Thursday, July 24, 2014

Breakroom Fridge 6th Weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Happy Friday everyone,

It is once again time for our weekly break room fridge James Brown “funky” food use-it-or-lose-it nominations. Only the Funkiest of foods make the cut. If you want to give any of these offenders a stay of execution, snatch them up by the end of the day. At close of business I turn it all over to the government, where it is presumably ground to a paste and fed to the elderly (just a guess).

Here are our nominees for the week - as always, taste-testing is encouraged. For science:

1.       This bag of moldy grapes is a lot like congress: there may actually be a couple in the bunch that aren’t rotten, but the rotten ones are so repugnant it’s probably safest to throw out the whole batch and start over. I motion that these funky fruits be removed from office. All in favor, say aye. All opposed, you have to eat the grapes.  

2.        Nasa has announced that the likely presence of water on Mars makes it possible we may find evidence of life. Somebody needs to  tell them to stop wasting their money - there is no need to travel millions of miles to find alien life, because we have some right here in our fridge: These eggs huddled together for warmth seem to have spawned some kind of extraterrestrial fungal flora. Perfect for putting in your bad kid’s stocking for Christmas to save money on coal.

3.       Our third nominee is a bottle of indeterminate contents that reminds me a lot of myself:  Milky white, strangely out of place in an office environment, and a lot older than it looks.  

Those are our nominees for the week, if you think I have harshly misjudged these nominees, let me know, or rescue them by the end of the day.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E

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