Let Them Hate, As Long As They Fear.

Breaking News: Arnold Schwarzenegger probably won't take his shirt off in his next movie

2011-05-07T17:01:00.003-04:00

From Reuters:

Arnold Schwarzenegger picks drama for comeback

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Arnold Schwarzenegger has zeroed in on the film that will mark his return to the big screen: "Cry Macho," a drama about a down-on-his-luck horse trainer who is hired to kidnap a 9-year-old boy.

Filming is set to begin in September. Brad Furman ("The Lincoln Lawyer") will direct. Producer Al Ruddy, an Oscar winner for both "The Godfather" and "Million Dollar Baby," has been nurturing the project for years.
"I guarantee that you'll get another look at Arnold Schwarzenegger in this movie," Ruddy said. "Arnold always plays these big muscular guys, but there's a sweetness to Arnold in real life, and we want to bring that sweetness to the screen. "

I think what he meant to say is,

"Arnold is getting really old, and nobody wants to see his hairy bitch-tits. So instead we have to leave his shirt on and are forced to use an arcane film-making technique known as a 'story'"

- Double E

4 Things you should never post pictures of on the Internet

2010-07-25T13:34:00.005-04:00

I realize that your life is just oh-so interesting, and I'm sure everyone on the planet appreciates your altruistic decision to share the intricacies of your existence. However, there are (at least) 4 things that you should never post pictures or videos of, online or elsewhere. I am telling you this for your own good. Mostly for my good, but it will help people hate you less, so it's for your good too.

1. Your newborn baby

Let's be honest here, newborn babies look like writhing, flaccid, penises. I would rather fellate a shit-covered cactus than have to look at another baby picture. They can't even hold their own heads up, let alone do anything interesting. If I want to see the ugly side of the circle of life I can just watch videos of lions tearing apart sickly wildebeests. Get back to me when the kid is old enough to fail badly at doing mundane things. Put that on video and I may tune in. (but only to laugh, not to care).

2. Your new Tattoo

I understand that you are super excited about your super fresh tattoo of...whatever the hell it is..., but since you are stuck with it until at least a few years AFTER you die (and 60 years after it stops being cool), you can at least do us all a favor and wait like ONE day until its not all puffy, red, scabby and covered with greasy lotion. If I can't tell if you have a dragon tattoo or a raging case of arm-herpes, you're doing it wrong. So relax, time is on your side with this one.

3. Your wedding

No matter how cool, unique, and original you think your wedding/reception/honeymoon is, it will still be 95% similar to every single other wedding on the face of the planet.

Did your wedding feature,
Monkey butlers?
Strippers? (female)
Feats of strength? (carrying you across the threshold doesn't count)
Impromptu turf war with another nearby wedding party?
Ted Nugent?
Motorized...anything?

Didn't think so. MOVE ALONG.

I wouldn't put your wedding pictures in the bottom of a bird cage, just because of the off-chance the bird might flap around and flip one over and I would have to see it for an entire second.

4. Your lame vacation

The only acceptable pictures that should be posted online of vacations include:
1. Feats of strength
2. Things that elevate your status above the wretched masses
3. Proof of wicked, depraved, or otherwise sordidly impressive acts that would otherwise be dismissed by your friends as fanciful stories.

Notice this list did NOT include an album of 1365 pictures of you standing on a beach, ordering from a restaurant, looking out an airplane window, sitting in your hotel room, on a subway, your feet (seriously?), statues, etc. If you have so many pictures of the same lame scene that you can make a working flip book, then you are wasting my time, as usual.

If a nearby parents don't gasp and cover their children's eyes when your vacation pictures pop up, don't bother.

If I want to look at pictures of somebody just standing around, I can find somebody way more attractive than you. Trust me.

- Double E

The Swipe - A guide for the modern man

2010-05-14T12:26:00.019-04:00

Look familiar?

When faced with the inevitable task of the swipe, most zombie-brained proletariat just revert to the status quo. People just robotically grab a roll of a few layers of toilet paper like pictured above, without putting any thought into the veritable cornucopia of wiping techniques available to the savvy swiper. Below are some of the options available to you, if you are ready:

THE CONTINENTAL

AKA: leon(the professional)

This is a high-end swipe for the most discerning of derrieres. Not to be wasted upon the shit-smeared ass of a drunken bum, or the haphazard wiping of a rushed 14 year old hurrying to get back to his video games. This carefully constructed cleanser of cracks is the Rolex of the wiping world. While its compact format makes it not the optimum choice for removing the aftermath of a gut-busting fast-food meal, its unparalleled performance and comfort makes it no wonder why it is the go-to TP configuration of the business class.

THE MUM-RA

AKA: The Mummy, The Unholy Roller, The 360,

This particular technique is a well-known for its exceptional coverage and protection. A quick and easy set-up and ambidextrous deployment are all the more reason to give this one a try. Well-suited for the messier situations. Where collateral spray and excessive ass-sweat would cause other techniques to fail, the MUM-RA forges onward, easily protecting your hand from fecal matter and stray dingleberries.

THE LAYMAN

AKA: The Blue-Collar Bushwacker, The Joe schmo

A staple swipe for many decades, the 'Layman' has found its home amongst the less-sophisticated masses. What it lacks in style and sophistication it makes up for in ease of use. From on the roll to on the hole, the Layman has one of the fastest deployment times of any swipe out there. Whether it's half time, tee time, or lunch time, this is the swipe to know for the man on the go.

THE SPARTAN

AKA: The Cheryl Crow, The Coup De Grace

A wise man once said, "If you don't use enough TP you will get shit all over your hands."
I said that, just now. While never purposefully employed by a sane individual with any concern for crotch cleanliness, this swipe of last resort is sometimes unwillingly foisted upon us in moments of desperation. Don't allow a misguided sense of environmentalism to persuade you to permit this paucity of paper, as it can result in some undesirable klingons, and soiled undergarments. Use with caution. Consider using in conjunction with "The Plan B"

The Dim Mak

AKA: The Daniel San, The Tong Po, Poophole Punchout, The Master Blaster

When force is required, there is only one place to turn: the Dim Mak. bricks don't hit back, unless you are shitting them, and that is where this power-swipe comes into play. Designed for stubborn clingers, there are few turds this punch can't pulverize. Wax on, wipe off with this serious swipe, and then follow up with a mum-ra for extra clean and peace of mind.

THE OOPSIE DAISY

AKA: The Toxic Avenger, The Violater, The Hellraiser

Never purposefully employed, this TP faux pas sneaks up on you when you least expect it. A common side effect of weaker swipes like the "Spartan" or a poorly deployed 'Continental', this rip can also result from cheap TP or an extra forceful wipe. The unexpected "Oopsie Daisy" can lead to an unpleasant poophole probing and one downright stinky finger. Immediately reboot with a quick "layman" and a thorough hand washing.

THE TICKLE ME ELMO

AKA: The Dipstick, The Dr Doom, The Tootsie Roll, Goose,

This deep diving technique is not for the faint of heart or tight of sphincter. This powerful probe will shock your mind and cleanse your colon. Use with caution and discretion. There are many things that can go wrong with this experimental swipe, like stray TP being left behind. There is also the chance you will hate it very much, or worse, like it. Can you live with that? You were warned.

THE ROOMATE REVENGE

AKA: Unknown

Never designed for its effective cleansing, this unmentionable technique has but one sordid purpose: Filling your enemy's mouth with feces. When a time for subtlety has long passed, and unrepentant revenge is the only dish on the menu, serve it cold with this calculated crime. Assail his mind and body with this unholy assault, but don't forget to finish up with a real wipe.

THE INFIDEL

AKA: Satan's Swipe, The Grave Digger, The Cro Magnon

A vestige of a time long past when poop was more likely to be flung at an antagonist than flushed down a pipe, the 'Infidel" even still refuses to die. A horrible secret of third-world shitholes (no pun intended) and drug addled bums, this demonic dung-remover is a positively horrifying option. When desperate times call for touching your poopy asshole with a bare hand, you may want to consider just what the hell you are doing with your life. Consider 'The Plan B" before passing the point of no return.

THE PLAN B

AKA: The Rough Rider, Last Call, Shopping day

When the going gets rough, so does your toilet paper. Although a far cry from the extremes of the "Infidel" this is not a technique for the sensitive of sphincter. A miscalculation in when to do your shopping can result in a panicked look around the bathroom for anything remotely resembling TP. That's when you will find the true value of the written word. After the first painful swipe you may be tempted to abort; this will only leave you with a poopy butt which will get itchy and turn red like a baboon's. It's not worth it, just face the pain and remember to do your shopping. Also, you may want to let the thick pages soak for a while or everybody will wonder why the toilet is overflowing with paper bags and Oprah's book club.

Now you are fully equipped to survive and thrive with aplomb in the harsh environment of the stuffy bathroom. While mere mortals will be relegated to mediocrity and skidmarks, you will be on a higher level. Remember, only warriors get to choose to have improperly wiped butts; everyone else has it forced upon them.

-Double E

There are only 2 things 13 year-old girls can do that I can't

2010-04-22T12:38:00.005-04:00

There are only 2 things 13 year-old girls can do that I can't:

1. Seduce Roman Polanksi

2. Jump Rope

The Crossfit workout I did today(recognize) required me to complete the onerous task of jump-roping. Now to most average people this is a relatively simple task, so it stands to reason that for a physical specimen such as myself it should be nothing short of laughably easy.

What should happen is, I whip through 50 double-unders in less time than it takes Polanksi to slip a roofy in a capri sun, and then put my hands on my hips, throw my head back, and let out a hearty, booming laugh before crushing the rest of the workout and tearing my shirt off.

What actually happened, is I ended up enraged and drenched in sweat after 10 minutes of cursing, stomping, and performing what looked to bystanders like a death-battle with a 7 foot electric eel.

Not my proudest moment.

-Double E

My toilet is an abomination

2010-03-13T14:17:00.002-05:00

Somewhere on this planet walks a gifted artisan, with a knowledge of plumbing and craftsmanship exceeded only by his skills in ergonomic and aesthetic design; who can build a porcelain throne so magnificent you pray for diarrhea just to experience its splendor once again.

Whoever this master is, he did not build my toilet.

I'm not sure how anyone who has ever squeezed a turd from their body could build a toilet as awkward and ill-functioning as the one I am being forced to use.

First of all, the toilet is tiny and smashed against the wall in a closet-sized bathroom, and is so misshapen that the lid doesn't actually stay up, so you have to hold it up while you wizz or it will unexpectedly fall down, splashing through a stream of urine and slapping your member like an angry nun with a ruler.

If you actually have to sit on the toilet the real fun starts. You have to hunch over on this tiny thing like a Golem, on a seat still wet with your urine from when it wouldn't stay up last time, with the ill-fitting lid jabbing you in the vertebrae. When you finally manage to get comfortable enough to let loose (or it just happens anyway) you are exposed to the toilet's worst design flaw:

The piece of garbage contains like 13 ounces of water, and is so misshapen that the hole is scrunched up way near the front of the toilet. So the only thing under your ass is a dry ceramic ramp. So just when you finally think relief has found you, you hear a horrific splat and the smell hits so brutally it makes your head snap back like a dragonfly just flew into your nose.

If you are lucky enough that the turd actually makes it all the way into the water, you are left with a skidmark so bad it looks like a herd of monster trucks just drove out of your toilet.

I think I'm going to use a bucket next time.

-Double E

So let it be written, so let it be done - Part II

2010-01-29T20:34:00.004-05:00

Here are some more guidelines for you mortals to follow when I become rightful ruler of this planet:

I. Bathrooms. There are a lot of things wrong with public bathrooms.

1. All urinals will be based on my height. right now urinals are either 6 inches off the ground and might as well just be a drain in the floor, or they are so tall you have to stand on your toes and drape your sack over the edge just to use it.

2. Speaking of urinals, spend the extra 5 dollars and make the walls between them more than a foot tall. The ones they have now are the equivalent of Nicolas Cage's hair: nobody is fooled, and you can see a lot of bare flesh.

3. Stall doors will only open outward. I don't know why they feel it's necessary to make a stall the size of a medicine cabinet and have the door open INTO it, so you have to stand on the toilet to close the door. WRONG ANSWER. I am tired of having to perform circus magic to get in and out of bathroom stalls. Some people don't have precious seconds to spare when trying to use the bathroom. Hey, do what you want, but you are the ones who will be cleaning shit off the walls.

More to follow, peasants.

- Double E

So let it be written, so let it be done

2010-01-14T22:59:00.007-05:00

Everybody knows that rules and laws are stupid, and I have a glorious history of ignoring absurd ones. But the rest of the people on this planet are not nearly as awesome as I am, and so there is all sorts of shit they are doing that they just need to stop. Mostly because it bothers me, which means it's wrong.

So when I take my rightful place as Grand Pompous Overlord of the planet, there are a few rules I am going to institute:

I. No drinking soup out of a thermos
I have no explanation for this one, but it creeps me out and it needs to stop.

II. Grocery stores need to get their shit together and stop insulting me

1. No lame sale announcements. I was in Publix and saw a sign above one of their lame products that said "surprisingly low price!". Bitch, you tell me what the price is, and I'll let you know if I'm surprised.

2. No green bags. These stores will need to get rid of the retarded "green" grocery bags that people use to feel like they are saving the environment, then stuff with 40lbs of hohos and ding dongs and lunchables whose combined packaging material could choke a flock of seagulls. And I mean the band, not the birds (the birds seem to choke rather easily on plastic so it's not that impressive of an analogy).
Right now in India, some kid is riding a motorized rickshaw that blasts as much smog as an iron smelting factory, and people are worried about a special bag to hold their Greenwise yogurt and sprouts.

3. Every store should have candy and cakes at the end of an obstacle course so the fatties either choose not to buy it, get exercise, or die.

4. Carts will be tracked vehicles with a dump-truck bed, and controlled with two sticks like big lawnmowers and bumper cars. (the tracks give you a zero-turning radius, eliminate that one shaky wheel carts always have, and let you run over stray soup cans and babies who fall out of their carts)

5. Women are only allowed to shop in workout clothes or pajamas. (This may already be a law)

6. They must take any coupons I give them. Even if they are expired, for the wrong product, or I drew them on the back of a placemat with a crayon.

7. Approx 1 of 34 food cans will have a one of those big fake spring-snakes in it. Or a dead bird.

I'm tired I will come up with more rules for you mortals to follow later.

- Double E

Just when you thought it was safe to go back on the sidewalks....

2009-09-14T23:43:00.005-04:00

Sometimes really bizarre things that we all thought were dead for good turn up and rock our world, and make us re-evaluate our knowledge.; like the coelacanth.

Some of these discoveries are pleasant, and bring joy and smiles to the scientific community; like the coelacanth.

But other things that we thought were long dead, and feared could hurt our children, resurface and rock our world, making us question everything we believe.

Things like ......rollerblading?

I know, I thought this was dead too, but in the last 30 days I have seen no less than 3 people on rollerblades. In public! 3 may not seem like a lot until you consider that the last time I saw somebody using rollerblades was a picture on the back of a Pog in like 1993.

Seriously, did someone just wake up one day and think, "This is getting out of control. I am just way, WAY to cool. the only way to deal with this is to be seen in public using rollerblades, with a moderate degree of skill that suggests I actually partake in this outdated fad on a semi-regular basis."

Yup, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what they said.

- Double E

P.S. I have no idea if the being in that picture is male or female, so don't ask. The smooth supple skin, shapely thighs, and high-waisted cut-off jean shorts suggest female. But the creature's version of a head/face thing suggests something otherworldly. Or French.

The Truth About Swine Flu

2009-04-26T20:40:00.009-04:00

A while ago I wrote about bird flu and gave a lot of truth to a lot of people. You're welcome. Now the animal kingdom has a new test for me, and the rest of mankind: Swine flu.
Don't confuse this with "Swine-fu", a form of martial arts characterized by overwhelming your opponent with bodily stench and a love for semi-rancid vegetables.

Swine flu originated in Mexico, which is probably where a lot of other diseases originated too. Pigs never cover their mouths when they sneeze, so most likely the devil got in them and is trying to kill people.

Well, I've got news for you hog-faces: its going to take a lot more than a runny nose, fever, and fatal pneumonia to keep me from eating your delicious rib meat.

So before you pink pig bastards spit up any more bloody sputum on us, just remember one thing:

-Double E

Nothing is bigger than my printer.

2009-02-26T21:56:00.004-05:00

I just purchased a printer that is the probably the largest electrical device in existence. It has smaller printers orbiting it. When I moved it from Walmart to my house it affected the tides. When I opened it up I expected to find a smaller printer inside, with an even smaller printer inside of that one. I thought the box was unusually big when i was buying it, but when I got it out it was even bigger than the box.

If printer technology had kept up with cell phones and computers, it would somehow be even smaller than the sheets of paper it was printing on. Instead it is larger than the forest the paper trees come from.

Looking at it right now, I want to throw a table cloth over it and host a banquet for visiting dignitaries.

If my apartment was hit by a tornado right now, I would climb inside my printer for safety. In fact, with this printer I don't even need an apt.

I walked around the side of my printer to plug in the cable and I got lost.

It didn't even come with an instruction booklet; Just a map.

I put in an entire ream of fresh paper and it just laughed at me.

Apparently God CAN make a rock so big that even he can't lift it-it's called my printer.

-Double E

25 facts about me you are better off not knowing

2009-02-18T18:38:00.002-05:00

Don't let the title deceive you; you are only better off not knowing because the more you learn about me the more you will realize how worthless and weak you are. You will rend your garments and gnash your teeth, and beat your children for not being like me.
Moving on. By request:

25 Amazing and true facts about me

1. I Love free stuff. A lot. Too much. It’s true. If I found a spigot on the side of a building that dispensed free air, I would rush home and grab every container I could to fill. All the while thinking of what I could do with all this free air. The only free thing I don't feel compelled to take is animals. Unless they are dead and in a can (can optional).

2. I get stuff out of the garbage all the time. I told you #1 was true. There is no such thing as garbage - only free stuff that somebody else was too stupid to stuff their house with.

3. Manowar is officially the loudest band in the world. (This isn't technically about me, it's just that important.)

4. I play poker like it’s my job. Someday it WILL Be.

5. I can do more pushups than I can situps. This seems strange until you see my heavily muscled torso. Sinew.

6. I love movies that include any or all of the following: Post apocalyptic setting, prison escape (not to be confused with prison rape), Glorious revenge (not to be confused with regular revenge*), and naked women (not to be confused with naked men).

7. James Cameron once let me use his camera. I came.

8. I love guns more than you love your mother. (This is directed at those of you who really, really love your mothers).

9. I always get to a point when eating my 2nd hotdog, when there is an inch of hotdog and 3 inches of bread where I think to myself, "I really do not want this anymore".

10. I have woken up multiple times with a cat's ass on my face. It is an annoying phenomenon.

11. I once stole quarters from a fountain at Sea World and bought an overpriced meal with it. I also tried to lift a stingray out of the petting tank after it tried to swallow my hand. It was too heavy though.

12. I just recently built a wooden DVD rack by hand. Half of the wood was pilfered from the dumpster.

13. They recently chose an 8th and 9th wonder of the modern world. They are both the DVD rack I just built. (It was announced as the 8th wonder when I was only halfway done. Once it was finished it was obviously even better, so they had to make it the 9th as well).

14. I once threw up after thanksgiving from gluttonous gorging. Afterward, I thanked God the pain was over and went to sleep.

15. I have an inexplicable attraction to high-end flashlights.

16. My brother and I are stalwart entrepreneurs. As evidence, see www.bulletproofshirts.com

17. I used to build intricate model houses for the sole purpose of burning them.

18. I have been in 3 different underwater habitats.

19. Sometimes I accidentally bite my fingers when eating fries. I used to assume this happened to other people too. Everyone I have asked has adamantly assured me that it doesn’t.

20. I once was so bored in a class I drooled on myself.

21. One time I found a bag of dog food in a cart at Walmart. I took it in and returned it for cash and bought Mountain Dew.

22. I watch every UFC.

23. As a child I fell out of a tree and landed on a fence crotch-first. In unrelated news, I didn’t hit puberty until I was 21.

24. I hate chocolate. All of it. M&Ms, brownies, chocolate milk, anything. Anytime I tell people this they try to make me eat it. I don’t know why. If I asked them for it I bet they wouldn’t give it to me. They just want to see me suffer.

25. I will not tell you another fact about me. I do what I want. DEAL WITH IT.

*(Regular revenge would be like sticking somebody's toothbrush in your butt because they ate your last bear claw danish. For an example of glorious revenge, see The Count of Monte Cristo, Conan, Man on Fire, etc)

-Double E

If I push it any harder the whole thing will blow!

2009-02-05T16:00:00.003-05:00

I recently had to go through a period of military training that was several months long. At the end of the class I was ranked 8/55 in terms of overall performance. Now this is nothing to write home about until you consider my level of apathy.

Yes, you may call me master.

-Double E

Paper or Plastic? Neither

2009-02-05T15:44:00.004-05:00

The debate has long raged over which is the correct choice of grocery-toting receptacle. Recently these stupid bags were invented and have promised to answer the prayers of hippies everywhere:

So now you can spend money you don't have to and obnoxiously announce you are to good to just reuse regular bags at the same time! But this is still not the best answer:

Paper or plastic? Neither. SLAVES

Think about it. A slave can carry much more than one of these bags. And while it takes a regular plastic bag 1000 years to biodegrade, slaves biodegrade in only a few years. Or you can even feed them to other slaves. Now THAT is sustainability.

-Double E

That's the Ticket

2008-09-14T13:44:00.003-04:00

Lots of people have been commenting on the fact that McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate was both a surprising and potentially risky choice. Since I am smarter then everyone, I will tell you the truth: It was neither bold nor risky. Unless you were stupid you knew he would choose a younger candidate who was either black or a woman. Maybe both.

Since all politicians are horrible people with contrived personalities and thinly veiled agendas, I am going to do the world a favor and run for president. You're Welcome. And now I will show you what a truly bold and surprising VP pick is:

My running mate for the 2008 presidential election is......

The Fake Bigfoot Body:

Fake Bigfoot Body should bring in some of the minority vote, since he is a minority (how many fake bigfoot bodies are there?). He should get a fair percentage of the woman vote too, since he is a big furry animal. He just needs to tuck away those fake intestines or whatever they are. His stoic rubber gaze and lack of a brain makes it impossible to rattle him in a debate. his pliant handshake and warm furry embrace is sure to entice some swing voters as well, and independents will welcome the new face to the political scene.

Fake bigfoot body has been criticized for lack of political experience, but he is the best at doing what we wish all politicians would do: Nothing. Nobody can do nothing like Fake Bigfoot Body.

Do what's best for the country: Vote Double E - Fake Bigfoot Body.

-Double E

Large and in charge - Vanity sizing sweeps the nation

2008-08-24T23:14:00.003-04:00

For many years I didn't know what method most people used to buy clothes that fit them, since I always just used the size of the animal that I had to kill and skin to wear its fur. When I was a baby I started out wearing size "Adult Racoon". These days I fit nicely into "Juvenile Wildebeest".

Most people during this time just measured their bodies and bought clothes of that same measurement, but recently it has been brought to my attention that they have created something called "vanity sizing". Apparently there are some weak-sauce individuals who couldn't admit to themselves that they had to wear a certain size, and the store owners got tired of seeing huge folds of pale, sweaty flesh spill over the bursting seams of the poor garments they were cramming themselves into, so they instituted "vanity sizing", which is basically taking a size large, and calling it a medium, so Fatty Sweatson can feel good about themselves when they fit in a medium and will be happy and buy more clothes.

Well, with a lot of snooping and bribes I got my hands on the new, more progressive, universal vanity-sizing system that will be instituted this year. It is expected to to increase clothes buying and satisfaction by 467%, especially with women. Behold:

From this day forward,

Mens sizes:

Small = "Huge-manly sized"
Medium = "Sized for muscular torsos and biceps"
Large = "Bouncer Size"
X-Large = "Grizzly" or "Heavyweight Champ"
XX Large = "shutup I CAN see my penis"

Women Sizes:

Small = Perfect
Medium = Perfect
Large = Perfect
X-large = Perfect
XX large = Perfect

-Double E

The historically worst inventions in the history of History - Teil Drei

2008-08-03T14:53:00.010-04:00

Not all inventions make the world a better place. Evidence:

1. Cooking

Cooking is a worthless social custom. Back in the good old days, when men were men and women were too, animals were eaten raw, as God intended. Today's feeble excuse for mankind can't even fend off e-coli and botulism.

Having to cook food is ruining my life. When you are like me and need 9 small meals a day, having to cook them can take up what can be described as a fucking ridiculous amount of time.

Add to this that the act of cooking itself is a tedious and completely unsavory chore that is as dreaded as high-impact dental work. having to do anything while in the throes of a slow death by starvation is bad enough: having to cook while starving is simply an abomination.

Anytime I decide that my body needs fuel, and I have nothing that meets society's increasingly stringent standards of what constitutes a properly prepared meal, some plebeian will invariably point to a few raw ingredients of a meal that are in the fridge. The act of cooking is such a chasm between hunger and satiation that giving me uncooked foods when I say I am hungry is like if I say I need gasoline and you give me a dead dinosaur.

2. Electric cars

-lets face it, if God wanted us to drive electric cars, we would have been born with vaginas. And apparently, a lot of people were, given the recent clamoring for these weak-sauce hippie-mobiles. If you are too much of a loser to afford gas for your awesome smog-belching muscle car, then you need to do what real men do: kill someone and take their gas.
Your homework for tonight is to watch "Road Warrior" and tell me what you learned.

3. The little holes in spatulas

At some point, somebody decided that it hurt too much to flip their omelets by hand, so they invented the spatula; a pretty good contraption for flipping hot foods. And all was right with the world. And then, and I'm just assuming here, Satan ascended from the depths of hell and made all spatulas have useless holes in them that have no purpose but to get clogged with semi-cooked food and be a total bitch to clean.

>> The Historically Worst inventions in the history of History - Part 1

>> The Historically worst inventions in the history of History - Part 2

More to come (There are a lot of bad inventions out there).

-Double E

Breaking News - Woman unhappy

2008-07-30T13:51:00.004-04:00

Katie Couric recently stated that sexism in America is more common than racism,and that she and Hillary Clinton are both victims. Feelings about the statement were mixed, and responses from fellow news anchors and others present included:

"Shutup and fix me a sammich."
- Co-anchor

"If you like Hillary so much why don't you marry her?"
- Camera Guy

"Tits or GTFO"
- Also the Camera guy

"Bitches be crazy."
- An observant man present at the scene

" (murmur of approval)"
- All other men present

"You're right Mrs Couric."
- Some broad

"No, racism is worse."
- Some black guy

"Sucks to be me either way."
- Some black broad

"Seriously, where's my sammich? "
- Co-anchor

-Double E

Awesome Title

2008-07-16T12:02:00.004-04:00

If you are unlucky enough to find yourself with a baby, there are a few things you have to do.

1. throw it off a cliff if it is sickly, weak, or really ugly (all babies are really ugly - take the hint).

2. If it somehow survives step one, then it is worthy to survive for at least another day (We'll see if it can manage to keep itself alive any longer than that. If you help, you're only spoiling it) and it has to be named. If it doesn't have a name and you just say "I had to shake the baby" nobody would know which baby you were talking about. If you're like me you shake lots of babies, so it is important to specify.

The name must be awesome so that if it is strong enough to survive it reflects well on you and your rearing techniques. Here is a list of highly appropriate names:

Gilgamesh

Fetus, son of ______(your name)

Funkatronic

Eric (Taken)

Laser

Swammee

Schmelvis pooply

There. Now you don't have to buy a book.

- Double E

BUY BUY BUY

2008-07-04T14:47:00.004-04:00

I got this moving dolly to move the vast amounts of crap I have acquired over the years. I only used it once, and now I don't need it anymore. Being a poor person, it goes against my nature to get rid of it without making any money, so I am selling it.

This fascinating device uses the power of physics (and wheels) to allow even weaklings like you to move big things so you don't have to bother your friends to help you move. Also good if you don't have any friends.

Features:
- 600 pound capacity: That's like Rosie Odonnell minus a few hundred pounds. You can carry desks, dressers, heavy boxes, beer kegs, whatever.

-Big Wheels: These are actual air-filled tires, not solid-plastic crap wheel like you may find on other people's dollies. This means you get unparalleled coushion, and the ability to run over smaller, lesser dollies. Even allows it to easily go up and down stairs, if you can handle it.

-Red color: Shiny red color makes it appear you are moving much faster than you actually are, which has to be good. Also catches people's eye so they are sure to notice you heroically moving very large items. Don't forget to sneer haughtily at people who have boring grey or blue dollies.

-Price: Cheaper than a new one, but works just as well. You'll need the dolly to move all the liquor you can buy with the money you saved

Truth for your Brain

2007-11-27T02:28:00.003-05:00

These are some questions that have plagued weak minds for many moons. Today I will use my considerable intellect to answer them for the unenlightened ruck that presently inhabits our planet.

Prepare yourself for truth:

Question 1. Can you cry under water?

Actually, no. If you try to cry underwater, the water goes IN your tear ducts instead of out, and causes you to become hydro-cephalic and die. This is why people die during shark attacks. If you can get through the attack without crying, sharks can't hurt you. It's also why you never hear of people dying of shark attacks on land.

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
'assassinated' instead of just 'murdered'?

In a perfect world, all killings would be assassinations. 'Murderers' is just what we call people who are too stupid to get paid to kill.

3. Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

When Adam and Eve sinned and were cast out of the garden of Eden, God said "From this day forth, man is cursed, and every time he makes a sandwich, he will get a few bites of nothing but bread, on the corners, because the bread shalt be roughly rectangular in shape, whereas the meat will usually be round."

4. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

It's the 'free thought tax' instituted by congress.

5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Yes.

6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Gimme a break! Have you ever tried making a round box? Well let me tell you, its a lot harder than making a pizza. Also, in the past, round pizza boxes have been mistaken for UFO's and shot down.

7. What disease did 'cured' ham actually have?

Asbergers syndrome, or social autism. Which is why people started killing pigs to begin with; they just couldn't stand their awkwardness in social settings and egregious lack of tact.

8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Well, back when people were serious and manly enough to even want to go to the moon, they carried their luggage without bitching about it (sometimes even adding weight). Now people are weak and have to roll their luggage, and the moon moved farther away to spite us, which is why we haven't been back since. It threw off all the telemetry.

9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

Well, when I say 'I slept like a baby' I mean I shit myself and then cried all night. So it makes more sense.

10. If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Probably, but not because its a Pepsi. They'll fire you because you're a no-good lazy-ass slacker.

11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

To anger poor people in other countries who don't have any money. Besides, the only people who pay to go up tall buildings are the ones who suck at climbing. If they were smart, they would make it so it's free to enter, but you have to pay to leave. Or jump.

12. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Nobody. It's just a hazard of the job.

13. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Yes. If you are wasting your time reading your soup instead of eating it, then YOU are the one not getting the full effect.

14. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Probably a baby cow.

15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Because sometimes toast just needs to be punished.

16. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Because nobody eats frozen shrimp in the middle of the night.
And its cheaper.

17. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

The lyric is actually, "Jimmy cracks corn and Iduntcars". Iduntcars is medieval english meaning "an anecdote that lacks humor". So the song indicates that Jimmy cracks corn and bad jokes.

18. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Some people do point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is. I stopped pointing at anything when asking a question, because I used to get the questions confused, and people would get upset when I pointed at my crotch and asked "Do you know what time it is?"

19. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!
Evolution?

20. What do you call male ballerinas?
Homosexuals.

21. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
No, blind people do not dream. In fact, they lose their souls when they become blind, and after that, can only invade other peoples' dreams.

22. If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

He had to satisfy his male craving to kill and win.

23. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

Babies.

24. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Originally yes, when they were both set to the tune of Iron Maiden's "Aces High"

It's so hot. Milk was a bad choice.

2006-09-08T01:30:00.000-04:00

Florida weather has a way of making you feel like your underwear is filled with wet gravel.

That is all.

-Eric

Another terrorist plot

2006-08-11T17:29:00.000-04:00

Because of the recently thwarted terrorist plots, security has been increased dramatically at all major airports, and terroritst have been ever more creative in their attempts. Immediately after the capture of this latest round of terrorists, another attempt was discovered in which terrorists planned to detonate a plane full of passengers with this baby's explosive flatulence:

The plot was discovered when 3 middle eastern men were witnessed buying 1000 cans of Gerbers Sauer Kraut. Police investigated until they discovered evidence of the nefarious plot. Among this evidence was the above picture, which was originally thought to be a leaked picture of Seal and Heidi Klum's new baby. After the true plot was discovered, the men were arrested and the bomb squad took the baby to their facility in the desert and safely detonated it.

-Eric

Fabulous

2006-08-01T01:07:00.000-04:00

Recent headlines in all major newspapers have all mentioned Lance Bass coming out of the closet. Big surprise. Just recently however, another celebrity has made a stunning announcement about his sexuality. This morning Carson Kressly, who gained notoriety as the flamboyant homo on "Queer Eye", was inspired by Lance Bass, and made a shocking admission: He's straight.

"Come on guys, " said Kressly "Nobody is THAT gay."

The famous fashion guru said he felt liberated, and he's just being true to himself.

"I was born this way. I just encountered so much prejudice in the fashion biz that I felt I had to conform. Nobody believes that a straight man can be good at fashion, and that's just wrong. I mean, look at this shirt, Does that look gay to you? Oh, wait, I thought I was wearing the blue one. This one is kinda gay."

While some people applaud his courage, his costars are not pleased, and claimed:

"His fashion sense always sucked anyways. We had our suspicions he was batting for the other team ever since he accidentally made that comment about Jessica Alba and tried to play it off like he was talking about her dress, which was a gaudy monstrosity."

Everything I need to know I learned from commercials

2006-06-14T15:47:00.000-04:00

If you pay attention you can learn a lot from watching commercials (or 'adverts' for you British people). Here are some things 30 seconds of advertising has taught me:

Only black people like Sprite and McDonald's.
You can get a good workout in 4 minutes a day.
Cleaning can be fun if you get the right mop.
A single paper towel can clean up 2 cups of orange juice, a bowl of oatmeal, 2 cartons of raw eggs, and a steamy pile of dog poo.
Minivans and station wagons can be SUV's too if you show college kids going camping with one.
Cool diapers make pooping your pants fun.
Herpes makes you go mountain climbing and kayaking.

So remember these important life lessons.

-Eric

Moldy Oldies

2006-05-16T19:00:00.000-04:00

Because I'm sure some of you are new to discovering my awesomeness, and have yet to look through my site completely, here are the best of the past months. Enjoy.

June 2005

November 2005

December 2005

You can tell me how funny I am later. I'm busy right now.

-Eric

P.S. We all want answers

2006-05-10T03:48:00.001-04:00

In case you didn't believe me:

1.) The chicken. An egg can't hatch itself.

2.) 32 board-feet

You should now feel enlightened.

-Eric

Welcome to The Dark ages (you know, before the ice was in his grill)

2006-05-10T02:59:00.000-04:00

I'm sure everyone has heard such age old conundrums as:

1.) "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

and

2.) "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

Well, besides the fact that I know the answers to both of those, because I'm awesome, there is a much more perplexing query that exists:

"Which came first, the famous rapper or his song about being famous?"

Which indeed?

I will accept all logical answers. The best answer will win some sort of prize. I haven't thought of what it is yet, but it will be awesome.

-Eric

Employment Opportunities Available: Now Hiring!

2006-05-05T19:10:00.000-04:00

Are you looking for an easy job? One where you don't have to work very many hours? Well I will let you in on the secret that has netted me over $75 in the past several years.

The key is unwanted change. People foolishly cast it aside. That, my friend, is where you come in. When you see a coin lying on the ground, no longer should you just wonder why its all sticky and keep walking. If you saw $900 lying on the ground you wouldn't pass it by. But guess what? That's what you're doing! If you want to be successful like me, you will pick UP that coin. If you can pick up a penny in 1 full second ( a modest assumption ) then for that second you are working at the rate of $36.00 an hour! Picking up dimes nets you $360.00 an hour, and stooping for quarters earns you an astounding $900.00 an hour!!!

And you too can earn this incredible hourly rate, and work only seconds each week!

My program, Eric English's "Bend Over for Big Bucks", will teach you all the ins and outs of change-picking, including:

The Hot Spots - Where and when to stoop
Competition - What to do if you and a hobo see the coin at the same time
Stretching and exercises - Learn how a slow bending technique could be costing you big $$$!!

The first 300 people to order my Extreme Money-making system will receive our unisex hip-pack coin purse and a keychain vial of hand sanitizer ( A $2.49 value) absolutely FREE!

Start Making Money Today!!!

-Eric

It's not my fault, it's his little kitty thyroid

2006-05-03T21:27:00.000-04:00

As of February 2003, the worlds heaviest living cat is believed to be the 44lb "Katy" from Russia. The owners wished to have it listed in the Guinness Book of World Records, but they apparently no longer accept records in this category because they don't want people to overfeed their pets.

Well, it makes sense. It would be dangerous and unhealthy.

Let's look at some other Guinness record categories that have not been discontinued:

Heaviest Man
Niagara Falls Tightrope walking
Largest mantle of Bees
Longest Ramp jump with a caravan
Solo Mount Everest Ascents
Fastest speed road-skiing behind a motorcycle
Highest Shallow dive
Strangest diet (metal and glass)

And the last one is my favorite:

Most kicks to the head in one minute(Self)

Good to see they don't want people doing dangerous or unhealthy things either.

-Eric

Mythbuster

2006-04-30T13:38:00.000-04:00

I feel it is my duty to impart upon you, the hapless masses, the benefits of my wisdom. So today I am going to debunk the myth of the hippie credo, "An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind".

Let's assume that there are two warring factions, Red and Blue.

In the course of events, a member of blue faction gouges out the eye of a member of Red faction.

In the spirit of "An eye for an eye" (a concept which both factions strictly adhere to) another member of Red faction takes the eye of the offending member of Blue faction.

The trend of vengeance then continues, as I will illustrate step-by-step with the following unnecessarily long sequence of pictures:

The cycle of violence continues until all people have been blinded except for one man with one eye left, leaving him to rule over the blind masses like a god.

So 'an eye for an eye' doesn't leave the whole world blind, it leaves a single one-eyed man ruling billions of blind, helpless minions. Hopefully that helped dispel some of the myth.

-Eric

Well, obviously

2006-04-27T17:16:00.000-04:00

The world has seen its fair share of inventors and discoverers. Some people find or invent things very monumental, like America, the internal combustion engine, or Mountain Dew. Others find or invent more obscure, but equally amazing things, like a tribe of Pygmies, or those little pills that you put in the water overnight and they turn into a foam dinosaur.

Then, every once in a while, some butt-faced chump will make an observation or discovery, that is so absurdly obvious, so monumentally blatant, so ridiculously overt, that they forever disgrace themselves and their families, and make sure no one ever again mistakes them for an intelligent member of society.

Here are the worst offenders of late, in no specific order:

1. Tyra Banks:

For an episode of her talk show recently, Tyra wanted to know (for reasons unknown to me) what it was like to be a disgusting fat-ass. Instead of manning up and eating a couple dozen donuts a day for a few months, she took the easy way out and dressed up in a fat-suit that made her look like she was 350lbs. Then she went into the outside world to live the life of a fat nobody for a day.
Needless to say, she was "Shocked" by what she experienced.

"The people that were staring and laughing in my face — that shocked me the most. As soon as I entered the store — when I went shopping — I immediately heard snickers. Immediately! I just was appalled and, and and hurt!"

So Tyra, what you're saying is people treat a sweaty, 350lb nobody differently than a famous, rich, Victoria's Secret Supermodel? Who'd a thunked it!?

2. Supersize Me

Ok, so you've all heard the story. This guy made a documentary that revealed something so shocking that some of the nation's largest businesses were afraid. of the repercussions. What was this shocking revelation?

Eating nothing but McDonald's for a month will make you fat and unhealthy.

I think I'm going to make a documentary about how flushing the toilet makes the poop DISAPPEAR! No longer do you have to live with piles of defecation in your bathroom! This SHOCKING documentary will reveal a secret technique that neatly eliminates waste from your toilet!

The guy who made this movie should join with Tyra so they can both be shocked at how they get treated as sweaty, grease-slurping fatties.

Anyone who could not single-handedly make a decently accurate guess as to the probable consequences of a month-long McDonald's only diet - Please kill yourself. Chances are you won't live long anyways.

3. Some Mom

Thanksgiving last year some kid ate a toy with magnets and regrettablybly died. Even though he did eat the magnets, the kid was probably smarter than the mom, who afterwards said, about the toy:

"It does say there is a choking hazard on here," Penny Sweet said. "Unfortunately, they don't say it causes serious injury or death, which is the kind warning they need to have on here."

Yeah, lady it said "Choking" hazard, not "Coughing" or "Itchy throat" hazard. While I think she was referring to the toy's gut-twisting magnetic capabilities, which is what killed the kid, it's still a retarded thing to say.

That's all for now.

Obviously.

-Eric

Would you like some french cries with that?

2006-04-25T23:58:00.000-04:00

Lately everyone has been complaining about gas prices. YOU MAKE ME SICK. Shut up. If a $.25 per gallon increase in gas prices ruins your day, then your problem is not gas prices. Your problem is that you are poor. And stupid. (Only stupid people are poor). Smart people have businesses, like Bulletproof Shirts, and people with businesses aren't poor. Unless stupid people don't buy their stuff. Get to it, peasants.

Just to show you how stupid you are for being poor and complaining about gas prices, I am going to list a few things that are way more over-priced than dead-dino juice.

**WARNING: The following items are grossly overpriced at your local marts, and strip you of your hard-earned dollars. Not recommended for people who are poor and stupid**

1. Water

That's right, good ol' H2O. If you have ever bought a bottle of water, you can't complain about gas prices. Unless you were in the middle of the desert and needed it to live (but you have to be pissed about being ripped off). In the words of Jim Gaffigan,
"Do you guys have water? I know it's free from every tap; I'd like to buy some. Do you have any air? Maybe some garbage?"
Don't laugh. That's not a joke. That's you being exposed. If you buy water, which is usually way more per gallon than gas (unless you get like Albertson's brand in the big, thin, crappy jug) then you can't complain about gas being an extra quarter.

2. Gas.

Gas is so overpric-

wait.....

Damn.

-Eric

The historically worst inventions in the history of history: Continued

2006-03-27T17:05:00.000-05:00

Since I have plenty of hateful insight, here are some more inventions that would have been better used by just infecting them with smallpox and giving them to the indians:

1.) The Necktie

Next time you see somebody wearing a tie, just stop for a moment and think about what it really is. Ok you say, it's a colorful strip of cloth that hangs from your neck, and.... - And nothing. That's it! I can see more purpose in wearing a cape to work every day. If you insist on dangling a strip of cloth from your neck, you might as well make it red and dress like a giant turkey. Gobble Gobble, you stupid jerk.

2.) Pizza Cutter

I didn't know this, but the guy that invented the pizza cutter also wrote a book. It was titled: "How to invent something that looks like it would work really well."
The inventor of the wheel is also partially responsible for this abomination. The challenge was simple: Make a device that cuts a pizza in one swift movement. Well, I actually found another invention that cuts pizza as well as the average pizza cutter:

Teeth and karate chops were made for a reason. Stick with those.

3.) Krishna Food

There is a motley Hare Krishna caravan that makes it's way onto campus every day to peddle some sort of putrid muck for people to eat. For now I'll ignore that fact that it never contains any animal products, and will instead focus on its crippling, diarrhea-inducing odor. The food I eat doesn't even smell as bad after I crap it back out and blend it with a rotting squid carcass. I don't understand how human beings can even approach this stuff without a yellow plastic suit and a flamethrower, much less stuff gobs of it into their fat mouths. Terrible invention.

4.) Brakes

The guys who invented airbags, ram-bars, ejection seats, and fire-retardant suits must now feel like they were just wasting their time. Brakes are like Erasers: You only need them if you screw up. So nancy, there's no need for brakes; Just dip, dodge, duck, dive, and dodge. You'll save gas that way too.

Now go out there and invent something worth using. I'm waiting.

-Eric

The historically worst inventions in the history of history

2006-03-20T16:11:00.000-05:00

Making new things is usually cool, especially when they make my life easier. Sometimes though, people make things that just screw everything up. Following are history's worst inventions since sliced bread (I prefer to bite into whole, pristine loaves). Surprisingly, not all of them were invented by women. These are in no specific order of suckiness, I just hate them all:

I. The Wheel

If you think the stagnation of sled, jetpack, catapult, and teleportation technology is a good thing, then by all means, laud the invention of the wheel. The bottom line is, anybody could have come up with this stupid invention. They should have waited until after other, really cool methods of transportation were invented. Like riding dinosaurs. Also, no other single invention until the TV remote has contributed more to laziness. Walk it off!

II. Cell phone cameras

As if there weren't enough pictures of fat, ugly women on the internet. I can't think of a more worthless gimmick to make already crappy cell-phones even more expensive. Oh, I can have a picture of you show up on my phone when you call!? Well guess what turd! I don't want to look at you. That's why I'm talking to you on the phone and not in person. Maybe before putting cameras in cell phones, they should make them do something cooler, like ACTUALLY WORK.

III. Flip Flops

If flip flops were a person, they would be Paris Hilton. Why? They're flat, ugly, stupid, overrated, and I have no idea how they got so popular. There are only several reasons why a person might wear sandals. Allow me to explain:

a. You want people to look at your hideous feet.
b. You are too poor to afford a whole pair of actual shoes
c. You're an asshole
d. You are Jesus (Guess what: you're not)
e. You do whatever everybody else is doing, regardless of how ridiculous it is.

Now go into Payless and tell them you are sick of looking like an asshole. Kill a forest animal and wear the skins on your feet. Go barefoot. I don't care, Just please get rid of the flip flops.

IV. Red Bull

It doesn't give you wings. It tastes like paint thinner. It costs 2 dollars a can. 'Nuff said. No crappy invention has been so monstrously overpriced since Tickle-me-Elmos. Mountain Dew is infinitely better. Here's an SAT analogy question for you:

1. Mountain Dew : Red Bull

a. Don Frye : Thomas Ramirez
b. USA : Nigeria
c. Ferrari Maranello : Geo Metro
d. BK commercials : Old Navy commercials
c. K2 : Pile of leaves by my door
d. All of the above

If you don't know the answer, go kill yourself.

- more to come. If I feel like it.

-Eric

It's gonna be a bright, bright, sunshiny day

2006-01-22T12:52:00.000-05:00

Scientists in China are building the world's first "artificial sun" fusion energy device. The device will reportedly be able to withstand like a bajillion degrees. The cost of making this fake sun is 300 million yuan, or 37 million US dollars. This seems like a ripoff. I made a fake sun too, once. See:

The bidding will start at 37 million dollars.

-Eric

Holy Herbivores Batman!

2006-01-21T21:25:00.000-05:00

As reported by Fox News on 07/27/2005 (Important news travels fast): In a startling upset, Carrie Underwood of "American Idol" fame and Coldplay frontman Chris "fag-man" Martin were voted as last year's 'Worlds Sexiest Vegetarians' by PETA. Since the contest's inception, the PETA tree-humpers have been searching for sexy vegetarians. When a few humans gleefully admitted to vegetarianism, PETA was quick to upstage their previous "World's Sexiest Vegetarians":

UPDATE: The Baboon was later disqualified when it ate its own young.

-Eric

'Twas the Night Before Christmas...

2005-12-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the compound
Not a creature was stirring, but the troops were all around.
Other trespassers were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that sneaky St Nick would soon see them there.

My Mercs were nestled snug in their hiding places,
With night-vision goggles worn over their faces.
And Sarge on the 60, and I had his back,
We had just settled in for our winter ambush attack.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang up in the bunker to see what was the matter.
The spotlights switched on with a great blinding flash,
While grenades and gunfire turned the woods to ash.

The volley of tracers flying over the snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.
When, what through the hail of flak should appear,
But Santa on his sleigh, with a look of abject fear.

That little old driver, with a hoarse scream on his lips,
knew he wouldn't survive this yuletime apocalypse.
His reindeer were nimble, but we led them and aimed,
And with our bunkers and snipers, they all soon got maimed.

First Dasher! Then, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!
Then, Comet! And Cupid! And Donner and Blitzen!
With his team cut down the sleigh started to fall,
But still somehow breached the compound's outer wall.

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the sleigh the SAM missiles flew,
With the deer and St Nicholas facing imminent doom.

And then, in a twinkling, with sparks, fire, and a poof
Debris rained down, sleigh parts, guts and a hoof.
As Alpha got on line and Bravo flanked around,
Suddenly out of the wreckage came St Nick with a bound.

He was covered in deer guts from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
With a ripped bag of toys aflame on his back,
He was as doomed as insurgents against us in Iraq.

His eyes big as saucers! He stumbled, mumbled, and slurred!
Bravo began their assault without saying a word.
His droll little mouth was agape with fear,
And the beard of his chin was blackened and seared.

He held in his teeth the stump of a pipe, with a bend.
As the mercs opened fire, I yelled "This is the end!"
The "Ho-ho" stopped when they double tapped his head,
And his fat belly jiggled when they filled him with lead!

He was chubby and plump, and face down on the ground,
And I laughed when I saw him, Bravo neared with a bound.
But then a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
I heard the spoon of a grenade, and knew Bravo was dead.

His body exploded- the grenade did not work!
It was blocked by his lard! The stupid fat jerk!
His finger was laying aside of his nose,
Surrounded by guts, bones, fingers, and toes.

I sprang to my feet, and Bravo gave out a cheer,
"The enemy is dead! We have nothing to fear!"
I said, "You can't trespass here without getting a fight!"
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest*

2005-12-13T15:25:00.000-05:00

What is the worst thing to happen to birds since the invention of eating them? If you guessed 'their inherent stupidity', you are wrong. If you guessed 'Bird Flu' you are right.

This fowl* disease (I went there) has been flying* around for over 100 years, but the human infecting version was hatched* in Hong Kong in 1997. During this outbreak 6 people died, but they were all Chinese. Scientists noted that it spread primarily from chicken to human, but rarely from human to human. It spreads mostly from chicken to chicken, due mostly to chickens' notorious promiscuity and wanton disregard for contraceptives.

The Human-infecting strain has been roosting* in almost exclusively Asian areas, and has been the worst hit to Asian-white people relations since Jackie Chan started doing wire stunts in his movies.

Despite Asia seemingly being the origin of the human-strain, the disease has recently flown the coop* and has been lightly pecking* at the populations of some European countries as well.

Because of the recent outbreaks, millions of birds have been killed in the name of saving lives. However, the the Bird Flu hasn't gone north for the winter* yet, and the flock* of victims keeps getting larger. Some people are preparing Y2K like provisions to pluck* their families from the beak* of certain infection. To others, the news is just more incessant "end of the world" squawking*. But before any more people get diseased bird-meat stuck in their craw*, all I gotta say is "Where's the beef?" or maybe "Polly wants a beef cracker." I couldn't decide which was funnier, sorry.

* It's a bird joke. Get it?

-Eric

If rubbing jellyfish all over my body is wrong, I don't wanna be right

2005-12-07T18:24:00.000-05:00

News has surfaced recently about a giant jellyfish invasion off of the coast of Japan. No, I'm not making this up. I read the story from the Times Online, but you can find it other places too. Isn't the internet wonderful? The Times reports:

THEY are called echizen kurage and they sound like monsters from the trashier reaches of Japanese science fiction.
They are 6ft wide and weigh 450lb (200kg), with countless poisonous tentacles, they have drifted across the void to terrorise the people of Japan. Vast armadas of the slimy horrors have cut off the country's food supply. As soon as one is killed more appear to take its place.

Finally, the quarrelsome governments of the region are banding together to unite against the enemy.

Echizen kurage is not an extraterrestrial invader, but a giant jellyfish that is devastating the livelihoods of fishermen in the Sea of Japan. Nomura's jellyfish, as it is known in English, is the biggest creature of its kind off Japan and for reasons that remain mysterious its numbers have surged in the past few months.

Is this not the coolest thing to hit the news since that fake story of the lion-fighting midgets? And this is all real, baby. It gets better:

The problem first became obvious in the late summer when fishermen chasing anchovies, salmon and yellowtail began finding huge numbers of the jellyfish in their nets.
Often the weight of the echizen kurage broke the nets or crushed the fish to death; those that survived were poisoned and beslimed by their tentacles.

Yes, you read that right. Beslimed. Until I read this article I was unaware of the awesome uses of the 'be' prefix. In my innocence I knew only of 'bespeckled'. Now I wonder, what other words can be graced with the 'be'? Any verb? This opens doors, man. Leave it to the British to come up with really cool, incredibly useless words. More on jellyfish:

In Akita prefecture some communities saw their incomes fall by 80 per cent. The gizzard shad fishers of South Korea have also been plagued by the Nomura’s.

To me it sounds like the 'gizzard shad fishers' have been plagued with a terrible job.

"I say Bruce, have you seen my portfolio lately? Gold is through the roof! How 'bout that!"

"Actually, I'm in Gizzard Shad, mostly."

"Oh. ...How's that going?"

"...Not so good."

"....."

"You see, there's these jellyfish.."

"....."

"They're really big."

In some places jellyfish density is reported to be a hundred times higher than normal. Worst of all, no one yet understands why. One theory is that global warming is heating up the seawater and encouraging jellyfish breeding.

Another theory is that giant jellyfish have a proclivity for eating scientists who blame everything on global warming. You've been warned.

Some observers "blame heavy rains in China over the summer". Which is, incidentally, what I blamed my last late essay assignment on.

In the meantime locals are making the best of it — rather than just complaining about jellyfish they are eating them.

This reminds me of when I decided to stop just complaining about babies.

Jellyfish are an unusual ingredient of Japanese cuisine but are much more prized in China. Coastal communities are doing their best to promote jellyfish as a novelty food, sold dried and salted.

Students in Obama have managed to turn them into tofu, and jellyfish collagen is reported to be beneficial to the skin.

"So, I rub the jellyfish...on my body.."

"uh...yah"

"....and thats good?"

"mm hmm, right. For the skin."

"...You aren't just saying this because you have thousands of dead, gigantic jellyfish?"

"........"

"Becaus-"

"DO IT."

These interesting, useless facts, previously known by less than 5 individuals worldwide, were also among the wealth of knowledge imparted unto me by The Times Online:

- The most poisonous jellyfish is the Australian sea wasp, or box jellyfish, with enough venom to kill 60 people. Wearing tights is an effective defence.

This is also an effective defense against meeting members of the opposite sex.

- A collection of jellyfish is known as a smack.

I suppose, and maybe I'm wrong here, that it would then stand to reason that a collection of female jellyfish is known as a 'bitch smack'.

..And I'm through.

-Eric

Live stronger

2005-11-30T23:18:00.000-05:00

Unless you are an Iraqi insurgent who has been living in a cave for the past few years, you have probably seen a bunch of people wearing these:

You are not lance Armstrong. Tenuously linking yourself to him by wearing his gay little bracelet does not make you cool, or in better shape. So before you decide to proudly show the world that you selflessly donated an entire American dollar to cancer research, stop trying to make a fashion statement, and get rid of the rubber band. If you are really interested in donating money to cancer research, here ya go. At least they will get the whole dollar.

-Eric

Y2 GAY

2005-11-28T17:38:00.000-05:00

What ever happened to Y2k, anyways?

You know, end of the millenium? Computers thinking 1900 instead of 2000? Any bells? It was supposed to be a time of glorious disaster and social meltdown. A time of MRE's and Bottled water. A time of finally getting to use all the MRE's and bottled water. All the months of waiting and hoping, and I didn't even get to shoot one crazed, unprepared looter in the face. I didn't even get brownouts or spotty electricity for a few days. There were supposed to be roving bands of leather-clad bandits killing people for liquor within the week. And then I could kill them in a souped-up car.

But, no. Nothing. It was supposed to be my big chance to show I wasn't crazy for hoarding weapons, food and other cool stuff, and then to re-prove that I am crazy by slaughtering hapless, unprepared looters. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want total infrastructural meltdown, just 2 or 3 weeks of disrupted food/water/electricity/traffic laws. You know, to really separate the men from the boys. I don't think that's too much to ask.

For the time being I'll just have to settle for knowing that I'm better than everybody else. Ahh,the warmth of self-recognition. True comfort.

-Eric

Friends AND Food? Hmmm....

2005-11-27T17:21:00.000-05:00

Recently PETA launched a new campaign aimed at convincing kids that if their dad fishes, he's murdering fish.
The handout, titled "Your Daddy Kills Animals," features a grinning lunatic gutting a fish, and warns kids to keep their puppies and kittens away from Dad because he's "hooked on killing."

At least the fishermen eat them after they kill them.

Hmm puppies and kittens instead of fish....Well, they would be much easier to catch...why didn't we think of this before?! Thanks PETA!

-Eric

Watch and Learn

2005-11-20T19:20:00.000-05:00

If you watch enough tv, you will eventually see one of those lame commercials trying to get kids not to use drugs. The problem is, they do it in the most gay and ineffective way possible: By trying to convince them that not using drugs is cool. Now, obviously any kid stupid enough to obey the promptings of a cheesy 30 second tv commercial is easily swayed, to say the least. It is thus natural to assume that anyone who can be convinced that easily that anything is cool/uncool will soon permanently embarrass themselves and their family by dying doing something ridiculous. I watch videos of these types of kids dying all the time. It's one of life's simple pleasures.

The best way to learn to avoid drugs is for other people to get their shit ruined. And then watch it. Repeatedly. In slow motion. And even if that doesn't convince anybody, it's still fun.

Skateboard: 100 $

Double-digit IQ: 9 months worth of beer for mom - 500 $

Finding tall staircase, wall, or crevasse: 2 hours that could be spent working at Mcd's - Opportunity cost of 12 $

Just enough drugs to make stupid people even more stupid: 50 $

Fatality: Priceless

- Eric

Conundrum

2005-11-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

If a man falls in the forest and breaks his leg, but no one is around to hear it, does he make a sound?

I submit that he does.

-Eric

Help the poor

2005-11-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

Everybody is always talking about how we should help the poor, so here's your chance:

Do it or you'll go to hell.

-Eric

Advertising for Dummies

2005-11-05T17:02:00.000-05:00

While I was rummaging through the fridge for a tasty beverage (AKA Mountain Dew), I happened to glance at the packaging of the huge 36 pack of Dew (Recognize). The outside of the box proudly announced "36: 50% more than a 24 pack". It seems to me that someone who couldn't instantly do that calculation in their head is unlikely to know what a percentage even is, and that's if they can read the box. I imagine the epiphany going something like this:

Extreme Dew Drinker #1: Wow! a 36 pack! That's like 48.7% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: Booyah! lets get one - Wait a sec, it says its 50% more than a 24 pack!
Extreme Dew Drinker #1: But- but how!? (reeling and lightheaded) But that would mean- (pulls out calculator)....Most righteous! It IS 50% more!!
Extreme Dew Drinker #2: In that case, I'll take two!

-Eric

The Nutty Professors

2005-10-31T15:59:00.000-05:00

College professors are among the most ridiculously retarded people on the planet. Despite having spent years of their life and thousands of their dollars supposedly "learning" all sorts of information (taught to them by their own stupid professors) They have no grasp of how the world really works. With an aloof detatchment resembling Marie Antoinette's "Let them eat cake", they view themselves as being on a puffy cloud of intellectual enlightenment, from which they can see everything objectively. However, as anyone who has spent more than a few minutes in a college classroom knows , they are rarely enlightened, and never objective. Oh yeah, and they are fat, old and ugly too. Zing!

Today one of my professors offered up the ridiculous analogy (while attempting to convince us of some equally ridiculous "facts") that all cars are the same. He said that if you want you can pay more, but you are really getting the same thing. Aside from being a terrible analogy (I may be biased, as I happen to create extremely poignant, hard-hitting and relevant analogies), it is just really, really wrong. I had the urge to tell him that if cars are all so similar, I would gladly trade cars with him. Hell, I would pay him a few hundred dollars to trade. And I don't even know what he drives. Probably a bicycle. Dirty Hippie. I declined to comment though, as I have been doing recently, and I just stared and gave him my best John Ritter impersonation.

As gratifying as it is to spit some nuggets of truth at these fools and watch them unravel, I have come to grips with the fact that speaking the righteous truth in class is the same as vomiting everywhere - It feels great to get it out, but then you've just got a big mess to clean up.

(Told you I was the analogy master.)

-Eric

Walk it off

2005-10-27T22:04:00.000-04:00

So you want to exercise? Do something to get the ol' heart rate up? Well you can swim, bike, run, kickbox, stair-climb, jumprope, or.....

Walk?

Thats right folks. Some people are so fat and out of shape that even the slowest possible method of moving yourself feels like a workout. You would think that these fat bastards walk to the fridge so much that if walking actually helped they would have it covered. When you point out how miserably lame walking is, they whine "yeah but I like walking, its easier." !? Of course its easier! It's just walking! There's almost nothing easier! The point of exercise is to do something slightly difficult so you get better. Do these people carry around oxygen tanks for when they have to do things slightly more strenuous, like fold laundry or open a book? What are these weaklings going to do if they ever have to run away from anything? The way they move the only thing they could escape from would be a distracted sloth. When I see somebody walking for exercise, I burn more calories laughing at them than they burn walking. ( And I sure as hell save a lot more time)

Laughing - 40 calories
Walking - 26 calories

This makes walking for exercise, offically WEAK SAUCE.

-Eric

I'll show you good for the enviroment

2005-10-16T19:36:00.000-04:00

Have you ever had to utilize one of these because some nancy loves trees?:

Well every time I am forced to use one of these bastard sons of science and enviroment friendly philosophy, my hands are still dripping when I kill an innocent tree. That's right, every time I have to use one of these a tree dies. End the carnage. Supply paper towels.

-Eric

Gayer Than Gandalf

2005-10-10T19:14:00.000-04:00

Are you a twenty-something college student whose repressed homosexuality has left you feeling depressed? Tired of everybody not knowing the real you? Well, there's a sure-fire way to come out of that closet. Move from the back-alley gay prositutes and AIDS scares to popular mainstream homosexuality in one easy step: Admit how much you like Harry Potter.

Seriously people. Little boys? Wizards? Dwarfs? Sounds like a recipe for an upsetting porno. Has everybody gotten that bad? I mean, I can't expect everybody to be as awesome as me but really, this is just shameful. College students shouldn't be into the same movies as their 9 year old siblings. The problem is that they read at the same level. And along comes a book for the 4th grade reading level that is (somehow) socially acceptable reading for 21 year old people, and isn't just pictures of triangles and squares. For those of you who feel that loving Harry Potter isn't doing enough to prove just how much of a gaymo you are, grab your sippy cups and your footy pajamas because gay and lesbian pride week is just around the corner.

-Eric

VOTE OR DIE!!

2005-10-05T15:53:00.000-04:00

Vote for my friend Jimmie's band. Its like a battle of the bands kind of thing, but the prize isn't as cool. They just want the publicity. They are down to the last 3 finalists.

VOTE OR DIE, BITCHES!!!

http://www.hanson.net/OpeningBandVote/datedisplay.aspx?d=lakebuenavista

I command you to vote even if you have never heard of them or, hate them, or love them. DO IT NOW. If you want to know more about them, check "The rockingest band ever" under links to the right.

-Eric

Mad Props

2005-09-24T21:36:00.000-04:00

Mad props to my brother for concocting the awesome banner in like 15 minutes. Now thats talent.

-Eric

Fill 'er up

2005-09-24T21:08:00.000-04:00

Recent hurricane turmoil has brought a lot of attention to the national gas situation. Suprisingly the US is actually the 3rd most oil producing nation, behind only Saudia Arabia and Russia. We are at the top of the consumer list though, as expected. The top 5 Biggest gas users are:

United States
China
Eric's van
Japan
Germany

When you get to the point where you easily calculate how much it costs you to drive a mile, it might be time to dust off the bicycle. (By the way, its approximately 0.34). Maybe I should just start taking a cab... .

-Eric

A Penny Saved....

2005-09-19T15:32:00.000-04:00

Financial Situation Diary

Day 1:

My financial situation has somewhat stabilized and I have been getting more hours at work, and things like that. I am not having problems paying my bills, the fridge is stocked, got a full tank of gas. Thus I have decided to pay my own rent this semester, so I don't have to ask my grandpa for money any more.

Day 2:

-Eric

Free Your Mind

2005-09-08T18:41:00.000-04:00

I saw a bumper sticker today that said,

"Minds are like parachutes: They only work when they are open"

My first thought was, 'I've got something that will open your mind: My shutgun!'
I then surmised that the reason their mind is like a parachute is becaused its filled with air.

My mind, on the other hand, is like a steel trap. Not only because it traps useful information and holds onto it, but because when people try to put anything stupid in it chops off their hand.

-Eric

Poker is for pervs.

2005-06-27T02:28:00.000-04:00

During one of the times that I sit around and marvel at how good I am at poker, I discovered something previously unknown to me. Poker is full of some rather lurid terminology (at least when viewed with the same sophomoric crassness that I view everything else). If you laugh every time somebody is named Dick, then you know what I mean.

Here is some poker terminology that raised my eyebrow:

All In: Putting all your chips in the pot. Or putting your...well,,...you get the idea.

Short Stack: The term for the player with the smallest stack of chips; or in the theme of this juvenile post, the smallest penis.

Splashing the Pot: Refer to poop article.

Bluff: Rhymes with buff, as in naked? eh? Yeah, that's weak. Sorry.

Limp In: When players just call the blind instead of raising; Or when grandpa forgets his
viagra.

Suckout: Well, maybe legalized prostitution in Vegas influenced poker terminology.

Bad Beat:
-What they mean when they say it: My flush got beat by a straight flush.
-What I think when I hear it: A spankin' session somehow gone awry.

Pocket Rockets: Well, it means wired aces, but I can't help but think it means a trouser snake, ie, Jimmy the one-eyed wonder weasel.

In the Hole: There's just no way this can sound innocuous. Even worse, it can sometimes be paired with the above for the extremely sordid statement, "He had pocket rockets in the hole".

The Nuts: If you don't get this one, go look it up on the internet.

Big Slick: Well, its better than "Princess Sofia".

Belly Buster: Eating too much Taco Bell.

Flop: The community cards. Or what happens when you find out the girl you are making out with is actually a man.

Big Pair: Ok, it may be hard to explain this one, but it goes something like this: "Hey dude, check out the big pair on her!" (works also with 'top pair').

Position: Poker is a game of people and position. Sort of like a passionate session of love-making.

That's all for now. All this talk has made me want to go rock some poker. And I DO rock it.

-Eric

By Popular Demand

2005-06-25T14:15:00.000-04:00

Due to the large number of concerned citizens who are unable to come up with their own euphemisms for taking a dump, I have evolved my Official Poop Nomenclature Chart into an Official Poop Nomenclature Generator.

In All Its Glory

See, I am very responsive to my consituents. Vote Eric.

-Eric

Indians just aren't cool anymore

2005-06-20T12:30:00.000-04:00

Lets face it, Indians just aren't that cool anymore. In the past there may have been something exciting about running around half naked killing bison and scalping people, but they don't even do that anymore. If kids today play 'cowboys and indians', they are more likely to be playing blackjack than shooting a bow and arrows.

-Eric

Don't Phunk With My Grammar

2005-06-20T00:11:00.000-04:00

Burgeoning communication and internet technology in recent years has given rise to a new breed of people: The internet idiot. Next time you are having a "convo" with some illiterate husk online, consult my dictionary of internet slang to translate the half-formed bushman gibberish they spout at you. Years of extensive research and field testing have led me to believe that this is nearly 100% correct.

1. Ur - Urethra. May also refer to a urinary tract infection, or blood in the urine.

2. LOL - A modification of the word 'roll', refers to the pendulous folds of blubber cascading from the flabby stomachs of many internet users.

3. wtf - derived from antiquated internet slang of the 1800's, translates roughly to "I'm a pillow biter".

4. ttyl - Abbreviation for the ancient Mexican city Technocticlan. Can also be used to refer to Mexican vacations and donkey shows.

5. thx - George Lucas' first film, thx 1138.

6. cya - Short for cyan, or cyanosis, associated with asphyxiation. It is usually typed when the individual is choking on a Zinger or similar snack foods.

7. brb - Short for 'brumby', the wild roaming horses of Australia. They will trample you.

8. convo - Short for convulsions, used when the typer is having a seizure. Shortened to convo due to the obvious difficulty of typing while seizing.

9. gg - "got gas". can be posed as a statement or question. An evolution of "got milk", but instead of a milk mustache it is evidenced by massive amounts of flatulence, and/or painful cramps. Can also be gtg (got the gas)

10. rofl - referring to 'romping on the floor', it is widely used in homosexual circles and has certain sexual connotations (Mostly in reference to ass-raping).

-Eric

Get off me

2005-06-20T00:06:00.000-04:00

Yes, I made the "Official Poop Nomenclature Chart" myself, I didn't just find it on the internet. Like I can't come up with my own poop-chart. Pssh. I scoff.

-Eric

For the People

2005-06-18T13:43:00.000-04:00

Hi, I'm John Morgan of the law offices of Morgan, Colling and Gilbert. If your old people are in a nursing home, they will get raped. Either that, or the nurses will forget to change their bed pans and they will get festering bed sores. Nursing home abuse isn't just something that happens, its something that we hope happens. I mean lets face it, you probably won't get any money out of your gross dying grandmother unless somebody abuses them and you sue. And we don't get any money unless you sue. If you don't put your old people in an abusive nursing home, you're wrong.

Morgan, Colling and gilbert: For US - I mean, the people.

Welcome to the Jungle

2005-06-15T01:03:00.000-04:00

If it gets any hotter here, my crotch will burst into flames and cauterize my genitals into one indiscernible lump. Its only in the low 80's, and already I'm sweating like a gerbil in a key west pet shop. I have figured out why they call Gainesville 'The Swamp'. It's not because it's the home of the Gators. It's because it's as hot as Satan's anus, smells twice as bad, and is swarming with flies. People always have a reason to explain the smell of dead grandma, too. Like, "Oh that's just the water treatment plant." As if knowing what it is will quench the fire in my nostrils. Next time people say my apartment smells, I'm just going to say, "Oh that's just the big pile of shit I left behind the couch."
I don't understand people lying around outside in the grass, having a jolly old time, when I have to make several pitstops just to make it to class (I don't want the toast in my pocket to burn) and then use a spatula to get my backpack off. When you realize that little spot on your shirt is the area not covered in sweat, something is wrong.
But as the saying goes, "If you don't like the weather in Florida, wait five minutes and it will change." ....From 85 Degrees to 90.

-Eric

Some Things Just Need To Be Said. (This isn't one of them)

2005-06-13T19:58:00.000-04:00

I think its been a while since I touched on this topic, so I think I should talk about it. Its a subject that I have found I know a lot about, and I feel I should share it with the hapless masses. The subject?

Poop.

It's a part of our everyday lives. Unless you don't eat enough fruit like me, then it's a part of our every-other-day lives. I know of nothing else that can at the same time fill me with such conflicting emotions: Pain and relief, hope and foreboding. In a way, taking a dump is like soliciting a prostitute: Nobody talks about it, but everybody does it. Or maybe I'm thinking of something else....It is however, much like school. How you ask? How indeed....

Taking a dump is like going to school, because:

* Everyone has to do it, but some people take longer and struggle more.
* When you are done, its a huge relief.
* It really sucks if you have to get up early to get it done.
* If you talk about it too much people will get annoyed.
* If you keep looking at the clock, it will just make it seem longer.
* Some people brag about it.
* Skipping just means you'll have to do more work later.
* The seats are uncomfortable.
* At times, it just doesn't seem worth it.
* If you miss too many sessions you'll start to get really worried.
* Your parents are proud when you do it. (This only applies to those of you not over 2 years old....Hopefully.)
* When you are really struggling, it can feel hopeless.
* You have to devote time and money.
* You need lots of books.

Some people have mastered the art of the 5 minute deuce. Something I hope to one day achieve. Right now I need the full half hour and plenty of reading materials. Its already like trying to drive a UPS truck through a doorway; there's no reason to do it at 90 miles an hour.
There is a passage in the Bible about it: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for Eric to pass a bowel movement."

I leave you with a chart to help you with the next time you have to think of a euphemism for number 2:

Official Poop Nomenclature Chart
-Pick a term from each category and prepare to offend-

(Click To Enlarge)

-Eric

Dance Commander

2005-06-13T16:02:00.000-04:00

I am probably the worst dancer ever.

Nobody is a worse dancer than me. Nobody. If you told me to dance right now, I wouldn't even know where to start. I once saw a crippled drooling guy in a wheelchair, and I thought maybe he would be worse than me, but he started having a seizure and proved me wrong. If I tried to dance, it would look like somebody who was rolling down a steep, lumpy hill while simultaneously being attacked by a swarm of bees and electrocuted. I'll leave the dancing to the professionals. And by 'professionals', I mean black people.

-Eric

NOBODY CARES

2005-06-10T15:29:00.000-04:00

After I finished my last post, something possessed me to browse through other peoples' pages on this site. It was the worst idea ever. To give you a hint as to how horrific an experience it was, 95% of the pages started with "OMG, today was sooooo boring! Nothing happened!". And then...they proceed to tell you everything that didn't happen, in agonizing detail. If the day was that boring even to such beast-headed individuals as they, what in all of God's green goodness would lead them to believe that anyone else would give a flying canker-sore? And I can never have those minutes of my life back. Ridiculous.

I need a shower.

-Eric

My email's penis is bigger than yours

2005-06-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

If I answered every junk email I received, my penis would be 4 feet long. Cialis, viagra, longitude, extenz, enzyte, whatever. You could read 100 gay magazines and not have to see the word penis as many times as I do every time I check my email. The spam powers that be must have it in their heads that I have the world's smallest johnson. I've gained half an inch just from reading all those emails.

-Eric

Just who do they think they are?!

2005-06-08T17:55:00.000-04:00

I didn't think I could hate Disney any more than I already did. But now they have committed the most egregious misuse of modern technology that I have ever had the misfortune to know about. Technology is meant for good. For GOOD!!

Where is the good here?

-Eric

Fast Food Giants

2005-06-08T16:22:00.000-04:00

Recently I saw a Burger King sign boasting "our new enormous omelet". As any neerdowell such as I would Immediately notice, a few simple changes could result in the following offensive marketing scheme:

Is it just me, or does the "Buses Welcome" sign make it even funnier?

-Eric

Don't call me a sissy or I'll hit you with my purse!

2005-06-08T13:33:00.000-04:00

I recently saw an ad for a website selling "Badass hoodies". For those of you with the unfortunate destiny to be surrounded by actual adults, a "hoodie" is what pod-pulling sissies call a hooded sweatshirt. First of all, anyone who would call it a hoodie has seriously called their status as a badass into question. After they grab their badass hoodies they can go put on their badass pantsies and shoesies and then be on their way. That is if they can stop sucking their thumbs long enough to grab their badass blankies.

you people make me sick.

-Eric

And I thought letting the mexicans in was bad....

2005-06-08T11:35:00.000-04:00

I was going to make my first post something funny, awesome and innovative, but I just have to comment on this article that my dad sent me. Apparently a man appeared at the US/Canadian border crossing at Maine, carrying
"... a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood."
The border officials, not suprisingly, confiscated all the weapons - Then let him into the US. Great work guys. And people get mad at the minutemen.
Now, I'm all for traipsing about with brass knuckles and bloody chainsaws, but take a look at this guys picture. I wouldn't let him into the country if he was carrying a teddy bear and a bouquet of roses, much less bloody power tools. Oh well, that's what happens when I'm not in charge. Incidentally, this guy actually raised my opinion of Canadians. Homemade swords? Come on...That's just cool. He missed his calling as an extra in a Mad Max movie.

Eric

UPDATE: It turns out the guy is actually a naturalized US citizen, so they couldn't stop him from coming into the US.