I just purchased a printer that is the probably the largest electrical device in existence. It has smaller printers orbiting it. When I moved it from Walmart to my house it affected the tides. When I opened it up I expected to find a smaller printer inside, with an even smaller printer inside of that one. I thought the box was unusually big when i was buying it, but when I got it out it was even bigger than the box.
If printer technology had kept up with cell phones and computers, it would somehow be even smaller than the sheets of paper it was printing on. Instead it is larger than the forest the paper trees come from.
Looking at it right now, I want to throw a table cloth over it and host a banquet for visiting dignitaries.
If my apartment was hit by a tornado right now, I would climb inside my printer for safety. In fact, with this printer I don't even need an apt.
I walked around the side of my printer to plug in the cable and I got lost.
It didn't even come with an instruction booklet; Just a map.
I put in an entire ream of fresh paper and it just laughed at me.
Apparently God CAN make a rock so big that even he can't lift it-it's called my printer.
-Double E
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
25 facts about me you are better off not knowing
Don't let the title deceive you; you are only better off not knowing because the more you learn about me the more you will realize how worthless and weak you are. You will rend your garments and gnash your teeth, and beat your children for not being like me.
Moving on. By request:
25 Amazing and true facts about me
1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).
2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.
3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)
4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.
5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.
6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).
7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.
8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).
9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".
10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.
11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.
12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.
13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).
14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.
15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.
16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com
17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.
18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.
19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.
20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.
21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.
22. I watch every UFC.
23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.
24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.
25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.
*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)
-Double E
Moving on. By request:
25 Amazing and true facts about me
1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).
2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.
3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)
4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.
5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.
6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).
7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.
8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).
9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".
10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.
11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.
12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.
13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).
14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.
15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.
16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com
17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.
18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.
19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.
20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.
21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.
22. I watch every UFC.
23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.
24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.
25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.
*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)
-Double E
Thursday, February 05, 2009
If I push it any harder the whole thing will blow!
I recently had to go through a period of military training that was several months long. At the end of the class I was ranked 8/55 in terms of overall performance. Now this is nothing to write home about until you consider my level of apathy.
Yes, you may call me master.
-Double E
Yes, you may call me master.
-Double E
Paper or Plastic? Neither
The debate has long raged over which is the correct choice of grocery-toting receptacle. Recently these stupid bags were invented and have promised to answer the prayers of hippies everywhere:
So now you can spend money you don't have to and obnoxiously announce you are to good to just reuse regular bags at the same time! But this is still not the best answer:
Paper or plastic? Neither. SLAVES
Think about it. A slave can carry much more than one of these bags. And while it takes a regular plastic bag 1000 years to biodegrade, slaves biodegrade in only a few years. Or you can even feed them to other slaves. Now THAT is sustainability.
-Double E
So now you can spend money you don't have to and obnoxiously announce you are to good to just reuse regular bags at the same time! But this is still not the best answer:Paper or plastic? Neither. SLAVES
Think about it. A slave can carry much more than one of these bags. And while it takes a regular plastic bag 1000 years to biodegrade, slaves biodegrade in only a few years. Or you can even feed them to other slaves. Now THAT is sustainability.
-Double E
Sunday, September 14, 2008
That's the Ticket
Lots of people have been commenting on the fact that McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate was both a surprising and potentially risky choice. Since I am smarter then everyone, I will tell you the truth: It was neither bold nor risky. Unless you were stupid you knew he would choose a younger candidate who was either black or a woman. Maybe both.
Since all politicians are horrible people with contrived personalities and thinly veiled agendas, I am going to do the world a favor and run for president. You're Welcome. And now I will show you what a truly bold and surprising VP pick is:
My running mate for the 2008 presidential election is......
The Fake Bigfoot Body:
Fake Bigfoot Body should bring in some of the minority vote, since he is a minority (how many fake bigfoot bodies are there?). He should get a fair percentage of the woman vote too, since he is a big furry animal. He just needs to tuck away those fake intestines or whatever they are. His stoic rubber gaze and lack of a brain makes it impossible to rattle him in a debate. his pliant handshake and warm furry embrace is sure to entice some swing voters as well, and independents will welcome the new face to the political scene.
Fake bigfoot body has been criticized for lack of political experience, but he is the best at doing what we wish all politicians would do: Nothing. Nobody can do nothing like Fake Bigfoot Body.
Do what's best for the country: Vote Double E - Fake Bigfoot Body.
-Double E
Since all politicians are horrible people with contrived personalities and thinly veiled agendas, I am going to do the world a favor and run for president. You're Welcome. And now I will show you what a truly bold and surprising VP pick is:
My running mate for the 2008 presidential election is......
The Fake Bigfoot Body:
Fake Bigfoot Body should bring in some of the minority vote, since he is a minority (how many fake bigfoot bodies are there?). He should get a fair percentage of the woman vote too, since he is a big furry animal. He just needs to tuck away those fake intestines or whatever they are. His stoic rubber gaze and lack of a brain makes it impossible to rattle him in a debate. his pliant handshake and warm furry embrace is sure to entice some swing voters as well, and independents will welcome the new face to the political scene.
Fake bigfoot body has been criticized for lack of political experience, but he is the best at doing what we wish all politicians would do: Nothing. Nobody can do nothing like Fake Bigfoot Body.
Do what's best for the country: Vote Double E - Fake Bigfoot Body.
-Double E
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Large and in charge - Vanity sizing sweeps the nation
For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".
Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.
Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:
From this day forward,
Mens sizes:
Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"
Women Sizes:
Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect
-Double E
Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.
Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:
From this day forward,
Mens sizes:
Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"
Women Sizes:
Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect
-Double E
Sunday, August 03, 2008
The historically worst inventions in the history of History - Teil Drei
Not all inventions make the world a better place. Evidence:
1. Cooking
Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.
Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.
Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.
Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.
2. Electric cars
-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.
3. The little holes in spatulas
At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.
>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1
>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2
More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).
-Double E
1. Cooking
Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.
Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.
Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.
Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.
2. Electric cars
-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.
3. The little holes in spatulas
At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.
>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1
>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2
More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).
-Double E
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