Thursday, July 24, 2014

Breakroom Fridge 5th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

You know what time it is: It’s time to exorcise the demons lurking in the breakroom fridge. That’s right, it’s the weekly James Brown “funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods get nominated. Any nominees that aren’t rescued by the end of the day ‘Win’ by being disposed of by whatever means necessary.

The haunting specter of semi-public, semi-anonymous shaming has kept the fridge unusually pristine lately, but there are always a few renegades of funk hiding out in there (which is good, because otherwise I would have nothing to write about).

The nominees for this week are:

1.        Our first nominee is a sturdy jug of lake water that has been ‘steeping’ for quite a while. How is tea like dirty lake water? I’m glad you asked! If you are swimming in a lake and accidentally get some of that nice brown water in your mouth, it tastes funky. It is brown because of water and leaves (and fish poop). Which is exactly what tea is – water and leaves (minus the fish poop). Hence, tea is dirty lake water.
2.       Most people think Italians invented pizza, and some think that Americans made it with crappier cheese and a healthy dose of cultural appropriation. But Pizza must have been invented by much earlier civilizations, as this piece is about 3000 years old. Anybody who wants a true relic of history for their collection can snatch this crusty artifact up. There is also a container of what appears to be watermelon, but I couldn’t confirm as the pizza was angry and wouldn’t let me get close enough to verify.
3.       This Styrofoam cup was in the freezer by itself, totally empty except for one small ice cube. I don’t even have anything funny to write about it, it’s just weird.  

Those are our nominations for this week! If these are yours and you think they still have purpose or sentimental value, save them by the end of the day. Any left at close of business will be ritually sacrificed to ensure a bountiful harvest of crops.

Have a great weekend!

- Double E

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