Las Vegas Adventures #7 - The people of Vons

Vons is a local grocery store that has been the location of a few ....interesting...encounters.

This is the latest:

A woman checking out in front of me is trying to figure out some sort of digital coupon, and a crusty old hag behind me is getting increasing grumpy and muttering under her breath about how ridiculous she finds it that she has to wait an extra 2 or 3 minutes. When the lady in front of me is leaving, the following conversation takes place:

HAG: *to cashier* "You really should have a separate line for people with coupons!"

ME: "Get ready, I have a bunch too" *I brandish my fat stack of coupons with a flawless spring flourish - see fig. 1)*

Fig. 1

HAG: "Ugh! They really should have a separate line to accomodate...**unintelligible harumph-ing**"

ME: "Don't act like you have anything better to do"

HAG: "I...I DO!"

ME: "You wouldn't be here if you did"

HAG: **stares haggedly**




Thus ended my latest Von's encounter.

Las Vegas Adventures #6 - The life and times of Bubble Boy

   Those of you who know me are aware that I am a degenerate gambler (I'm good at gambling, the degeneracy is a separate issue). So obviously I have indulged in a couple good old fashioned no-limit Texas holdem tournaments since I have been here in Vegas.

For you philistines out there who don't appreciate gambling culture, a poker tournament is a lot like life - everybody pays to participate, struggles to beat everyone else by any means necessary, and a small percentage end up with all money in the end.

Usually 10% or so of the people who enter get money. In a poker tournament the last spot before the paying positions start is called "the bubble". Despite being close enough to molest the money, whoever gets eliminated on the bubble gets nothing. Because poker is real life, and close only counts for horseshoes, hand grenades, and restraining order violations.

In the two tournaments I have played so far, I have placed 7th out of 45, and 6th out of 38th. These two tournaments paid out the top 5 and 4 places, respectively.

So while I didn't technically go out on the bubble, to paraphrase Bill Shakespeare, "a fart by any other name would smell as shitty"

To be sure, making it that deep in two multi-table tournaments in a row is indicative of some solid poker skills. But going deep in a tourney yet not cashing out is like fighting a bear for 30 minutes - It's very impressive, but at the end you're still dead inside.

Las Vegas Adventures - #5

      I've fielded lots of questions lately about why I wanted to move to Vegas, and as I've explained before, I have my reasons, and at least 30% of them have nothing to do with casinos or strip clubs. One of the main reasons is an unquenchable thirst for adventures. So it only seems fair to regale you all with the stories of my deeds, triumphant and disastrous alike, so you can wish you were me (or be glad you aren't, whatever the case may be). 

     You may have noticed that I'm starting with adventure # 5, instead of 1. That's because, as anybody who has watched Reservoir Dogs knows, its more fun to do things out of order. And also because some of my great stories should be reserved for my fans who send nudes. Which hasn't happened yet.....apparently people think I'm joking.......Anyway.

    This adventure begins on my morning stroll, where I was marching down the sunny streets using my patented technique for instant happiness (I can't give everything away, but it involves listening to happy music, grinning like an idiot, and bombastically strutting like you're a billionaire with kettlebells for balls - see Fig 1). It works, trust me. Science. 

Fig. 1

So there I am minding my own business, just trying to absorb the limitless power of the universe, and a car slowly pulls up beside me, and starts honking its horn repeatedly. When this happens a few thoughts went through my mind: 

1. If some foolish fuckers try to roll me I am gonna bust out a Chuck Norris flying double kick, wrecking their car and their feeble ribcages. see fig. 2

Fig. 2

2. Am I about to be objectified and street harassed? If somebody calls me sweetheart or comments on my fabulous glutes, I might literally not be able to even. 

3. Maybe something really cool is about to happen, that I don't even know about. 

Unfortunately, none of those things transpired. Instead I turn around to see two old asian ladies in a car staring at me, simultaneously imploring and impatient. 

As I slowly remove my $3.99 Walmart headphones, I think "this outta be good.." but I honestly can't come up with any ideas for what they possibly could want. 

The driver leans over and asks me "you know where is Costco" 

It was more of a statement than a question, spoken like I was keeping her personal info prisoner, and should hand it over. 

At this point I am not at all thinking about how to answer the question, and am instead thinking what train of thought has to transpire to make somebody honk at a random runner on the street, in a city of 2 million people, to ask where the Costco is. I have no answers. IS there even a Costco?

What I wanted to say was: (See Fig. 3)

Fig. 3

Instead I used up pretty much all the politeness I have in the morning and told them "I just moved here, I don't know where anything is."

Then I added, with as much emphasis as possible to make it known that this is a suggestion instead of just a statement, " I use GPS to find out where everything is."

Normally I'm not that passive aggressive and would just say "why don't you use GPS?", but I figure with the driving I've seen so far from other old asian ladies, I should consider my self lucky they didn't accidentally pin me to a telephone pole when trying to stop, so I decided to pay it forward.

After I said that, they both just looked at me for a second, and just when I though they were about to drive off, and my ordeal would be over and I could get back to building my power levels, she narrows her eyes and says "What the address?" 

See Fig. 4

Fig. 4

I pretty much just gave them that look until they drove off.

Stay tuned for more adventures, like the time I went to a Chinese restaurant that was probably a money laundering operation for Triad gangs. (I swear the adventures don't all involved asian people. )

- Double E

Breakroom Fridge 7th Weekly 'Use-it-or-Lose-it' James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

It is once again time for our weekly James Brown ‘Funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods make the cut. If you feel any of these have been nominated in error, you can save them from the chopping block. Any nominees left at the end of the day will be sent to Hormel where it is turned into Spam.

We only have two nominees for today:

1.        Our first nominee is only a few weeks old, but I keep seeing it in there, peeking out from behind some tupperwares, taunting me.  It appears to be a free sample from Chik-Fil-A that somebody took from the mall and saved for later. A meal this small should be thrown away on principle, as it would just make you angry anyway. 

2.        I’m also not sure exactly how old our second nominee is , but this jar has been around for a while and is haunting my dreams. Whatever is in there I think is about to hatch and will kill us all.

That’s all we have for this week, as the fridge has been pretty clean lately. If you want to save either of these offenders let me know, or sneak into the breakroom and snatch it. Any nominees left at the end of the day will be disposed of with extreme prejudice.

 I also have a bunch of Tupperware from previous nominees, and next week I will be releasing them back into the wild. So if you are missing one, stay tuned.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

Breakroom Fridge 7th Weekly 'Use-it-or-Lose-it' James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Tis the season for the weekly James Brown “Funky” food Nominations. Bringing you the best of the worst in the breakroom fridge since slightly earlier in 2014. Only the funkiest of foods make the list. If you want to save any of these things let me know (or secretly snatch them before the end of the day) or else they will be bronzed and stored in a museum as a warning to future civilizations.

Here are our nominees for this week:

1.       One squeeze(ed) bottle of Chocolate Hell. It was previously chocolate shell, but not after this much time.

2.       Note: If you are going to leave severed fingers lying around to get ransom money, you have to leave a note on where to put the money. There is also a chance these are just old, half-eaten sausages. Either way, there is nothing but sorrow in this bag. The only proof of life you’ll get from this nominee is the copious bacterial growth.

3.       I was having difficulty figuring out what our 3^rd item was, but I finally got it. And I feel stupid because it was super obvious and staring me right in the face the whole time: It is most certainly an ice-core sample taken from a frozen wooly mammoth carcass. The real mystery is how did they fit it in the Nestle bottle.  Tell me, HOW?!

4.       My talk of prison wine a while back has inspired somebody to make a festive watermelon sangria. Artfully brewed with the potent combination of Anoxia, fruit, and neglect. Perfect for Birthdays, corporate parties, or going blind.  

5.       Free mini Tupperware! *

*Also includes really old cream cheese that smells like poo-gas

-          Have an awesome weekend everybody! Don’t do anything I wouldn't do!

-Double E 

Breakroom Fridge 6th Weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Happy Friday everyone,

It is once again time for our weekly break room fridge James Brown “funky” food use-it-or-lose-it nominations. Only the Funkiest of foods make the cut. If you want to give any of these offenders a stay of execution, snatch them up by the end of the day. At close of business I turn it all over to the government, where it is presumably ground to a paste and fed to the elderly (just a guess).

Here are our nominees for the week - as always, taste-testing is encouraged. For science:

1.       This bag of moldy grapes is a lot like congress: there may actually be a couple in the bunch that aren’t rotten, but the rotten ones are so repugnant it’s probably safest to throw out the whole batch and start over. I motion that these funky fruits be removed from office. All in favor, say aye. All opposed, you have to eat the grapes.  

2.        Nasa has announced that the likely presence of water on Mars makes it possible we may find evidence of life. Somebody needs to  tell them to stop wasting their money - there is no need to travel millions of miles to find alien life, because we have some right here in our fridge: These eggs huddled together for warmth seem to have spawned some kind of extraterrestrial fungal flora. Perfect for putting in your bad kid’s stocking for Christmas to save money on coal.

3.       Our third nominee is a bottle of indeterminate contents that reminds me a lot of myself:  Milky white, strangely out of place in an office environment, and a lot older than it looks.  

Those are our nominees for the week, if you think I have harshly misjudged these nominees, let me know, or rescue them by the end of the day.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge 5th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

You know what time it is: It’s time to exorcise the demons lurking in the breakroom fridge. That’s right, it’s the weekly James Brown “funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods get nominated. Any nominees that aren’t rescued by the end of the day ‘Win’ by being disposed of by whatever means necessary.

The haunting specter of semi-public, semi-anonymous shaming has kept the fridge unusually pristine lately, but there are always a few renegades of funk hiding out in there (which is good, because otherwise I would have nothing to write about).

The nominees for this week are:

1.        Our first nominee is a sturdy jug of lake water that has been ‘steeping’ for quite a while. How is tea like dirty lake water? I’m glad you asked! If you are swimming in a lake and accidentally get some of that nice brown water in your mouth, it tastes funky. It is brown because of water and leaves (and fish poop). Which is exactly what tea is – water and leaves (minus the fish poop). Hence, tea is dirty lake water.

2.       Most people think Italians invented pizza, and some think that Americans made it with crappier cheese and a healthy dose of cultural appropriation. But Pizza must have been invented by much earlier civilizations, as this piece is about 3000 years old. Anybody who wants a true relic of history for their collection can snatch this crusty artifact up. There is also a container of what appears to be watermelon, but I couldn’t confirm as the pizza was angry and wouldn’t let me get close enough to verify.

3.       This Styrofoam cup was in the freezer by itself, totally empty except for one small ice cube. I don’t even have anything funny to write about it, it’s just weird.  

Those are our nominations for this week! If these are yours and you think they still have purpose or sentimental value, save them by the end of the day. Any left at close of business will be ritually sacrificed to ensure a bountiful harvest of crops.

Have a great weekend!

- Double E

Breakroom Fridge 4th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for the weekly Use-it or lose-it James Brown ‘funky’ food nominations!  Only the funkiest of foods make the cut. If you recognize one of these items and aren’t ready to part with it, you have until the end of the day to save them from total annihilation!

It’s Deja-food for our nominees this week, as they have been hiding out for a while and have escaped being nominated in weeks past by looking very generic and hiding under even older, funkier foods. Our nominees for this week:

1.        Everybody knows that the bird is the word, but the bird also appears to be the contents of the science experiment in this first Tupperware, which is conveniently divided into two sections so you don’t have to worry about your moldy bean-paste accidentally touching your slimy, fermented chicken leg. We just couldn’t have that, now could we?

2.       When the moon hits your eye like a bigga pizza pie, that’s amore.  But when the smell hits your nose like a sewage fire hose, it just might be the artist formerly known as pasta that’s lurking in this second container.   Open at your own risk. Free ripped plastic bag also included.

If you want to save these foods or their Tupperware, snag them by the end of the day or they will be interned in the earth.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E 

Breakroom Fridge 3rd Weekly Use it or Lose it 'James Brown' nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for our Weekly James Brown ‘Funky’ Food nominations. If you want to save any of these items from an ignominious end, let me know (or surreptitiously grab them when I’m not looking to hide your shame).

1.       Our first nominee is in a delightful ensemble, rocking  a translucent polypropylene tub paired with a fanciful blue lid, perfect for summer leftovers. But as they say, it’s what on the inside that counts,  and this bloated bean blend needs to return to the earth from whence it came.

2.       They say you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but you should if he ate any of these old carrots from Tupperware number two! 

Have  Great Weekend everybody! 

-Double E

Breakroom 2nd weekly "Use-it-or-lose-it" James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

It is once again time for the weekly nominations of the James Brown “funky” fresh food fiascos in the breakroom fridge!

If you are the original owner of any of these items and can’t bear to part with them due to nostalgia, rescue them by the end of the day today, otherwise they are sentenced to death! For the crime of being old, smelly, or uncomfortably ambiguous in nature.

This week’s nominations (see picture below):

1.       Vintage Miracle whip, circa Oct/2011

2.       Merry Christmas 2013! This Bottle of French dressing from Dec two years ago is a little late to the party.

3.       Do you want the appearance of having mustard, but only want to get rude noises when you squeeze the bottle? Then these deceptive residue-coated-yet-empty bottles of mustard are just what you need. Hiding in plain sight since 3/13

4.       They say you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but this vinaigrette from 4/2012 would beg to differ!

5.       Get out your political fliers, because this bottle of Mesquite marinade is almost old enough to vote!

6.       The spring chicken of the group, this blue cheese dressing only expired a mere month ago!

7.       One to-go packet of Wendy’s sour cream. Baked potato not included.

8.       Although Activia is supposed to get things moving, you may get more than you bargained for with these blueberry bonanzas from 11/12 and 8/13!

9.       Great value yogurt – expired 4 months and counting

10.   I bet if we ignore this applesauce from 1/14 for just a few more months, we can have a nice batch of prison wine! Science!

If you want to grant any of these offenders a stay of execution, grab them before close of business today. Then I am casting them into the fires of mount doom, the only place they can be destroyed.

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge James Brown Use-it-or-lose-it Nominations - Week 1

***At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays, and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

The Fiscal team is responsible for cleaning the break room on Fridays, and we're going to start getting rid 

of any food in the fridge that could be classified as being in the 'James Brown' category (it's funky).

I'll send out a picture earlier in the day of the nominees, and if it's yours and you don't want it thrown away, 

or you want the container back, just let me know.

See the attached picture for our first weekly 'James Brown' nominees for the chopping block:

1. What looks like $2.27 worth of a 5-dollar footlong
2. McD's fossilized sausage egg and cheese biscuit
3.  a scoatch of dried out cheese (a scoatch is a tad between a smidgen and a pinch)
4. Semi-composted edamame in a mercifully airtight Tupperware
5. block of yellow fruit-like substance served in its own juices

If nobody claims them they are getting disposed of at COB today (I'll save the Tupperware). 

-Double E  

Things that I hate #2: Pandas

Pandas are the lamest creatures I have thought about lately. They are technically big powerful bears,  but they somehow even manage to gay that up by eating leaves and shit. They are 400 pounds with fangs and claws and would rather eat leaves. And they are even too prissy to eat just any leaves. It has to be their favorite leaves or they would rather just die. Reminds me of a 5 year not wanting to eat his vegetables. Except the 5 year old is lying when they say they would rather starve. Not the pandas. Pandas opted for a Gandhi style hunger strike against nature and have been losing miserably.

And to top it all off they don't even like having sex, and they have to be shown how to do it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9932362/Panda-porn-shown-in-attempt-to-get-two-to-mate.html

The only good thing pandas ever do is attack people who try to hug them. Although if they had built up a more badass rep people wouldn't try to hug them to begin with. You don't see people trying to hug Grizzlies, do you? Or even black bears? Shit, people don't even try to hug raccoons and squirrels for God's sake. Pandas just seem like such pussies people assume they can get away with it.

I'm sick of people acting like it would be such a big deal if panda's went extinct. When was the last time you heard about Panda's doing anything worthwhile? All I ever hear about is how a bunch of time, effort, and money is being invested into trying to make them simply survive.

I would rather have $14 than have pandas still existing.

And it would probably help them too, as people tend to only remember the good things about you after you are gone, sort of how people only say nice things about you at your funeral.

Look at the dodo bird. Its the ugliest looking thing ever, and it's the animal that being completely fucking retarded is named after, and yet now that it's extinct all you ever hear about is how sad it is that there are no more of them. Like what the world is really missing today is a big dumbass ugly bird.

So the best thing pandas can do for their reputation is to go extinct, before its too late.

-Double E

Things that I hate - Zooey Deschanel

1. Zooey Deschanel

Every once in a while you'll come across something that everybody is excited about, for no good reason, and you'll have no idea why because it sucks. Like POGS. Pogs were the gayest toy ever. They were also a terrible business model because you can't patent a cardboard milk cap. Predictably Pogs are now less than worthless, and serve only to remind us how occasionally people get excited over things with no intrinsic value.

Speaking of things with no intrinsic value, what's up with Zooey Deschanel? She is the human equivalent of one of those faded Pogs you will occasionally find in a parking lot, all faded and frayed from moisture and mashed into the pavement so one side is all dimpled like a golf ball.

And just like that Pog, she serves no purpose except to make me think, "Oh yeah, people like the dumbest shit sometimes."

She looks like a Hobbit wench and even her name is retarded; Zoo-ey. She would probably tell you it is pronounced ZO-EE, but she would be wrong. Zoey is pronounced ZO-EE. Zooey is pronounced ZOO-EE. Get mad at your parents, not me. I only speak the truth.

Like Sean Bean. It has to be pronounced either SHON BON or SEEN BĒĒN. Dude can't have it both ways, he needs to pick one. But I digress.

She has stupid hipster ratnest hair with sideburns that make it look like she should be selling diamonds in New York City

"Oh, chai there, ZOOOOEY!!"

She has weird buggy eyes and talks in the most grating, lilting way that sounds like a robot GPS lady, but not as hot (I always use the one with the Australian accent). 

She also always has the most ghoulish grin/grimace (grinmace?) plastered on her face, that when combined with her buggy eyes makes it seem like she just shat her pants and is trying to act normal until she finds an inconspicuous excuse to leave.

"It's..........so warm."

The worst part is when I sometimes see a picture of her out of the corner of my eye and think, "WTF happened to Katy Perry?"  Then seconds later I find out the horrible truth and am forced to apologize to Katy Perry and punch myself in the balls as penance.

 

NAY                                                             YAY!





I am not alone. Some choice selections from the interwebs:

"She's a fucking ugly, annoying cunt. I saw her in Yes Man and that scene where she's singing and shaking her head side to side pissed me off so much. She's a cunt, and I hate her."

"I wish her and only her all the harm in the world. My bottomless loathing of this sub human cretin is only equaled by my desire to see her impaled on a 15 foot tall metal spike "

"I find her attractive. Is there something wrong with me?"

"Yes, you don't know what you want. In a few years you'll hate yourself for finding her attractive.

"What kind of name is "Zooey Deschanel"? She should be forced to change her fucking name. After she gets her head shaved and a good raping."

"i would fuck her but thats not saying much."

"I fucking hate Zooey Deschanel.

Her lame movies, her pathetic singing carreer, and all the other actresses that try to look like her or visa versa. 

She’s not cute, she’s annoying as fuck, and needs to be hit by a school bus full of children and die. 

The end."

Oh, Internet. You are always so good to me.


-Double E

Winter is totally gay

(Not that kind of gay)

When I was a kid I used to think it would be super cool to live in a frozen wasteland where nobody else was badass enough to tread, killing polar bears with knife-spears and traversing glaciers with souped-up snowmobiles.

But now I am much wiser in the ways of the world, and I know that would totally suck. When you have to take preventative measures just to make sure your ass doesn't adhere to a toilet seat, you are not going to be having much fun the rest of the day either. Or 5 seconds later, when your rock-hard popsicle-turd splashes 40 degree water on your cornhole.

But even here in Florida, winter is pretty gay, and it's not even cold.

Women use winter as a bizarre excuse to stop shaving their legs.

"Oh it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs any more tee hee".

That makes about as much sense as saying "Oh it's winter, I can stop showering now. Nobody will be able to smell me because I have this big coat on."

"Winter is here everybody, no reason to keep brushing your teeth or combing your hair!"

"I'm so glad winter is here, now I can just take dust baths instead of using water and cleaning products."

RETARDED.

        Literally the only good thing about winter is that I don't have to mow my lawn. I can just let it die like nature intended and have total plausible deniability.

-Double E

HOLY SHIT - 116yr-old person dies

    A few weeks ago I ate an entire package of celery in one sitting just to see if I could. Spoiler: I could. Was this intriguing endeavor featured in the news? No, and neither was the fact that 2 hours later I shat out pure compost that smelled so rich and bucolic that I wanted to just sit in a rocking chair and sip moonshine whilst peppering local kids with birdshot for straying too close to my property line.

So what stories of international significance so gripped the world that these truly newsworthy happenings would be (if not for this bastion of truth) swept under the proverbial rug, lost to posterity forever?

"Woman, 116, listed as 'world's oldest' dies in Ga."

www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/04/woman-world-oldest/1747175/

        This is news? When you are 116 years old dying is the only thing you can do by yourself. It would make more sense to have a new headline every day somebody this old DOESN'T die. Look at that picture; I can't even tell if it was taken before or after she died. I have the entire internet to get through, I can't be bogged down with 'news' like this.

More newsworthy stories would have been:

- World's oldest person uses internet
- World's oldest person rips out burglar's still-beating heart with bare hands
- World's oldest person gets free t-shirt after eating 100 hot wings
- World's oldest person finds world's oldest toilet paper stuck to their shoe
- World's oldest person shouts "They are already among us!" and immediately explodes into cloud of vapor



 - Double E

Breaking News: Arnold Schwarzenegger probably won't take his shirt off in his next movie

From Reuters:

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks drama for comeback

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Arnold Schwarzenegger has zeroed in on the film that will mark his return to the big screen: "Cry Macho," a drama about a down-on-his-luck horse trainer who is hired to kidnap a 9-year-old boy.

Filming is set to begin in September. Brad Furman ("The Lincoln Lawyer") will direct. Producer Al Ruddy, an Oscar winner for both "The Godfather" and "Million Dollar Baby," has been nurturing the project for years.

"I guarantee that you'll get another look at Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie," Ruddy said. "Arnold always plays these big muscular guys, but there's a sweetness to Arnold in real life, and we want to bring that sweetness to the screen. "

I think what he meant to say is,

"Arnold is getting really old, and nobody wants to see his hairy bitch-tits. So instead we have to leave his shirt on and are forced to use an arcane film-making technique known as a 'story'"





- Double E

4 Things you should never post pictures of on the Internet

I realize that your life is just oh-so interesting, and I'm sure everyone on the planet appreciates your altruistic decision to share the intricacies of your existence. However, there are (at least) 4 things that you should never post pictures or videos of, online or elsewhere. I am telling you this for your own good. Mostly for my good, but it will help people hate you less, so it's for your good too.


1. Your newborn baby

Let's be honest here, newborn babies look like writhing, flaccid, penises. I would rather fellate a shit-covered cactus than have to look at another baby picture. They can't even hold their own heads up, let alone do anything interesting. If I want to see the ugly side of the circle of life I can just watch videos of lions tearing apart sickly wildebeests. Get back to me when the kid is old enough to fail badly at doing mundane things. Put that on video and I may tune in. (but only to laugh, not to care).

2. Your new Tattoo

I understand that you are super excited about your super fresh tattoo of...whatever the hell it is..., but since you are stuck with it until at least a few years AFTER you die (and 60 years after it stops being cool), you can at least do us all a favor and wait like ONE day until its not all puffy, red, scabby and covered with greasy lotion. If I can't tell if you have a dragon tattoo or a raging case of arm-herpes, you're doing it wrong. So relax, time is on your side with this one.

3. Your wedding

No matter how cool, unique, and original you think your wedding/reception/honeymoon is, it will still be 95% similar to every single other wedding on the face of the planet.

Did your wedding feature,
Monkey butlers?
Strippers? (female)
Feats of strength? (carrying you across the threshold doesn't count)
Impromptu turf war with another nearby wedding party?
Ted Nugent?
Motorized...anything?

Didn't think so. MOVE ALONG.

I wouldn't put your wedding pictures in the bottom of a bird cage, just because of the off-chance the bird might flap around and flip one over and I would have to see it for an entire second.


4. Your lame vacation

The only acceptable pictures that should be posted online of vacations include:
1. Feats of strength
2. Things that elevate your status above the wretched masses
3. Proof of wicked, depraved, or otherwise sordidly impressive acts that would otherwise be dismissed by your friends as fanciful stories.

Notice this list did NOT include an album of 1365 pictures of you standing on a beach, ordering from a restaurant, looking out an airplane window, sitting in your hotel room, on a subway, your feet (seriously?), statues, etc. If you have so many pictures of the same lame scene that you can make a working flip book, then you are wasting my time, as usual.

If a nearby parents don't gasp and cover their children's eyes when your vacation pictures pop up, don't bother.

If I want to look at pictures of somebody just standing around, I can find somebody way more attractive than you. Trust me.




- Double E

The Swipe - A guide for the modern man

Look familiar?

When faced with the inevitable task of the swipe, most zombie-brained proletariat just revert to the status quo. People just robotically grab a roll of a few layers of toilet paper like pictured above, without putting any thought into the veritable cornucopia of wiping techniques available to the savvy swiper. Below are some of the options available to you, if you are ready:




THE CONTINENTAL



















AKA: leon(the professional)

This is a high-end swipe for the most discerning of derrieres. Not to be wasted upon the shit-smeared ass of a drunken bum, or the haphazard wiping of a rushed 14 year old hurrying to get back to his video games. This carefully constructed cleanser of cracks is the Rolex of the wiping world. While its compact format makes it not the optimum choice for removing the aftermath of a gut-busting fast-food meal, its unparalleled performance and comfort makes it no wonder why it is the go-to TP configuration of the business class.


THE MUM-RA



















AKA: The Mummy, The Unholy Roller, The 360,

This particular technique is a well-known for its exceptional coverage and protection. A quick and easy set-up and ambidextrous deployment are all the more reason to give this one a try. Well-suited for the messier situations. Where collateral spray and excessive ass-sweat would cause other techniques to fail, the MUM-RA forges onward, easily protecting your hand from fecal matter and stray dingleberries.





THE LAYMAN



















AKA: The Blue-Collar Bushwacker, The Joe schmo

A staple swipe for many decades, the 'Layman' has found its home amongst the less-sophisticated masses. What it lacks in style and sophistication it makes up for in ease of use. From on the roll to on the hole, the Layman has one of the fastest deployment times of any swipe out there. Whether it's half time, tee time, or lunch time, this is the swipe to know for the man on the go.




THE SPARTAN



















AKA: The Cheryl Crow, The Coup De Grace

A wise man once said, "If you don't use enough TP you will get shit all over your hands."
I said that, just now. While never purposefully employed by a sane individual with any concern for crotch cleanliness, this swipe of last resort is sometimes unwillingly foisted upon us in moments of desperation. Don't allow a misguided sense of environmentalism to persuade you to permit this paucity of paper, as it can result in some undesirable klingons, and soiled undergarments. Use with caution. Consider using in conjunction with "The Plan B"


The Dim Mak



















AKA: The Daniel San, The Tong Po, Poophole Punchout, The Master Blaster

When force is required, there is only one place to turn: the Dim Mak. bricks don't hit back, unless you are shitting them, and that is where this power-swipe comes into play. Designed for stubborn clingers, there are few turds this punch can't pulverize. Wax on, wipe off with this serious swipe, and then follow up with a mum-ra for extra clean and peace of mind.



THE OOPSIE DAISY



















AKA: The Toxic Avenger, The Violater, The Hellraiser

Never purposefully employed, this TP faux pas sneaks up on you when you least expect it. A common side effect of weaker swipes like the "Spartan" or a poorly deployed 'Continental', this rip can also result from cheap TP or an extra forceful wipe. The unexpected "Oopsie Daisy" can lead to an unpleasant poophole probing and one downright stinky finger. Immediately reboot with a quick "layman" and a thorough hand washing.


THE TICKLE ME ELMO



















AKA: The Dipstick, The Dr Doom, The Tootsie Roll, Goose,

This deep diving technique is not for the faint of heart or tight of sphincter. This powerful probe will shock your mind and cleanse your colon. Use with caution and discretion. There are many things that can go wrong with this experimental swipe, like stray TP being left behind. There is also the chance you will hate it very much, or worse, like it. Can you live with that? You were warned.



THE ROOMATE REVENGE



















AKA: Unknown

Never designed for its effective cleansing, this unmentionable technique has but one sordid purpose: Filling your enemy's mouth with feces. When a time for subtlety has long passed, and unrepentant revenge is the only dish on the menu, serve it cold with this calculated crime. Assail his mind and body with this unholy assault, but don't forget to finish up with a real wipe.



THE INFIDEL



















AKA: Satan's Swipe, The Grave Digger, The Cro Magnon

A vestige of a time long past when poop was more likely to be flung at an antagonist than flushed down a pipe, the 'Infidel" even still refuses to die. A horrible secret of third-world shitholes (no pun intended) and drug addled bums, this demonic dung-remover is a positively horrifying option. When desperate times call for touching your poopy asshole with a bare hand, you may want to consider just what the hell you are doing with your life. Consider 'The Plan B" before passing the point of no return.



THE PLAN B



















AKA: The Rough Rider, Last Call, Shopping day

When the going gets rough, so does your toilet paper. Although a far cry from the extremes of the "Infidel" this is not a technique for the sensitive of sphincter. A miscalculation in when to do your shopping can result in a panicked look around the bathroom for anything remotely resembling TP. That's when you will find the true value of the written word. After the first painful swipe you may be tempted to abort; this will only leave you with a poopy butt which will get itchy and turn red like a baboon's. It's not worth it, just face the pain and remember to do your shopping. Also, you may want to let the thick pages soak for a while or everybody will wonder why the toilet is overflowing with paper bags and Oprah's book club.



Now you are fully equipped to survive and thrive with aplomb in the harsh environment of the stuffy bathroom. While mere mortals will be relegated to mediocrity and skidmarks, you will be on a higher level. Remember, only warriors get to choose to have improperly wiped butts; everyone else has it forced upon them.



-Double E