Breakroom Fridge James Brown Use-it-or-lose-it Nominations - Week 1

***At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays, and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

The Fiscal team is responsible for cleaning the break room on Fridays, and we're going to start getting rid 

of any food in the fridge that could be classified as being in the 'James Brown' category (it's funky).

I'll send out a picture earlier in the day of the nominees, and if it's yours and you don't want it thrown away, 

or you want the container back, just let me know.

See the attached picture for our first weekly 'James Brown' nominees for the chopping block:

1. What looks like $2.27 worth of a 5-dollar footlong
2. McD's fossilized sausage egg and cheese biscuit
3.  a scoatch of dried out cheese (a scoatch is a tad between a smidgen and a pinch)
4. Semi-composted edamame in a mercifully airtight Tupperware
5. block of yellow fruit-like substance served in its own juices

If nobody claims them they are getting disposed of at COB today (I'll save the Tupperware). 

-Double E  

Things that I hate #2: Pandas

Pandas are the lamest creatures I have thought about lately. They are technically big powerful bears,  but they somehow even manage to gay that up by eating leaves and shit. They are 400 pounds with fangs and claws and would rather eat leaves. And they are even too prissy to eat just any leaves. It has to be their favorite leaves or they would rather just die. Reminds me of a 5 year not wanting to eat his vegetables. Except the 5 year old is lying when they say they would rather starve. Not the pandas. Pandas opted for a Gandhi style hunger strike against nature and have been losing miserably.

And to top it all off they don't even like having sex, and they have to be shown how to do it.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/9932362/Panda-porn-shown-in-attempt-to-get-two-to-mate.html

The only good thing pandas ever do is attack people who try to hug them. Although if they had built up a more badass rep people wouldn't try to hug them to begin with. You don't see people trying to hug Grizzlies, do you? Or even black bears? Shit, people don't even try to hug raccoons and squirrels for God's sake. Pandas just seem like such pussies people assume they can get away with it.

I'm sick of people acting like it would be such a big deal if panda's went extinct. When was the last time you heard about Panda's doing anything worthwhile? All I ever hear about is how a bunch of time, effort, and money is being invested into trying to make them simply survive.

I would rather have $14 than have pandas still existing.

And it would probably help them too, as people tend to only remember the good things about you after you are gone, sort of how people only say nice things about you at your funeral.

Look at the dodo bird. Its the ugliest looking thing ever, and it's the animal that being completely fucking retarded is named after, and yet now that it's extinct all you ever hear about is how sad it is that there are no more of them. Like what the world is really missing today is a big dumbass ugly bird.

So the best thing pandas can do for their reputation is to go extinct, before its too late.

-Double E

Things that I hate - Zooey Deschanel

1. Zooey Deschanel

Every once in a while you'll come across something that everybody is excited about, for no good reason, and you'll have no idea why because it sucks. Like POGS. Pogs were the gayest toy ever. They were also a terrible business model because you can't patent a cardboard milk cap. Predictably Pogs are now less than worthless, and serve only to remind us how occasionally people get excited over things with no intrinsic value.

Speaking of things with no intrinsic value, what's up with Zooey Deschanel? She is the human equivalent of one of those faded Pogs you will occasionally find in a parking lot, all faded and frayed from moisture and mashed into the pavement so one side is all dimpled like a golf ball.

And just like that Pog, she serves no purpose except to make me think, "Oh yeah, people like the dumbest shit sometimes."

She looks like a Hobbit wench and even her name is retarded; Zoo-ey. She would probably tell you it is pronounced ZO-EE, but she would be wrong. Zoey is pronounced ZO-EE. Zooey is pronounced ZOO-EE. Get mad at your parents, not me. I only speak the truth.

Like Sean Bean. It has to be pronounced either SHON BON or SEEN BĒĒN. Dude can't have it both ways, he needs to pick one. But I digress.

She has stupid hipster ratnest hair with sideburns that make it look like she should be selling diamonds in New York City

"Oh, chai there, ZOOOOEY!!"

She has weird buggy eyes and talks in the most grating, lilting way that sounds like a robot GPS lady, but not as hot (I always use the one with the Australian accent). 

She also always has the most ghoulish grin/grimace (grinmace?) plastered on her face, that when combined with her buggy eyes makes it seem like she just shat her pants and is trying to act normal until she finds an inconspicuous excuse to leave.

"It's..........so warm."

The worst part is when I sometimes see a picture of her out of the corner of my eye and think, "WTF happened to Katy Perry?"  Then seconds later I find out the horrible truth and am forced to apologize to Katy Perry and punch myself in the balls as penance.

 

NAY                                                             YAY!





I am not alone. Some choice selections from the interwebs:

"She's a fucking ugly, annoying cunt. I saw her in Yes Man and that scene where she's singing and shaking her head side to side pissed me off so much. She's a cunt, and I hate her."

"I wish her and only her all the harm in the world. My bottomless loathing of this sub human cretin is only equaled by my desire to see her impaled on a 15 foot tall metal spike "

"I find her attractive. Is there something wrong with me?"

"Yes, you don't know what you want. In a few years you'll hate yourself for finding her attractive.

"What kind of name is "Zooey Deschanel"? She should be forced to change her fucking name. After she gets her head shaved and a good raping."

"i would fuck her but thats not saying much."

"I fucking hate Zooey Deschanel.

Her lame movies, her pathetic singing carreer, and all the other actresses that try to look like her or visa versa. 

She’s not cute, she’s annoying as fuck, and needs to be hit by a school bus full of children and die. 

The end."

Oh, Internet. You are always so good to me.


-Double E

Winter is totally gay

(Not that kind of gay)

When I was a kid I used to think it would be super cool to live in a frozen wasteland where nobody else was badass enough to tread, killing polar bears with knife-spears and traversing glaciers with souped-up snowmobiles.

But now I am much wiser in the ways of the world, and I know that would totally suck. When you have to take preventative measures just to make sure your ass doesn't adhere to a toilet seat, you are not going to be having much fun the rest of the day either. Or 5 seconds later, when your rock-hard popsicle-turd splashes 40 degree water on your cornhole.

But even here in Florida, winter is pretty gay, and it's not even cold.

Women use winter as a bizarre excuse to stop shaving their legs.

"Oh it's winter, I don't have to shave my legs any more tee hee".

That makes about as much sense as saying "Oh it's winter, I can stop showering now. Nobody will be able to smell me because I have this big coat on."

"Winter is here everybody, no reason to keep brushing your teeth or combing your hair!"

"I'm so glad winter is here, now I can just take dust baths instead of using water and cleaning products."

RETARDED.

        Literally the only good thing about winter is that I don't have to mow my lawn. I can just let it die like nature intended and have total plausible deniability.

-Double E

HOLY SHIT - 116yr-old person dies

    A few weeks ago I ate an entire package of celery in one sitting just to see if I could. Spoiler: I could. Was this intriguing endeavor featured in the news? No, and neither was the fact that 2 hours later I shat out pure compost that smelled so rich and bucolic that I wanted to just sit in a rocking chair and sip moonshine whilst peppering local kids with birdshot for straying too close to my property line.

So what stories of international significance so gripped the world that these truly newsworthy happenings would be (if not for this bastion of truth) swept under the proverbial rug, lost to posterity forever?

"Woman, 116, listed as 'world's oldest' dies in Ga."

www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2012/12/04/woman-world-oldest/1747175/

        This is news? When you are 116 years old dying is the only thing you can do by yourself. It would make more sense to have a new headline every day somebody this old DOESN'T die. Look at that picture; I can't even tell if it was taken before or after she died. I have the entire internet to get through, I can't be bogged down with 'news' like this.

More newsworthy stories would have been:

- World's oldest person uses internet
- World's oldest person rips out burglar's still-beating heart with bare hands
- World's oldest person gets free t-shirt after eating 100 hot wings
- World's oldest person finds world's oldest toilet paper stuck to their shoe
- World's oldest person shouts "They are already among us!" and immediately explodes into cloud of vapor



 - Double E

Breaking News: Arnold Schwarzenegger probably won't take his shirt off in his next movie

From Reuters:

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks drama for comeback

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Arnold Schwarzenegger has zeroed in on the film that will mark his return to the big screen: "Cry Macho," a drama about a down-on-his-luck horse trainer who is hired to kidnap a 9-year-old boy.

Filming is set to begin in September. Brad Furman ("The Lincoln Lawyer") will direct. Producer Al Ruddy, an Oscar winner for both "The Godfather" and "Million Dollar Baby," has been nurturing the project for years.

"I guarantee that you'll get another look at Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie," Ruddy said. "Arnold always plays these big muscular guys, but there's a sweetness to Arnold in real life, and we want to bring that sweetness to the screen. "

I think what he meant to say is,

"Arnold is getting really old, and nobody wants to see his hairy bitch-tits. So instead we have to leave his shirt on and are forced to use an arcane film-making technique known as a 'story'"





- Double E

4 Things you should never post pictures of on the Internet

I realize that your life is just oh-so interesting, and I'm sure everyone on the planet appreciates your altruistic decision to share the intricacies of your existence. However, there are (at least) 4 things that you should never post pictures or videos of, online or elsewhere. I am telling you this for your own good. Mostly for my good, but it will help people hate you less, so it's for your good too.


1. Your newborn baby

Let's be honest here, newborn babies look like writhing, flaccid, penises. I would rather fellate a shit-covered cactus than have to look at another baby picture. They can't even hold their own heads up, let alone do anything interesting. If I want to see the ugly side of the circle of life I can just watch videos of lions tearing apart sickly wildebeests. Get back to me when the kid is old enough to fail badly at doing mundane things. Put that on video and I may tune in. (but only to laugh, not to care).

2. Your new Tattoo

I understand that you are super excited about your super fresh tattoo of...whatever the hell it is..., but since you are stuck with it until at least a few years AFTER you die (and 60 years after it stops being cool), you can at least do us all a favor and wait like ONE day until its not all puffy, red, scabby and covered with greasy lotion. If I can't tell if you have a dragon tattoo or a raging case of arm-herpes, you're doing it wrong. So relax, time is on your side with this one.

3. Your wedding

No matter how cool, unique, and original you think your wedding/reception/honeymoon is, it will still be 95% similar to every single other wedding on the face of the planet.

Did your wedding feature,
Monkey butlers?
Strippers? (female)
Feats of strength? (carrying you across the threshold doesn't count)
Impromptu turf war with another nearby wedding party?
Ted Nugent?
Motorized...anything?

Didn't think so. MOVE ALONG.

I wouldn't put your wedding pictures in the bottom of a bird cage, just because of the off-chance the bird might flap around and flip one over and I would have to see it for an entire second.


4. Your lame vacation

The only acceptable pictures that should be posted online of vacations include:
1. Feats of strength
2. Things that elevate your status above the wretched masses
3. Proof of wicked, depraved, or otherwise sordidly impressive acts that would otherwise be dismissed by your friends as fanciful stories.

Notice this list did NOT include an album of 1365 pictures of you standing on a beach, ordering from a restaurant, looking out an airplane window, sitting in your hotel room, on a subway, your feet (seriously?), statues, etc. If you have so many pictures of the same lame scene that you can make a working flip book, then you are wasting my time, as usual.

If a nearby parents don't gasp and cover their children's eyes when your vacation pictures pop up, don't bother.

If I want to look at pictures of somebody just standing around, I can find somebody way more attractive than you. Trust me.




- Double E