Breakroom Fridge 6th Weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Happy Friday everyone,

It is once again time for our weekly break room fridge James Brown “funky” food use-it-or-lose-it nominations. Only the Funkiest of foods make the cut. If you want to give any of these offenders a stay of execution, snatch them up by the end of the day. At close of business I turn it all over to the government, where it is presumably ground to a paste and fed to the elderly (just a guess).

Here are our nominees for the week - as always, taste-testing is encouraged. For science:

1.       This bag of moldy grapes is a lot like congress: there may actually be a couple in the bunch that aren’t rotten, but the rotten ones are so repugnant it’s probably safest to throw out the whole batch and start over. I motion that these funky fruits be removed from office. All in favor, say aye. All opposed, you have to eat the grapes.  

2.        Nasa has announced that the likely presence of water on Mars makes it possible we may find evidence of life. Somebody needs to  tell them to stop wasting their money - there is no need to travel millions of miles to find alien life, because we have some right here in our fridge: These eggs huddled together for warmth seem to have spawned some kind of extraterrestrial fungal flora. Perfect for putting in your bad kid’s stocking for Christmas to save money on coal.

3.       Our third nominee is a bottle of indeterminate contents that reminds me a lot of myself:  Milky white, strangely out of place in an office environment, and a lot older than it looks.  

Those are our nominees for the week, if you think I have harshly misjudged these nominees, let me know, or rescue them by the end of the day.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge 5th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

You know what time it is: It’s time to exorcise the demons lurking in the breakroom fridge. That’s right, it’s the weekly James Brown “funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods get nominated. Any nominees that aren’t rescued by the end of the day ‘Win’ by being disposed of by whatever means necessary.

The haunting specter of semi-public, semi-anonymous shaming has kept the fridge unusually pristine lately, but there are always a few renegades of funk hiding out in there (which is good, because otherwise I would have nothing to write about).

The nominees for this week are:

1.        Our first nominee is a sturdy jug of lake water that has been ‘steeping’ for quite a while. How is tea like dirty lake water? I’m glad you asked! If you are swimming in a lake and accidentally get some of that nice brown water in your mouth, it tastes funky. It is brown because of water and leaves (and fish poop). Which is exactly what tea is – water and leaves (minus the fish poop). Hence, tea is dirty lake water.

2.       Most people think Italians invented pizza, and some think that Americans made it with crappier cheese and a healthy dose of cultural appropriation. But Pizza must have been invented by much earlier civilizations, as this piece is about 3000 years old. Anybody who wants a true relic of history for their collection can snatch this crusty artifact up. There is also a container of what appears to be watermelon, but I couldn’t confirm as the pizza was angry and wouldn’t let me get close enough to verify.

3.       This Styrofoam cup was in the freezer by itself, totally empty except for one small ice cube. I don’t even have anything funny to write about it, it’s just weird.  

Those are our nominations for this week! If these are yours and you think they still have purpose or sentimental value, save them by the end of the day. Any left at close of business will be ritually sacrificed to ensure a bountiful harvest of crops.

Have a great weekend!

- Double E

Breakroom Fridge 4th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for the weekly Use-it or lose-it James Brown ‘funky’ food nominations!  Only the funkiest of foods make the cut. If you recognize one of these items and aren’t ready to part with it, you have until the end of the day to save them from total annihilation!

It’s Deja-food for our nominees this week, as they have been hiding out for a while and have escaped being nominated in weeks past by looking very generic and hiding under even older, funkier foods. Our nominees for this week:

1.        Everybody knows that the bird is the word, but the bird also appears to be the contents of the science experiment in this first Tupperware, which is conveniently divided into two sections so you don’t have to worry about your moldy bean-paste accidentally touching your slimy, fermented chicken leg. We just couldn’t have that, now could we?

2.       When the moon hits your eye like a bigga pizza pie, that’s amore.  But when the smell hits your nose like a sewage fire hose, it just might be the artist formerly known as pasta that’s lurking in this second container.   Open at your own risk. Free ripped plastic bag also included.

If you want to save these foods or their Tupperware, snag them by the end of the day or they will be interned in the earth.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E 

Breakroom Fridge 3rd Weekly Use it or Lose it 'James Brown' nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Once again it’s time for our Weekly James Brown ‘Funky’ Food nominations. If you want to save any of these items from an ignominious end, let me know (or surreptitiously grab them when I’m not looking to hide your shame).

1.       Our first nominee is in a delightful ensemble, rocking  a translucent polypropylene tub paired with a fanciful blue lid, perfect for summer leftovers. But as they say, it’s what on the inside that counts,  and this bloated bean blend needs to return to the earth from whence it came.

2.       They say you shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but you should if he ate any of these old carrots from Tupperware number two! 

Have  Great Weekend everybody! 

-Double E

Breakroom 2nd weekly "Use-it-or-lose-it" James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

It is once again time for the weekly nominations of the James Brown “funky” fresh food fiascos in the breakroom fridge!

If you are the original owner of any of these items and can’t bear to part with them due to nostalgia, rescue them by the end of the day today, otherwise they are sentenced to death! For the crime of being old, smelly, or uncomfortably ambiguous in nature.

This week’s nominations (see picture below):

1.       Vintage Miracle whip, circa Oct/2011

2.       Merry Christmas 2013! This Bottle of French dressing from Dec two years ago is a little late to the party.

3.       Do you want the appearance of having mustard, but only want to get rude noises when you squeeze the bottle? Then these deceptive residue-coated-yet-empty bottles of mustard are just what you need. Hiding in plain sight since 3/13

4.       They say you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but this vinaigrette from 4/2012 would beg to differ!

5.       Get out your political fliers, because this bottle of Mesquite marinade is almost old enough to vote!

6.       The spring chicken of the group, this blue cheese dressing only expired a mere month ago!

7.       One to-go packet of Wendy’s sour cream. Baked potato not included.

8.       Although Activia is supposed to get things moving, you may get more than you bargained for with these blueberry bonanzas from 11/12 and 8/13!

9.       Great value yogurt – expired 4 months and counting

10.   I bet if we ignore this applesauce from 1/14 for just a few more months, we can have a nice batch of prison wine! Science!

If you want to grant any of these offenders a stay of execution, grab them before close of business today. Then I am casting them into the fires of mount doom, the only place they can be destroyed.

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge James Brown Use-it-or-lose-it Nominations - Week 1

***At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays, and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

The Fiscal team is responsible for cleaning the break room on Fridays, and we're going to start getting rid 

of any food in the fridge that could be classified as being in the 'James Brown' category (it's funky).

I'll send out a picture earlier in the day of the nominees, and if it's yours and you don't want it thrown away, 

or you want the container back, just let me know.

See the attached picture for our first weekly 'James Brown' nominees for the chopping block:

1. What looks like $2.27 worth of a 5-dollar footlong
2. McD's fossilized sausage egg and cheese biscuit
3.  a scoatch of dried out cheese (a scoatch is a tad between a smidgen and a pinch)
4. Semi-composted edamame in a mercifully airtight Tupperware
5. block of yellow fruit-like substance served in its own juices

If nobody claims them they are getting disposed of at COB today (I'll save the Tupperware). 

-Double E  

Things that I hate #2: Pandas

Pandas are the lamest creatures I have thought about lately. They are technically big powerful bears,  but they somehow even manage to gay that up by eating leaves and shit. They are 400 pounds with fangs and claws and would rather eat leaves. And they are even too prissy to eat just any leaves. It has to be their favorite leaves or they would rather just die. Reminds me of a 5 year not wanting to eat his vegetables. Except the 5 year old is lying when they say they would rather starve. Not the pandas. Pandas opted for a Gandhi style hunger strike against nature and have been losing miserably.

And to top it all off they don't even like having sex, and they have to be shown how to do it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9932362/Panda-porn-shown-in-attempt-to-get-two-to-mate.html

The only good thing pandas ever do is attack people who try to hug them. Although if they had built up a more badass rep people wouldn't try to hug them to begin with. You don't see people trying to hug Grizzlies, do you? Or even black bears? Shit, people don't even try to hug raccoons and squirrels for God's sake. Pandas just seem like such pussies people assume they can get away with it.

I'm sick of people acting like it would be such a big deal if panda's went extinct. When was the last time you heard about Panda's doing anything worthwhile? All I ever hear about is how a bunch of time, effort, and money is being invested into trying to make them simply survive.

I would rather have $14 than have pandas still existing.

And it would probably help them too, as people tend to only remember the good things about you after you are gone, sort of how people only say nice things about you at your funeral.

Look at the dodo bird. Its the ugliest looking thing ever, and it's the animal that being completely fucking retarded is named after, and yet now that it's extinct all you ever hear about is how sad it is that there are no more of them. Like what the world is really missing today is a big dumbass ugly bird.

So the best thing pandas can do for their reputation is to go extinct, before its too late.

-Double E