, and after that, can only invade other peoples' dreams.
22. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
He had to satisfy his male craving to kill and win.
23. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
Babies.
24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Originally yes, when they were both set to the tune of Iron Maiden's "Aces High"
Friday, September 08, 2006
It's so hot. Milk was a bad choice.
Florida weather has a way of making you feel like your underwear is filled with wet gravel.
That is all.
-Eric
That is all.
-Eric
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)