P.S. We all want answers

In case you didn't believe me:

1.) The chicken. An egg can't hatch itself.

2.) 32 board-feet

You should now feel enlightened.

-Eric

Welcome to The Dark ages (you know, before the ice was in his grill)

I'm sure everyone has heard such age old conundrums as:

1.) "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

and

2.) "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Well, besides the fact that I know the answers to both of those, because I'm awesome, there is a much more perplexing query that exists:

"Which came first, the famous rapper or his song about being famous?"

Which indeed?

I will accept all logical answers. The best answer will win some sort of prize. I haven't thought of what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

-Eric

Employment Opportunities Available: Now Hiring!

Are you looking for an easy job? One where you don't have to work very many hours? Well I will let you in on the secret that has netted me over $75 in the past several years.

The key is unwanted change. People foolishly cast it aside. That, my friend, is where you come in. When you see a coin lying on the ground, no longer should you just wonder why its all sticky and keep walking. If you saw $900 lying on the ground you wouldn't pass it by. But guess what? That's what you're doing! If you want to be successful like me, you will pick UP that coin. If you can pick up a penny in 1 full second ( a modest assumption ) then for that second you are working at the rate of $36.00 an hour! Picking up dimes nets you $360.00 an hour, and stooping for quarters earns you an astounding $900.00 an hour!!!

And you too can earn this incredible hourly rate, and work only seconds each week!

My program, Eric English's "Bend Over for Big Bucks", will teach you all the ins and outs of change-picking, including:

• The Hot Spots - Where and when to stoop
• Competition - What to do if you and a hobo see the coin at the same time
• Stretching and exercises - Learn how a slow bending technique could be costing you big $$$!!

The first 300 people to order my Extreme Money-making system will receive our unisex hip-pack coin purse and a keychain vial of hand sanitizer ( A $2.49 value) absolutely FREE!

Start Making Money Today!!!

-Eric

It's not my fault, it's his little kitty thyroid

As of February 2003, the worlds heaviest living cat is believed to be the 44lb "Katy" from Russia. The owners wished to have it listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, but they apparently no longer accept records in this category because they don't want people to overfeed their pets.

Well, it makes sense. It would be dangerous and unhealthy.


Let's look at some other Guinness record categories that have not been discontinued:

• Heaviest Man
• Niagara Falls Tightrope walking
• Largest mantle of Bees
• Longest Ramp jump with a caravan
• Solo Mount Everest Ascents
• Fastest speed road-skiing behind a motorcycle
• Highest Shallow dive
• Strangest diet (metal and glass)

And the last one is my favorite:

• Most kicks to the head in one minute(Self)

Good to see they don't want people doing dangerous or unhealthy things either.



-Eric

Mythbuster

I feel it is my duty to impart upon you, the hapless masses, the benefits of my wisdom. So today I am going to debunk the myth of the hippie credo, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Let's assume that there are two warring factions, Red and Blue.



In the course of events, a member of blue faction gouges out the eye of a member of Red faction.



In the spirit of "An eye for an eye" (a concept which both factions strictly adhere to) another member of Red faction takes the eye of the offending member of Blue faction.



The trend of vengeance then continues, as I will illustrate step-by-step with the following unnecessarily long sequence of pictures:




















The cycle of violence continues until all people have been blinded except for one man with one eye left, leaving him to rule over the blind masses like a god.

So 'an eye for an eye' doesn't leave the whole world blind, it leaves a single one-eyed man ruling billions of blind, helpless minions. Hopefully that helped dispel some of the myth.

-Eric

Well, obviously

The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.



Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:

For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?



2. Supersize Me

Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.



3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.


That's all for now.

Obviously.




-Eric

Would you like some french cries with that?

Lately everyone has been complaining about gas prices. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Shut up. If a $.25 per gallon increase in gas prices ruins your day, then your problem is not gas prices. Your problem is that you are poor. And stupid. (Only stupid people are poor). Smart people have businesses, like Buy Thermite, and people with businesses aren't poor. Unless stupid people don't buy their stuff. Get to it, peasants.

Just to show you how stupid you are for being poor and complaining about gas prices, I am going to list a few things that are way more over-priced than dead-dino juice.

**WARNING: The following items are grossly overpriced at your local marts, and strip you of your hard-earned dollars. Not recommended for people who are poor and stupid**

1. Water

That's right, good ol' H2O. If you have ever bought a bottle of water, you can't complain about gas prices. Unless you were in the middle of the desert and needed it to live (but you have to be pissed about being ripped off). In the words of Jim Gaffigan,
"Do you guys have water? I know it's free from every tap; I'd like to buy some. Do you have any air? Maybe some garbage?"
Don't laugh. That's not a joke. That's you being exposed. If you buy water, which is usually way more per gallon than gas (unless you get like Albertson's brand in the big, thin, crappy jug) then you can't complain about gas being an extra quarter.


2. Gas.

Gas is so overpric-

wait.....

Damn.

-Eric