Mythbuster

I feel it is my duty to impart upon you, the hapless masses, the benefits of my wisdom. So today I am going to debunk the myth of the hippie credo, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Let's assume that there are two warring factions, Red and Blue.



In the course of events, a member of blue faction gouges out the eye of a member of Red faction.



In the spirit of "An eye for an eye" (a concept which both factions strictly adhere to) another member of Red faction takes the eye of the offending member of Blue faction.



The trend of vengeance then continues, as I will illustrate step-by-step with the following unnecessarily long sequence of pictures:




















The cycle of violence continues until all people have been blinded except for one man with one eye left, leaving him to rule over the blind masses like a god.

So 'an eye for an eye' doesn't leave the whole world blind, it leaves a single one-eyed man ruling billions of blind, helpless minions. Hopefully that helped dispel some of the myth.

-Eric

Well, obviously

The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.



Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:

For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?



2. Supersize Me

Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.



3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.


That's all for now.

Obviously.




-Eric

Would you like some french cries with that?

Lately everyone has been complaining about gas prices. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Shut up. If a $.25 per gallon increase in gas prices ruins your day, then your problem is not gas prices. Your problem is that you are poor. And stupid. (Only stupid people are poor). Smart people have businesses, like Buy Thermite, and people with businesses aren't poor. Unless stupid people don't buy their stuff. Get to it, peasants.

Just to show you how stupid you are for being poor and complaining about gas prices, I am going to list a few things that are way more over-priced than dead-dino juice.

**WARNING: The following items are grossly overpriced at your local marts, and strip you of your hard-earned dollars. Not recommended for people who are poor and stupid**

1. Water

That's right, good ol' H2O. If you have ever bought a bottle of water, you can't complain about gas prices. Unless you were in the middle of the desert and needed it to live (but you have to be pissed about being ripped off). In the words of Jim Gaffigan,
"Do you guys have water? I know it's free from every tap; I'd like to buy some. Do you have any air? Maybe some garbage?"
Don't laugh. That's not a joke. That's you being exposed. If you buy water, which is usually way more per gallon than gas (unless you get like Albertson's brand in the big, thin, crappy jug) then you can't complain about gas being an extra quarter.


2. Gas.

Gas is so overpric-

wait.....

Damn.

-Eric

The historically worst inventions in the history of history: Continued

Since I have plenty of hateful insight, here are some more inventions that would have been better used by just infecting them with smallpox and giving them to the indians:


1.) The Necktie



Next time you see somebody wearing a tie, just stop for a moment and think about what it really is. Ok you say, it's a colorful strip of cloth that hangs from your neck, and.... - And nothing. That's it! I can see more purpose in wearing a cape to work every day. If you insist on dangling a strip of cloth from your neck, you might as well make it red and dress like a giant turkey. Gobble Gobble, you stupid jerk.



2.) Pizza Cutter



I didn't know this, but the guy that invented the pizza cutter also wrote a book. It was titled: "How to invent something that looks like it would work really well."
The inventor of the wheel is also partially responsible for this abomination. The challenge was simple: Make a device that cuts a pizza in one swift movement. Well, I actually found another invention that cuts pizza as well as the average pizza cutter:




Teeth and karate chops were made for a reason. Stick with those.





3.) Krishna Food



There is a motley Hare Krishna caravan that makes it's way onto campus every day to peddle some sort of putrid muck for people to eat. For now I'll ignore that fact that it never contains any animal products, and will instead focus on its crippling, diarrhea-inducing odor. The food I eat doesn't even smell as bad after I crap it back out and blend it with a rotting squid carcass. I don't understand how human beings can even approach this stuff without a yellow plastic suit and a flamethrower, much less stuff gobs of it into their fat mouths. Terrible invention.




4.) Brakes



The guys who invented airbags, ram-bars, ejection seats, and fire-retardant suits must now feel like they were just wasting their time. Brakes are like Erasers: You only need them if you screw up. So nancy, there's no need for brakes; Just dip, dodge, duck, dive, and dodge. You'll save gas that way too.


Now go out there and invent something worth using. I'm waiting.

-Eric

The historically worst inventions in the history of history

Making new things is usually cool, especially when they make my life easier. Sometimes though, people make things that just screw everything up. Following are history's worst inventions since sliced bread (I prefer to bite into whole, pristine loaves). Surprisingly, not all of them were invented by women. These are in no specific order of suckiness, I just hate them all:

I. The Wheel

If you think the stagnation of sled, jetpack, catapult, and teleportation technology is a good thing, then by all means, laud the invention of the wheel. The bottom line is, anybody could have come up with this stupid invention. They should have waited until after other, really cool methods of transportation were invented. Like riding dinosaurs. Also, no other single invention until the TV remote has contributed more to laziness. Walk it off!


II. Cell phone cameras

As if there weren't enough pictures of fat, ugly women on the internet. I can't think of a more worthless gimmick to make already crappy cell-phones even more expensive. Oh, I can have a picture of you show up on my phone when you call!? Well guess what turd! I don't want to look at you. That's why I'm talking to you on the phone and not in person. Maybe before putting cameras in cell phones, they should make them do something cooler, like ACTUALLY WORK.


III. Flip Flops

If flip flops were a person, they would be Paris Hilton. Why? They're flat, ugly, stupid, overrated, and I have no idea how they got so popular. There are only several reasons why a person might wear sandals. Allow me to explain:

a. You want people to look at your hideous feet.
b. You are too poor to afford a whole pair of actual shoes
c. You're an asshole
d. You are Jesus (Guess what: you're not)
e. You do whatever everybody else is doing, regardless of how ridiculous it is.

Now go into Payless and tell them you are sick of looking like an asshole. Kill a forest animal and wear the skins on your feet. Go barefoot. I don't care, Just please get rid of the flip flops.

IV. Red Bull


It doesn't give you wings. It tastes like paint thinner. It costs 2 dollars a can. 'Nuff said. No crappy invention has been so monstrously overpriced since Tickle-me-Elmos. Mountain Dew is infinitely better. Here's an SAT analogy question for you:

1. Mountain Dew : Red Bull

a. Don Frye : Thomas Ramirez
b. USA : Nigeria
c. Ferrari Maranello : Geo Metro
d. BK commercials : Old Navy commercials
c. K2 : Pile of leaves by my door
d. All of the above

If you don't know the answer, go kill yourself.

- more to come. If I feel like it.

-Eric

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

Scientists in China are building the world's first "artificial sun" fusion energy device. The device will reportedly be able to withstand like a bajillion degrees. The cost of making this fake sun is 300 million yuan, or 37 million US dollars. This seems like a ripoff. I made a fake sun too, once. See:





The bidding will start at 37 million dollars.

-Eric

Holy Herbivores Batman!

As reported by Fox News on 07/27/2005 (Important news travels fast): In a startling upset, Carrie Underwood of "American Idol" fame and Coldplay frontman Chris "fag-man" Martin were voted as last year's 'Worlds Sexiest Vegetarians' by PETA. Since the contest's inception, the PETA tree-humpers have been searching for sexy vegetarians. When a few humans gleefully admitted to vegetarianism, PETA was quick to upstage their previous "World's Sexiest Vegetarians":

UPDATE: The Baboon was later disqualified when it ate its own young.


-Eric