Las Vegas Adventures #7 - The people of Vons

Vons is a local grocery store that has been the location of a few ....interesting...encounters.

This is the latest:

A woman checking out in front of me is trying to figure out some sort of digital coupon, and a crusty old hag behind me is getting increasing grumpy and muttering under her breath about how ridiculous she finds it that she has to wait an extra 2 or 3 minutes. When the lady in front of me is leaving, the following conversation takes place:

HAG: *to cashier* "You really should have a separate line for people with coupons!"

ME: "Get ready, I have a bunch too" *I brandish my fat stack of coupons with a flawless spring flourish - see fig. 1)*

Fig. 1

HAG: "Ugh! They really should have a separate line to accomodate...**unintelligible harumph-ing**"

ME: "Don't act like you have anything better to do"

HAG: "I...I DO!"

ME: "You wouldn't be here if you did"

HAG: **stares haggedly**




Thus ended my latest Von's encounter.

Las Vegas Adventures #6 - The life and times of Bubble Boy

   Those of you who know me are aware that I am a degenerate gambler (I'm good at gambling, the degeneracy is a separate issue). So obviously I have indulged in a couple good old fashioned no-limit Texas holdem tournaments since I have been here in Vegas.

For you philistines out there who don't appreciate gambling culture, a poker tournament is a lot like life - everybody pays to participate, struggles to beat everyone else by any means necessary, and a small percentage end up with all money in the end.

Usually 10% or so of the people who enter get money. In a poker tournament the last spot before the paying positions start is called "the bubble". Despite being close enough to molest the money, whoever gets eliminated on the bubble gets nothing. Because poker is real life, and close only counts for horseshoes, hand grenades, and restraining order violations.

In the two tournaments I have played so far, I have placed 7th out of 45, and 6th out of 38th. These two tournaments paid out the top 5 and 4 places, respectively.

So while I didn't technically go out on the bubble, to paraphrase Bill Shakespeare, "a fart by any other name would smell as shitty"

To be sure, making it that deep in two multi-table tournaments in a row is indicative of some solid poker skills. But going deep in a tourney yet not cashing out is like fighting a bear for 30 minutes - It's very impressive, but at the end you're still dead inside.

Las Vegas Adventures - #5

      I've fielded lots of questions lately about why I wanted to move to Vegas, and as I've explained before, I have my reasons, and at least 30% of them have nothing to do with casinos or strip clubs. One of the main reasons is an unquenchable thirst for adventures. So it only seems fair to regale you all with the stories of my deeds, triumphant and disastrous alike, so you can wish you were me (or be glad you aren't, whatever the case may be). 

     You may have noticed that I'm starting with adventure # 5, instead of 1. That's because, as anybody who has watched Reservoir Dogs knows, its more fun to do things out of order. And also because some of my great stories should be reserved for my fans who send nudes. Which hasn't happened yet.....apparently people think I'm joking.......Anyway.

    This adventure begins on my morning stroll, where I was marching down the sunny streets using my patented technique for instant happiness (I can't give everything away, but it involves listening to happy music, grinning like an idiot, and bombastically strutting like you're a billionaire with kettlebells for balls - see Fig 1). It works, trust me. Science. 

Fig. 1

So there I am minding my own business, just trying to absorb the limitless power of the universe, and a car slowly pulls up beside me, and starts honking its horn repeatedly. When this happens a few thoughts went through my mind: 

1. If some foolish fuckers try to roll me I am gonna bust out a Chuck Norris flying double kick, wrecking their car and their feeble ribcages. see fig. 2

Fig. 2

2. Am I about to be objectified and street harassed? If somebody calls me sweetheart or comments on my fabulous glutes, I might literally not be able to even. 

3. Maybe something really cool is about to happen, that I don't even know about. 

Unfortunately, none of those things transpired. Instead I turn around to see two old asian ladies in a car staring at me, simultaneously imploring and impatient. 

As I slowly remove my $3.99 Walmart headphones, I think "this outta be good.." but I honestly can't come up with any ideas for what they possibly could want. 

The driver leans over and asks me "you know where is Costco" 

It was more of a statement than a question, spoken like I was keeping her personal info prisoner, and should hand it over. 

At this point I am not at all thinking about how to answer the question, and am instead thinking what train of thought has to transpire to make somebody honk at a random runner on the street, in a city of 2 million people, to ask where the Costco is. I have no answers. IS there even a Costco?

What I wanted to say was: (See Fig. 3)

Fig. 3

Instead I used up pretty much all the politeness I have in the morning and told them "I just moved here, I don't know where anything is."

Then I added, with as much emphasis as possible to make it known that this is a suggestion instead of just a statement, " I use GPS to find out where everything is."

Normally I'm not that passive aggressive and would just say "why don't you use GPS?", but I figure with the driving I've seen so far from other old asian ladies, I should consider my self lucky they didn't accidentally pin me to a telephone pole when trying to stop, so I decided to pay it forward.

After I said that, they both just looked at me for a second, and just when I though they were about to drive off, and my ordeal would be over and I could get back to building my power levels, she narrows her eyes and says "What the address?" 

See Fig. 4

Fig. 4

I pretty much just gave them that look until they drove off.

Stay tuned for more adventures, like the time I went to a Chinese restaurant that was probably a money laundering operation for Triad gangs. (I swear the adventures don't all involved asian people. )

- Double E

Breakroom Fridge 7th Weekly 'Use-it-or-Lose-it' James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

It is once again time for our weekly James Brown ‘Funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods make the cut. If you feel any of these have been nominated in error, you can save them from the chopping block. Any nominees left at the end of the day will be sent to Hormel where it is turned into Spam.

We only have two nominees for today:

1.        Our first nominee is only a few weeks old, but I keep seeing it in there, peeking out from behind some tupperwares, taunting me.  It appears to be a free sample from Chik-Fil-A that somebody took from the mall and saved for later. A meal this small should be thrown away on principle, as it would just make you angry anyway. 

2.        I’m also not sure exactly how old our second nominee is , but this jar has been around for a while and is haunting my dreams. Whatever is in there I think is about to hatch and will kill us all.

That’s all we have for this week, as the fridge has been pretty clean lately. If you want to save either of these offenders let me know, or sneak into the breakroom and snatch it. Any nominees left at the end of the day will be disposed of with extreme prejudice.

 I also have a bunch of Tupperware from previous nominees, and next week I will be releasing them back into the wild. So if you are missing one, stay tuned.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

Breakroom Fridge 7th Weekly 'Use-it-or-Lose-it' James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Tis the season for the weekly James Brown “Funky” food Nominations. Bringing you the best of the worst in the breakroom fridge since slightly earlier in 2014. Only the funkiest of foods make the list. If you want to save any of these things let me know (or secretly snatch them before the end of the day) or else they will be bronzed and stored in a museum as a warning to future civilizations.

Here are our nominees for this week:

1.       One squeeze(ed) bottle of Chocolate Hell. It was previously chocolate shell, but not after this much time.

2.       Note: If you are going to leave severed fingers lying around to get ransom money, you have to leave a note on where to put the money. There is also a chance these are just old, half-eaten sausages. Either way, there is nothing but sorrow in this bag. The only proof of life you’ll get from this nominee is the copious bacterial growth.

3.       I was having difficulty figuring out what our 3^rd item was, but I finally got it. And I feel stupid because it was super obvious and staring me right in the face the whole time: It is most certainly an ice-core sample taken from a frozen wooly mammoth carcass. The real mystery is how did they fit it in the Nestle bottle.  Tell me, HOW?!

4.       My talk of prison wine a while back has inspired somebody to make a festive watermelon sangria. Artfully brewed with the potent combination of Anoxia, fruit, and neglect. Perfect for Birthdays, corporate parties, or going blind.  

5.       Free mini Tupperware! *

*Also includes really old cream cheese that smells like poo-gas

-          Have an awesome weekend everybody! Don’t do anything I wouldn't do!

-Double E 

Breakroom Fridge 6th Weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

Happy Friday everyone,

It is once again time for our weekly break room fridge James Brown “funky” food use-it-or-lose-it nominations. Only the Funkiest of foods make the cut. If you want to give any of these offenders a stay of execution, snatch them up by the end of the day. At close of business I turn it all over to the government, where it is presumably ground to a paste and fed to the elderly (just a guess).

Here are our nominees for the week - as always, taste-testing is encouraged. For science:

1.       This bag of moldy grapes is a lot like congress: there may actually be a couple in the bunch that aren’t rotten, but the rotten ones are so repugnant it’s probably safest to throw out the whole batch and start over. I motion that these funky fruits be removed from office. All in favor, say aye. All opposed, you have to eat the grapes.  

2.        Nasa has announced that the likely presence of water on Mars makes it possible we may find evidence of life. Somebody needs to  tell them to stop wasting their money - there is no need to travel millions of miles to find alien life, because we have some right here in our fridge: These eggs huddled together for warmth seem to have spawned some kind of extraterrestrial fungal flora. Perfect for putting in your bad kid’s stocking for Christmas to save money on coal.

3.       Our third nominee is a bottle of indeterminate contents that reminds me a lot of myself:  Milky white, strangely out of place in an office environment, and a lot older than it looks.  

Those are our nominees for the week, if you think I have harshly misjudged these nominees, let me know, or rescue them by the end of the day.

Have a fun weekend everybody!

-Double E

Breakroom Fridge 5th weekly James Brown Nominations

*** At my current job there is a communal breakroom fridge where people abandon all manner of food to fester and rot. My department is tasked with cleaning out the breakroom on Fridays , and so to clear out the dead weight I instituted the now-infamous Friday Breakroom Fridge Emails. Everybody said I should share them, so here they are***

You know what time it is: It’s time to exorcise the demons lurking in the breakroom fridge. That’s right, it’s the weekly James Brown “funky” food nominations. Only the funkiest of foods get nominated. Any nominees that aren’t rescued by the end of the day ‘Win’ by being disposed of by whatever means necessary.

The haunting specter of semi-public, semi-anonymous shaming has kept the fridge unusually pristine lately, but there are always a few renegades of funk hiding out in there (which is good, because otherwise I would have nothing to write about).

The nominees for this week are:

1.        Our first nominee is a sturdy jug of lake water that has been ‘steeping’ for quite a while. How is tea like dirty lake water? I’m glad you asked! If you are swimming in a lake and accidentally get some of that nice brown water in your mouth, it tastes funky. It is brown because of water and leaves (and fish poop). Which is exactly what tea is – water and leaves (minus the fish poop). Hence, tea is dirty lake water.

2.       Most people think Italians invented pizza, and some think that Americans made it with crappier cheese and a healthy dose of cultural appropriation. But Pizza must have been invented by much earlier civilizations, as this piece is about 3000 years old. Anybody who wants a true relic of history for their collection can snatch this crusty artifact up. There is also a container of what appears to be watermelon, but I couldn’t confirm as the pizza was angry and wouldn’t let me get close enough to verify.

3.       This Styrofoam cup was in the freezer by itself, totally empty except for one small ice cube. I don’t even have anything funny to write about it, it’s just weird.  

Those are our nominations for this week! If these are yours and you think they still have purpose or sentimental value, save them by the end of the day. Any left at close of business will be ritually sacrificed to ensure a bountiful harvest of crops.

Have a great weekend!

- Double E