Breakroom Fridge 4th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for the weekly Use-it or lose-it James Brown ‘funky’ food nominations!  Only the funkiest of foods make the cut. If you recognize one of these items and aren’t ready to part with it, you have until the end of the day to save them from total annihilation!

It’s Deja-food for our nominees this week, as they have been hiding out for a while and have escaped being nominated in weeks past by looking very generic and hiding under even older, funkier foods. Our nominees for this week:

1.        Everybody knows that the bird is the word, but the bird also appears to be the contents of the science experiment in this first Tupperware, which is conveniently divided into two sections so you don’t have to worry about your moldy bean-paste accidentally touching your slimy, fermented chicken leg. We just couldn’t have that, now could we?

2.       When the moon hits your eye like a bigga pizza pie, that’s amore.  But when the smell hits your nose like a sewage fire hose, it just might be the artist formerly known as pasta that’s lurking in this second container.   Open at your own risk. Free ripped plastic bag also included.

If you want to save these foods or their Tupperware, snag them by the end of the day or they will be interned in the earth.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E 

Breakroom Fridge 3rd Weekly Use it or Lose it 'James Brown' nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for our Weekly James Brown ‘Funky’ Food nominations. If you want to save any of these items from an ignominious end, let me know (or surreptitiously grab them when I’m not looking to hide your shame).

1.       Our first nominee is in a delightful ensemble, rocking  a translucent polypropylene tub paired with a fanciful blue lid, perfect for summer leftovers. But as they say, it’s what on the inside that counts,  and this bloated bean blend needs to return to the earth from whence it came.

2.       They say you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but you should if he ate any of these old carrots from Tupperware number two! 

Have  Great Weekend everybody! 

-Double E

Breakroom 2nd weekly "Use-it-or-lose-it" James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

It is once again time for the weekly nominations of the James Brown “funky” fresh food fiascos in the breakroom fridge!

If you are the original owner of any of these items and can’t bear to part with them due to nostalgia, rescue them by the end of the day today, otherwise they are sentenced to death! For the crime of being old, smelly, or uncomfortably ambiguous in nature.

This week’s nominations (see picture below):

1.       Vintage Miracle whip, circa Oct/2011

2.       Merry Christmas 2013! This Bottle of French dressing from Dec two years ago is a little late to the party.

3.       Do you want the appearance of having mustard, but only want to get rude noises when you squeeze the bottle? Then these deceptive residue-coated-yet-empty bottles of mustard are just what you need. Hiding in plain sight since 3/13

4.       They say you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but this vinaigrette from 4/2012 would beg to differ!

5.       Get out your political fliers, because this bottle of Mesquite marinade is almost old enough to vote!

6.       The spring chicken of the group, this blue cheese dressing only expired a mere month ago!

7.       One to-go packet of Wendy’s sour cream. Baked potato not included.

8.       Although Activia is supposed to get things moving, you may get more than you bargained for with these blueberry bonanzas from 11/12 and 8/13!

9.       Great value yogurt – expired 4 months and counting

10.   I bet if we ignore this applesauce from 1/14 for just a few more months, we can have a nice batch of prison wine! Science!

If you want to grant any of these offenders a stay of execution, grab them before close of business today. Then I am casting them into the fires of mount doom, the only place they can be destroyed.

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge James Brown Use-it-or-lose-it Nominations - Week 1

***At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays, and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

The Fiscal team is responsible for cleaning the break room on Fridays, and we're going to start getting rid 

of any food in the fridge that could be classified as being in the 'James Brown' category (it's funky).

I'll send out a picture earlier in the day of the nominees, and if it's yours and you don't want it thrown away, 

or you want the container back, just let me know.

See the attached picture for our first weekly 'James Brown' nominees for the chopping block:

1. What looks like $2.27 worth of a 5-dollar footlong
2. McD's fossilized sausage egg and cheese biscuit
3.  a scoatch of dried out cheese (a scoatch is a tad between a smidgen and a pinch)
4. Semi-composted edamame in a mercifully airtight Tupperware
5. block of yellow fruit-like substance served in its own juices

If nobody claims them they are getting disposed of at COB today (I'll save the Tupperware). 

-Double E  

Things that I hate #2: Pandas

Pandas are the lamest creatures I have thought about lately. They are technically big powerful bears,  but they somehow even manage to gay that up by eating leaves and shit. They are 400 pounds with fangs and claws and would rather eat leaves. And they are even too prissy to eat just any leaves. It has to be their favorite leaves or they would rather just die. Reminds me of a 5 year not wanting to eat his vegetables. Except the 5 year old is lying when they say they would rather starve. Not the pandas. Pandas opted for a Gandhi style hunger strike against nature and have been losing miserably.

And to top it all off they don't even like having sex, and they have to be shown how to do it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9932362/Panda-porn-shown-in-attempt-to-get-two-to-mate.html

The only good thing pandas ever do is attack people who try to hug them. Although if they had built up a more badass rep people wouldn't try to hug them to begin with. You don't see people trying to hug Grizzlies, do you? Or even black bears? Shit, people don't even try to hug raccoons and squirrels for God's sake. Pandas just seem like such pussies people assume they can get away with it.

I'm sick of people acting like it would be such a big deal if panda's went extinct. When was the last time you heard about Panda's doing anything worthwhile? All I ever hear about is how a bunch of time, effort, and money is being invested into trying to make them simply survive.

I would rather have $14 than have pandas still existing.

And it would probably help them too, as people tend to only remember the good things about you after you are gone, sort of how people only say nice things about you at your funeral.

Look at the dodo bird. Its the ugliest looking thing ever, and it's the animal that being completely fucking retarded is named after, and yet now that it's extinct all you ever hear about is how sad it is that there are no more of them. Like what the world is really missing today is a big dumbass ugly bird.

So the best thing pandas can do for their reputation is to go extinct, before its too late.

-Double E

Things that I hate - Zooey Deschanel

1. Zooey Deschanel

Every once in a while you'll come across something that everybody is excited about, for no good reason, and you'll have no idea why because it sucks. Like POGS. Pogs were the gayest toy ever. They were also a terrible business model because you can't patent a cardboard milk cap. Predictably Pogs are now less than worthless, and serve only to remind us how occasionally people get excited over things with no intrinsic value.

Speaking of things with no intrinsic value, what's up with Zooey Deschanel? She is the human equivalent of one of those faded Pogs you will occasionally find in a parking lot, all faded and frayed from moisture and mashed into the pavement so one side is all dimpled like a golf ball.

And just like that Pog, she serves no purpose except to make me think, "Oh yeah, people like the dumbest shit sometimes."

She looks like a Hobbit wench and even her name is retarded; Zoo-ey. She would probably tell you it is pronounced ZO-EE, but she would be wrong. Zoey is pronounced ZO-EE. Zooey is pronounced ZOO-EE. Get mad at your parents, not me. I only speak the truth.

Like Sean Bean. It has to be pronounced either SHON BON or SEEN BĒĒN. Dude can't have it both ways, he needs to pick one. But I digress.

She has stupid hipster ratnest hair with sideburns that make it look like she should be selling diamonds in New York City

"Oh, chai there, ZOOOOEY!!"

She has weird buggy eyes and talks in the most grating, lilting way that sounds like a robot GPS lady, but not as hot (I always use the one with the Australian accent). 

She also always has the most ghoulish grin/grimace (grinmace?) plastered on her face, that when combined with her buggy eyes makes it seem like she just shat her pants and is trying to act normal until she finds an inconspicuous excuse to leave.

"It's..........so warm."

The worst part is when I sometimes see a picture of her out of the corner of my eye and think, "WTF happened to Katy Perry?"  Then seconds later I find out the horrible truth and am forced to apologize to Katy Perry and punch myself in the balls as penance.

 

NAY                                                             YAY!





I am not alone. Some choice selections from the interwebs:

"She's a fucking ugly, annoying cunt. I saw her in Yes Man and that scene where she's singing and shaking her head side to side pissed me off so much. She's a cunt, and I hate her."

"I wish her and only her all the harm in the world. My bottomless loathing of this sub human cretin is only equaled by my desire to see her impaled on a 15 foot tall metal spike "

"I find her attractive. Is there something wrong with me?"

"Yes, you don't know what you want. In a few years you'll hate yourself for finding her attractive.

"What kind of name is "Zooey Deschanel"? She should be forced to change her fucking name. After she gets her head shaved and a good raping."

"i would fuck her but thats not saying much."

"I fucking hate Zooey Deschanel.

Her lame movies, her pathetic singing carreer, and all the other actresses that try to look like her or visa versa. 

She’s not cute, she’s annoying as fuck, and needs to be hit by a school bus full of children and die. 

The end."

Oh, Internet. You are always so good to me.


-Double E

Winter is totally gay

(Not that kind of gay)

When I was a kid I used to think it would be super cool to live in a frozen wasteland where nobody else was badass enough to tread, killing polar bears with knife-spears and traversing glaciers with souped-up snowmobiles.

But now I am much wiser in the ways of the world, and I know that would totally suck. When you have to take preventative measures just to make sure your ass doesn't adhere to a toilet seat, you are not going to be having much fun the rest of the day either. Or 5 seconds later, when your rock-hard popsicle-turd splashes 40 degree water on your cornhole.

But even here in Florida, winter is pretty gay, and it's not even cold.

Women use winter as a bizarre excuse to stop shaving their legs.

"Oh it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs any more tee hee".

That makes about as much sense as saying "Oh it's winter, I can stop showering now. Nobody will be able to smell me because I have this big coat on."

"Winter is here everybody, no reason to keep brushing your teeth or combing your hair!"

"I'm so glad winter is here, now I can just take dust baths instead of using water and cleaning products."

RETARDED.

        Literally the only good thing about winter is that I don't have to mow my lawn. I can just let it die like nature intended and have total plausible deniability.

-Double E