Poker is for pervs.

During one of the times that I sit around and marvel at how good I am at poker, I discovered something previously unknown to me. Poker is full of some rather lurid terminology (at least when viewed with the same sophomoric crassness that I view everything else). If you laugh every time somebody is named Dick, then you know what I mean.

Here is some poker terminology that raised my eyebrow:

All In: Putting all your chips in the pot. Or putting your...well,,...you get the idea.

Short Stack: The term for the player with the smallest stack of chips; or in the theme of this juvenile post, the smallest penis.

Splashing the Pot: Refer to poop article.

Bluff: Rhymes with buff, as in naked? eh? Yeah, that's weak. Sorry.

Limp In: When players just call the blind instead of raising; Or when grandpa forgets his
viagra.

Suckout: Well, maybe legalized prostitution in Vegas influenced poker terminology.

Bad Beat:
-What they mean when they say it: My flush got beat by a straight flush.
-What I think when I hear it: A spankin' session somehow gone awry.

Pocket Rockets: Well, it means wired aces, but I can't help but think it means a trouser snake, ie, Jimmy the one-eyed wonder weasel.

In the Hole: There's just no way this can sound innocuous. Even worse, it can sometimes be paired with the above for the extremely sordid statement, "He had pocket rockets in the hole".

The Nuts: If you don't get this one, go look it up on the internet.

Big Slick: Well, its better than "Princess Sofia".

Belly Buster: Eating too much Taco Bell.

Flop: The community cards. Or what happens when you find out the girl you are making out with is actually a man.

Big Pair: Ok, it may be hard to explain this one, but it goes something like this: "Hey dude, check out the big pair on her!" (works also with 'top pair').

Position: Poker is a game of people and position. Sort of like a passionate session of love-making.


That's all for now. All this talk has made me want to go rock some poker. And I DO rock it.

-Eric

By Popular Demand

Due to the large number of concerned citizens who are unable to come up with their own euphemisms for taking a dump, I have evolved my Official Poop Nomenclature Chart into an Official Poop Nomenclature Generator.

In All Its Glory

See, I am very responsive to my consituents. Vote Eric.

-Eric

Indians just aren't cool anymore

Lets face it, Indians just aren't that cool anymore. In the past there may have been something exciting about running around half naked killing bison and scalping people, but they don't even do that anymore. If kids today play 'cowboys and indians', they are more likely to be playing blackjack than shooting a bow and arrows.

-Eric

Don't Phunk With My Grammar

Burgeoning communication and internet technology in recent years has given rise to a new breed of people: The internet idiot. Next time you are having a "convo" with some illiterate husk online, consult my dictionary of internet slang to translate the half-formed bushman gibberish they spout at you. Years of extensive research and field testing have led me to believe that this is nearly 100% correct.

1. Ur - Urethra. May also refer to a urinary tract infection, or blood in the urine.

2. LOL - A modification of the word 'roll', refers to the pendulous folds of blubber cascading from the flabby stomachs of many internet users.

3. wtf - derived from antiquated internet slang of the 1800's, translates roughly to "I'm a pillow biter".

4. ttyl - Abbreviation for the ancient Mexican city Technocticlan. Can also be used to refer to Mexican vacations and donkey shows.

5. thx - George Lucas' first film, thx 1138.

6. cya - Short for cyan, or cyanosis, associated with asphyxiation. It is usually typed when the individual is choking on a Zinger or similar snack foods.

7. brb - Short for 'brumby', the wild roaming horses of Australia. They will trample you.

8. convo - Short for convulsions, used when the typer is having a seizure. Shortened to convo due to the obvious difficulty of typing while seizing.

9. gg - "got gas". can be posed as a statement or question. An evolution of "got milk", but instead of a milk mustache it is evidenced by massive amounts of flatulence, and/or painful cramps. Can also be gtg (got the gas)

10. rofl - referring to 'romping on the floor', it is widely used in homosexual circles and has certain sexual connotations (Mostly in reference to ass-raping).

-Eric

Get off me

Yes, I made the "Official Poop Nomenclature Chart" myself, I didn't just find it on the internet. Like I can't come up with my own poop-chart. Pssh. I scoff.

-Eric

For the People

Hi, I'm John Morgan of the law offices of Morgan, Colling and Gilbert. If your old people are in a nursing home, they will get raped. Either that, or the nurses will forget to change their bed pans and they will get festering bed sores. Nursing home abuse isn't just something that happens, its something that we hope happens. I mean lets face it, you probably won't get any money out of your gross dying grandmother unless somebody abuses them and you sue. And we don't get any money unless you sue. If you don't put your old people in an abusive nursing home, you're wrong.

Morgan, Colling and gilbert: For US - I mean, the people.

Welcome to the Jungle

If it gets any hotter here, my crotch will burst into flames and cauterize my genitals into one indiscernible lump. Its only in the low 80's, and already I'm sweating like a gerbil in a key west pet shop. I have figured out why they call Gainesville 'The Swamp'. It's not because it's the home of the Gators. It's because it's as hot as Satan's anus, smells twice as bad, and is swarming with flies. People always have a reason to explain the smell of dead grandma, too. Like, "Oh that's just the water treatment plant." As if knowing what it is will quench the fire in my nostrils. Next time people say my apartment smells, I'm just going to say, "Oh that's just the big pile of shit I left behind the couch."
I don't understand people lying around outside in the grass, having a jolly old time, when I have to make several pitstops just to make it to class (I don't want the toast in my pocket to burn) and then use a spatula to get my backpack off. When you realize that little spot on your shirt is the area not covered in sweat, something is wrong.
But as the saying goes, "If you don't like the weather in Florida, wait five minutes and it will change." ....From 85 Degrees to 90.

-Eric