Another terrorist plot

Because of the recently thwarted terrorist plots, security has been increased dramatically at all major airports, and terroritst have been ever more creative in their attempts. Immediately after the capture of this latest round of terrorists, another attempt was discovered in which terrorists planned to detonate a plane full of passengers with this baby's explosive flatulence:

The plot was discovered when 3 middle eastern men were witnessed buying 1000 cans of Gerbers Sauer Kraut. Police investigated until they discovered evidence of the nefarious plot. Among this evidence was the above picture, which was originally thought to be a leaked picture of Seal and Heidi Klum's new baby. After the true plot was discovered, the men were arrested and the bomb squad took the baby to their facility in the desert and safely detonated it.




-Eric

Fabulous

Recent headlines in all major newspapers have all mentioned Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Big surprise. Just recently however, another celebrity has made a stunning announcement about his sexuality. This morning Carson Kressly, who gained notoriety as the flamboyant homo on "Queer Eye", was inspired by Lance Bass, and made a shocking admission: He's straight.

"Come on guys, " said Kressly "Nobody is THAT gay."

The famous fashion guru said he felt liberated, and he's just being true to himself.

"I was born this way. I just encountered so much prejudice in the fashion biz that I felt I had to conform. Nobody believes that a straight man can be good at fashion, and that's just wrong. I mean, look at this shirt, Does that look gay to you? Oh, wait, I thought I was wearing the blue one. This one is kinda gay."

While some people applaud his courage, his costars are not pleased, and claimed:

"His fashion sense always sucked anyways. We had our suspicions he was batting for the other team ever since he accidentally made that comment about Jessica Alba and tried to play it off like he was talking about her dress, which was a gaudy monstrosity."

Everything I need to know I learned from commercials

If you pay attention you can learn a lot from watching commercials (or 'adverts' for you British people). Here are some things 30 seconds of advertising has taught me:

1. Only black people like Sprite and McDonald's.
2. You can get a good workout in 4 minutes a day.
3. Cleaning can be fun if you get the right mop.
4. A single paper towel can clean up 2 cups of orange juice, a bowl of oatmeal, 2 cartons of raw eggs, and a steamy pile of dog poo.
5. Minivans and station wagons can be SUV's too if you show college kids going camping with one.
6. Cool diapers make pooping your pants fun.
7. Herpes makes you go mountain climbing and kayaking.

So remember these important life lessons.

-Eric

Moldy Oldies

Because I'm sure some of you are new to discovering my awesomeness, and have yet to look through my site completely, here are the best of the past months. Enjoy.

June 2005

November 2005

December 2005


You can tell me how funny I am later. I'm busy right now.

-Eric

P.S. We all want answers

In case you didn't believe me:

1.) The chicken. An egg can't hatch itself.

2.) 32 board-feet

You should now feel enlightened.

-Eric

Welcome to The Dark ages (you know, before the ice was in his grill)

I'm sure everyone has heard such age old conundrums as:

1.) "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

and

2.) "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Well, besides the fact that I know the answers to both of those, because I'm awesome, there is a much more perplexing query that exists:

"Which came first, the famous rapper or his song about being famous?"

Which indeed?

I will accept all logical answers. The best answer will win some sort of prize. I haven't thought of what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

-Eric

Employment Opportunities Available: Now Hiring!

Are you looking for an easy job? One where you don't have to work very many hours? Well I will let you in on the secret that has netted me over $75 in the past several years.

The key is unwanted change. People foolishly cast it aside. That, my friend, is where you come in. When you see a coin lying on the ground, no longer should you just wonder why its all sticky and keep walking. If you saw $900 lying on the ground you wouldn't pass it by. But guess what? That's what you're doing! If you want to be successful like me, you will pick UP that coin. If you can pick up a penny in 1 full second ( a modest assumption ) then for that second you are working at the rate of $36.00 an hour! Picking up dimes nets you $360.00 an hour, and stooping for quarters earns you an astounding $900.00 an hour!!!

And you too can earn this incredible hourly rate, and work only seconds each week!

My program, Eric English's "Bend Over for Big Bucks", will teach you all the ins and outs of change-picking, including:

• The Hot Spots - Where and when to stoop
• Competition - What to do if you and a hobo see the coin at the same time
• Stretching and exercises - Learn how a slow bending technique could be costing you big $$$!!

The first 300 people to order my Extreme Money-making system will receive our unisex hip-pack coin purse and a keychain vial of hand sanitizer ( A $2.49 value) absolutely FREE!

Start Making Money Today!!!

-Eric