Here are some more guidelines for you mortals to follow when I become rightful ruler of this planet:
I. Bathrooms. There are a lot of things wrong with public bathrooms.
1. All urinals will be based on my height. right now urinals are either 6 inches off the ground and might as well just be a drain in the floor, or they are so tall you have to stand on your toes and drape your sack over the edge just to use it.
2. Speaking of urinals, spend the extra 5 dollars and make the walls between them more than a foot tall. The ones they have now are the equivalent of Nicolas Cage's hair: nobody is fooled, and you can see a lot of bare flesh.
3. Stall doors will only open outward. I don't know why they feel it's necessary to make a stall the size of a medicine cabinet and have the door open INTO it, so you have to stand on the toilet to close the door. WRONG ANSWER. I am tired of having to perform circus magic to get in and out of bathroom stalls. Some people don't have precious seconds to spare when trying to use the bathroom. Hey, do what you want, but you are the ones who will be cleaning shit off the walls.
More to follow, peasants.
- Double E
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
So let it be written, so let it be done
Everybody knows that rules and laws are stupid, and I have a glorious history of ignoring absurd ones. But the rest of the people on this planet are not nearly as awesome as I am, and so there is all sorts of shit they are doing that they just need to stop. Mostly because it bothers me, which means it's wrong.
So when I take my rightful place as Grand Pompous Overlord of the planet, there are a few rules I am going to institute:
I. No drinking soup out of a thermos
I have no explanation for this one, but it creeps me out and it needs to stop.
II. Grocery stores need to get their shit together and stop insulting me
1. No lame sale announcements. I was in Publix and saw a sign above one of their lame products that said "surprisingly low price!". Bitch, you tell me what the price is, and I'll let you know if I'm surprised.
2. No green bags. These stores will need to get rid of the retarded "green" grocery bags that people use to feel like they are saving the environment, then stuff with 40lbs of hohos and ding dongs and lunchables whose combined packaging material could choke a flock of seagulls. And I mean the band, not the birds (the birds seem to choke rather easily on plastic so it's not that impressive of an analogy).
Right now in India, some kid is riding a motorized rickshaw that blasts as much smog as an iron smelting factory, and people are worried about a special bag to hold their Greenwise yogurt and sprouts.
3. Every store should have candy and cakes at the end of an obstacle course so the fatties either choose not to buy it, get exercise, or die.
4. Carts will be tracked vehicles with a dump-truck bed, and controlled with two sticks like big lawnmowers and bumper cars. (the tracks give you a zero-turning radius, eliminate that one shaky wheel carts always have, and let you run over stray soup cans and babies who fall out of their carts)
5. Women are only allowed to shop in workout clothes or pajamas. (This may already be a law)
6. They must take any coupons I give them. Even if they are expired, for the wrong product, or I drew them on the back of a placemat with a crayon.
7. Approx 1 of 34 food cans will have a one of those big fake spring-snakes in it. Or a dead bird.
I'm tired I will come up with more rules for you mortals to follow later.
- Double E
So when I take my rightful place as Grand Pompous Overlord of the planet, there are a few rules I am going to institute:
I. No drinking soup out of a thermos
I have no explanation for this one, but it creeps me out and it needs to stop.
II. Grocery stores need to get their shit together and stop insulting me
1. No lame sale announcements. I was in Publix and saw a sign above one of their lame products that said "surprisingly low price!". Bitch, you tell me what the price is, and I'll let you know if I'm surprised.
2. No green bags. These stores will need to get rid of the retarded "green" grocery bags that people use to feel like they are saving the environment, then stuff with 40lbs of hohos and ding dongs and lunchables whose combined packaging material could choke a flock of seagulls. And I mean the band, not the birds (the birds seem to choke rather easily on plastic so it's not that impressive of an analogy).
Right now in India, some kid is riding a motorized rickshaw that blasts as much smog as an iron smelting factory, and people are worried about a special bag to hold their Greenwise yogurt and sprouts.
3. Every store should have candy and cakes at the end of an obstacle course so the fatties either choose not to buy it, get exercise, or die.
4. Carts will be tracked vehicles with a dump-truck bed, and controlled with two sticks like big lawnmowers and bumper cars. (the tracks give you a zero-turning radius, eliminate that one shaky wheel carts always have, and let you run over stray soup cans and babies who fall out of their carts)
5. Women are only allowed to shop in workout clothes or pajamas. (This may already be a law)
6. They must take any coupons I give them. Even if they are expired, for the wrong product, or I drew them on the back of a placemat with a crayon.
7. Approx 1 of 34 food cans will have a one of those big fake spring-snakes in it. Or a dead bird.
I'm tired I will come up with more rules for you mortals to follow later.
- Double E
Monday, September 14, 2009
Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the sidewalks....
Sometimes really bizarre things that we all thought were dead for good turn up and rock our world, and make us re-evaluate our knowledge.; like the coelacanth.
Some of these discoveries are pleasant, and bring joy and smiles to the scientific community; like the coelacanth.
But other things that we thought were long dead, and feared could hurt our children, resurface and rock our world, making us question everything we believe.
Things like ......rollerblading?
I know, I thought this was dead too, but in the last 30 days I have seen no less than 3 people on rollerblades. In public! 3 may not seem like a lot until you consider that the last time I saw somebody using rollerblades was a picture on the back of a Pog in like 1993.
Seriously, did someone just wake up one day and think, "This is getting out of control. I am just way, WAY to cool. the only way to deal with this is to be seen in public using rollerblades, with a moderate degree of skill that suggests I actually partake in this outdated fad on a semi-regular basis."
Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they said.
- Double E
P.S. I have no idea if the being in that picture is male or female, so don't ask. The smooth supple skin, shapely thighs, and high-waisted cut-off jean shorts suggest female. But the creature's version of a head/face thing suggests something otherworldly. Or French.
Some of these discoveries are pleasant, and bring joy and smiles to the scientific community; like the coelacanth.
But other things that we thought were long dead, and feared could hurt our children, resurface and rock our world, making us question everything we believe.
Things like ......rollerblading?
I know, I thought this was dead too, but in the last 30 days I have seen no less than 3 people on rollerblades. In public! 3 may not seem like a lot until you consider that the last time I saw somebody using rollerblades was a picture on the back of a Pog in like 1993.
Seriously, did someone just wake up one day and think, "This is getting out of control. I am just way, WAY to cool. the only way to deal with this is to be seen in public using rollerblades, with a moderate degree of skill that suggests I actually partake in this outdated fad on a semi-regular basis."
Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they said.
- Double E
P.S. I have no idea if the being in that picture is male or female, so don't ask. The smooth supple skin, shapely thighs, and high-waisted cut-off jean shorts suggest female. But the creature's version of a head/face thing suggests something otherworldly. Or French.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
The Truth About Swine Flu
A while ago I wrote about bird flu and gave a lot of truth to a lot of people. You're welcome. Now the animal kingdom has a new test for me, and the rest of mankind: Swine flu.
Don't confuse this with "Swine-fu", a form of martial arts characterized by overwhelming your opponent with bodily stench and a love for semi-rancid vegetables.
Swine flu originated in Mexico, which is probably where a lot of other diseases originated too. Pigs never cover their mouths when they sneeze, so most likely the devil got in them and is trying to kill people.
Well, I've got news for you hog-faces: its going to take a lot more than a runny nose, fever, and fatal pneumonia to keep me from eating your delicious rib meat.
So before you pink pig bastards spit up any more bloody sputum on us, just remember one thing:
-Double E
Don't confuse this with "Swine-fu", a form of martial arts characterized by overwhelming your opponent with bodily stench and a love for semi-rancid vegetables.
Swine flu originated in Mexico, which is probably where a lot of other diseases originated too. Pigs never cover their mouths when they sneeze, so most likely the devil got in them and is trying to kill people.
Well, I've got news for you hog-faces: its going to take a lot more than a runny nose, fever, and fatal pneumonia to keep me from eating your delicious rib meat.
So before you pink pig bastards spit up any more bloody sputum on us, just remember one thing:
-Double E
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Nothing is bigger than my printer.
I just purchased a printer that is the probably the largest electrical device in existence. It has smaller printers orbiting it. When I moved it from Walmart to my house it affected the tides. When I opened it up I expected to find a smaller printer inside, with an even smaller printer inside of that one. I thought the box was unusually big when i was buying it, but when I got it out it was even bigger than the box.
If printer technology had kept up with cell phones and computers, it would somehow be even smaller than the sheets of paper it was printing on. Instead it is larger than the forest the paper trees come from.
Looking at it right now, I want to throw a table cloth over it and host a banquet for visiting dignitaries.
If my apartment was hit by a tornado right now, I would climb inside my printer for safety. In fact, with this printer I don't even need an apt.
I walked around the side of my printer to plug in the cable and I got lost.
It didn't even come with an instruction booklet; Just a map.
I put in an entire ream of fresh paper and it just laughed at me.
Apparently God CAN make a rock so big that even he can't lift it-it's called my printer.
-Double E
If printer technology had kept up with cell phones and computers, it would somehow be even smaller than the sheets of paper it was printing on. Instead it is larger than the forest the paper trees come from.
Looking at it right now, I want to throw a table cloth over it and host a banquet for visiting dignitaries.
If my apartment was hit by a tornado right now, I would climb inside my printer for safety. In fact, with this printer I don't even need an apt.
I walked around the side of my printer to plug in the cable and I got lost.
It didn't even come with an instruction booklet; Just a map.
I put in an entire ream of fresh paper and it just laughed at me.
Apparently God CAN make a rock so big that even he can't lift it-it's called my printer.
-Double E
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
25 facts about me you are better off not knowing
Don't let the title deceive you; you are only better off not knowing because the more you learn about me the more you will realize how worthless and weak you are. You will rend your garments and gnash your teeth, and beat your children for not being like me.
Moving on. By request:
25 Amazing and true facts about me
1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).
2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.
3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)
4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.
5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.
6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).
7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.
8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).
9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".
10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.
11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.
12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.
13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).
14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.
15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.
16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com
17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.
18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.
19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.
20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.
21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.
22. I watch every UFC.
23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.
24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.
25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.
*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)
-Double E
Moving on. By request:
25 Amazing and true facts about me
1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).
2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.
3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)
4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.
5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.
6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).
7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.
8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).
9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".
10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.
11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.
12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.
13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).
14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.
15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.
16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com
17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.
18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.
19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.
20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.
21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.
22. I watch every UFC.
23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.
24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.
25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.
*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)
-Double E
Thursday, February 05, 2009
If I push it any harder the whole thing will blow!
I recently had to go through a period of military training that was several months long. At the end of the class I was ranked 8/55 in terms of overall performance. Now this is nothing to write home about until you consider my level of apathy.
Yes, you may call me master.
-Double E
Yes, you may call me master.
-Double E
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